Little Boys

I spent the past weekend in the company of a whole bunch of 9 and 10 year old boys. They stink. I mean, they really stink. They are disgusting little creatures that shouldn't be let out of their houses. It didn't help that it rained and there was mud everywhere, but no excuse. They stink!

Exactly how many pairs of socks do you think I found on the floor or the front porch of the cabin when we were cleaning up to leave? It was somewhere north of 10 pairs. I didn't really bother counting, I just scooped 'em all up with the dustpan and threw them in the trashcan.

When you move your bunk as far away from the one next to you as possible, just so you can't smell the funk, you know it's bad! When other 9 year olds are telling kids that they stink, you know it's bad! When it's 38 degrees and raining outside and I make them leave the doors open just so I don't vomit, it's bad!

There was so much stinky feet crud in that cabin, even the teenagers moved out!(I thought about it, but quickly realized it might be grounds for imprisonement if I left them) They can't raise a toilet seat if their lives depended on it. They can't hit the toilet if their lives depended on it! I had to beg, bargain, threaten and insult just to get them to brush their teeth! (amazing how many parents tell their kids they don't have to brush their teeth!(at least according to this group!))

But by FAR, the most interesting thought all weekend was posed to my by a loving 9 year old, runny nosed, sweaty, smelly little kid. He asked, in an oh-so-innocent voice, "you know how people sometimes pee in their sleep? How come nobody ever poops in their sleep?" It's hard to know the right answer all the time, but somewhere, deep down inside of all of us, is this little dictionary that suddenly pops open at just the right time to reveal to us the answers! ("hey look, it's time for rec.")

And a personal thank you goes out to my friend who brought the gorilla suit. (not a guerilla suit, which might have proven more useful) Just about the time you finally get all the little boogers settled down & (almost) quiet, some wacko in a gorilla suit comes running & grunting through the cabin. In the ensuing chaos, I found out that 9 and 10 year old boys know a LOT more bad words than I previously imagined. I also learned that, even though they can't let their bravado down for even a second, 9 and 10 year old boys are extremely frightened by a teenager in a gorilla suit. I also learned it takes about an hour and a 1/2 for 9 and 10 year old boys to calm down after a "skunk monkey" sighting! (I also learned that old guys in above mentioned cabins lose their sense of humor rather quickly when it comes to midnight, screaming kids and skunk monkeys)

I also learned that the funniest thing anybody can ever say is "your mom". How can 14 little boys find those 2 words that funny? They use them after everything! (me: go brush your teeth. them: your mom said to brush my teeth. them: giggle, giggle, snort, giggle, fart, massive giggles) And do you know how many fart jokes their are? Me neither, but it's a bunch! And they're all disgusting. And they all make little boys laugh.

But the most important thing I learned was how much I like being a part of these little heathens lives! Now excuse me while I go take a nap!

I Believe the Term is Merry Christmas!!!

Well, it's Christmas time again.  Christmas time.  Not Holiday time.  The fact that there are other holidays that just so happen to fall during this time of year is none of my concern.  It's Christmas time.  I'm a Christian.  I celebrate Christmas. 

If I were Jewish, I would celebrate Chanukah.  I'm not, but I've known some.  Most of them, at one point or another, I have said "Merry Christmas" to.  Guess what?  NONE of them have been offended!  I've even asked a couple of times if I've offended them. (not really cared, but asked none the less)  If I happen to be in a store and see a display of Menorahs, I would expect it to say something along the lines of "celebrate the Chanukah season", not "Happy Holidays".  They know what they're celebrating, just like I know what I'm celebrating!

And guess what else?  I wouldn't be offended to see the word "Chanukah" used in advertising.  It's their religion.  They have just as much right to see it in print as I do to see Christmas.  I believe it's not really either the Christians or the Jews, or the Muslims, or the Hindu's or whoever.  It's the damn commies.  That's right!  The commies! 

Why, back in my day, we knew who our enemy was.  It was the damn commies!  Everything I ever learnt in school was geared toward fearing and hating the damn commies. They wuz gonna drop some nucular (thanks GB) bombs on us & we wuz gonna drop some nucular bombs on them. They hated us cuz we was a powerful nation, and we hated them cuz they was commies. Then somepin happened, and we din't hate em no more.

Once we didn't have the commies to hate and fear, we had to have something. So society turned on our own. We couldn't call em commies any more. We had to start saying things like "the fine fellows over in Moscow", and "our friends the Russians". This softness took hold, and somebody in the government decided that what we needed was a Department Of Mutual Benefitters. This department was established with the sole purpose of finding every piece of backbone in this country and converting them into something akin to jello.

A few backbones escaped and fled throughout the country. Most live in hiding, afraid to go out into the light for fear of being accosted by the DUMB people, and being ridiculed for having an opinion. I think it's only fair at this point to tell you that I am one. Not an agent of the DUMB, the other ones. See, even now, I'm afraid to say the words.

I'm a backbone. There. It's done. I feel such a relief! It's like the clouds just parted and sunlight is streaming in! I am a backbone! Wow! I'm getting teary-eyed every time I say it!

In light of this newfound personal freedom, I feel the sudden urge to speak my mind.(oh my goodness) So here goes...any of you people out there with a backbone, join me this season by saying things like "Merry Christmas" to anybody you see! Lets tell the DUMB fools that they can kiss our asses if they think we're gonna stand by and listen to all this political correct crappness like happy holidays! And if they don't like it, tell 'em to piss up a rope! There are other places that will take my money and say Merry Christmas right back to me.

If I go to any place this year and they say happy holidays instead of Merry Christmas, I'm turning my white butt around and walking out the door! If you have any kind of Christian tendencies whatsoever, you're not gonna stand for even one more minute of the happy holiday bs that has overtaken our society! I'll even take a Happy Chanukah!

Frickin commies!

How much is enough?

I know what's it's like to come from a big family.  Where, if you're the youngest, you are more than likely just referred to as "hey you".  This isn't a bad thing.  I know a lot of people who come from even bigger families than I do.  I don't, however know anybody that comes from a family of 20!!!  What are they thinking? 

If you've been living under a rock for the last couple of years, "they" are the Duggars from somewhere like Fertile, Arkansas.  "They" are expecting their 20th kid.  20.  20, like in "holy crap how am I gonna pay for food?  20 like in, "holy crap, how am I gonna pay for diapers?"  20 like in "holy crap!  What the hell were we thinking?"  After 2 kids my wife would barely let me sleep in the same bed.  After 10, she'd make me move to a different room.  At 20, she wouldn't even let me drive down the same street!

How do they remember all the names?  Is it a George Foreman kinda thing?  You know, you just name 'em all the same, that way you don't have to remember a bunch of different names.  In my family, there were 6 kids.  All 6 of us started with a J.  Mom just started at the top and stopped whenever she got to the right name.  If there were 20 of us, it would take 10 minutes just to get to the right person to yell at!  Do you really think they even know the middle one's names? (no offense middle siblings) (mom didn't know your middle names, but she was okay with your first ones)

Why would they do this?  There's times where I think I'm gonna go to jail for killing a kid! (relax, I've never ACTUALLY killed a kid!)  If there were 20 of them little boogers running around, I'd be popping back so much play nice medicine you'd have to wipe the drool from my chin.  Of course, if I was taking that much play nice medicine, there probably wouldn't be 20 kids! 

There are so many kids in their house they could have their own school.  We barely had that many in our entire high school!  They have more people in their family than a lot of orphanages in Tai Wan! (bet the Duggar kids don't have to pick rice, though)  How do they cook for that many kids?  How do they get them all around to their various functions?  Do they really even know if there are extra kids sleeping over?  It would be fun to replace one of their kids with a random stranger kid & see if they notice. 

You could get the state to re-draw boundary lines and have your own voting district!  I believe, (but I might be mistaken) that George Washington actually had less people than that vote for him!  I don't know if I've ever even been in a room with that many people before!  My bet is they keep going till they can have a full offense and a full defense.  No substitutions!

Let's do the right thing courts!!!

Seriously, what the hell is wrong with this Country?  The same kids who got told to take off their American flag t-shirts on Cinco De-Mayo are now fighting in court for their rights, and the courts are saying the school was right!  Huh?  The school was right because it told a group of high school kids they couldn't wear shirts with the Americna flag on them, but it was okay for Hispanic students to wear shirts with the Mexican flag on them?  How was this the right call?  Were the hispanic students prohibited from wearing their Mexican flag t-shirts on the 4th of July? 

I heard an interview this morning with one of the kids.  He said there wasn't a problem at all that morning.  He interacted with hispanic students and nobody said anything, or even acted like they noticed.  It wasn't until the Vice-Principal brought it up that it became a big deal.  (and, on a side note, shouldn't the "Vice" Principal be paying more attention to drugs & prostitution at the school than the shirts?)  Why is the Vice-Principal, who, I'm assuming, is an American citizen, treating these kids like they are weak-bladdered, knobby kneed commies?

Will girls in high schools be told from this point on that they can't wear skirts to school because it might offend the muslim students?  What if Jewish kids want to wear their yarmulkas?  What if some really fat girls decide to wear spandex?  That might be offensive to a whole bunch of high school boys.  Will that be tolerated? What if the kickers can't wear cowboy hats because it offends the skaters?  What if the skaters can't wear skinny jeans cuz it offends the jocks?  See where I'm going?  Everybody, and I mean everybody, at some point is going to offend somebody else!  Get over it!  Chances are, they weren't even trying to offend you! (unlike those like myself, who choose to try to offend people)

And for the appologists, who just can't help but appologize if they happen to offend somebody...Get over it!  If somebody decides to be offended by some remark you made in passing, or what you wear, or what you drive, or what you had for lunch, or whatever, it's THEIR problem.  Not yours!  Grow a little thicker skin. 

My hat's off (if I had one on) to the kids who are fighting the schools decision!  Hopfully, somebody in this country will wake up one day and say, "why dad-gum.  What we did to these kids is just plain stupid!  This here is America.  They should be allowed to honor the flag anytime they dang well please!  And if the people flying the Mexican flag get offended, why, maybe we should just give them taxi fare back to the border!"

And if some part of this offends you, TOUGH CRAP! 

This is what happens when you smoke crack as a youngster kids!

Is there anything that you can't buy online?  I'm driving the other day and see a sign that says "Reefs2u.com".  That was it.  Thinking I was going to find a great deal on flip-flops, I whipped out the smarter than me phone and looked it up.  Turns out they're selling reefs.  Like growing in the ocean, coral kinda reefs.  You can actually buy a living coral reef on-line!  Seeing this, I decided to do a little research.  You could buy an aquarium, all the little rocks & stuff, the scuba diver for the bottom, and all the fish for it online. 

You can buy deer online.  You can buy cows online.  You can buy donkeys online.  Horses, pigs, chickens, ducks, sheep, and goats of all kinds are all available on-line.  I'm not real sure why you would want to stock your barnyard all on-line, but you can all rest comfortably now knowing that you can!

Those are just the farm animals.  You can get alligators on-line!  ALLIGATORS!  Not sure who needs to order alligators on-line.  Guess watching re-runs of Steve Irwin just ain't doin the trick!  You can order snakes on-line! (Oh HELL no!)  Lizards, scorpions, tarantulas, crickets, turtles AND tortoises (didn't know there was a difference) all kinds of frogs, toads, and every kind of newt imaginable.

You can order all kinds of sea-food on-line, and they'll ship it alive if possible!  Steaks, ribs, bar-b-que, jelly, bread, pies, cakes, you name it.  All on-line.

You can buy plants on-line.  Trees!  Real, live, growing trees!  Bushes, shrubs, flowers, bulbs and whatever else your little mind can think of!

I've done the majority of my Christmas shopping on-line for several years, but recently I've kicked it up a notch.  I'm building myself a nice little cabin for us to live in & I've decided that I can probably order the vast majority of the stuff for the cabin on-line.  I bought sinks last week.  This week, I'll probably buy a couple more sinks.  Some light fixtures.  Some wood floor.  Some glass block.  Seems like there's nothing that I can't buy online and save the taxes!

And it's convenient.  I don't have to get all dressed up like I normally do to go to Home Depot.  No khaki pants and denim shirts so I look like I know what I'm doing! (I'd hate to walk around Home Depot in, say, a ratty pair of cargo shorts with a t-shirt that has 23 different colors of paint stains on it, no socks and sneakers, and a cap that says, Texas...love it or kiss my ass.)  I like to dress up a bit, just in case I'm seen by somebody I know!  By doing all my shopping on-line, I can do it butt-assed naked if I want!  Nobody cares! (except the housecleaner, who ran out of the house scratching at her eyes & shouting "I've burned my retinas"!) (Actually that part didn't happen) (Okay, maybe it did happen, but it was the spousal unit, not the housecleaner)

For all of these reasons, I want to offer up a special thank you to Al Gore for inventing the internet! 

(and notice how I didn't make any smart comments connecting the housecleaner to the spousal unit, as in "they're one and the same"!)

Love you dear!!!!!

Happy Veterans Day!

Thank you to all the veterans in this country that have served!  It's because of all of you that I have the opportunity to sit in my comfy warm office and write a blog entry that will be read by millions!  (there are literally MILLIONS of cells in your eyeballs! Am I the only one who didn't know that?)

All of you, either active duty or retired, deserve much more than just a day of gratitude, but I'm afraid that's all that we're going to be able to muster up!  What every one of you have done, just by signing up, is worthy of a huge THANK YOU!  You have made a committment with your life to honor your Country and all of it's citizens.

THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart!!!

Theories of a narcissistic society and the social balancing act of our time.

I have a friend (I know, big surprise) that has a theory.  A pretty good theory actually.  Since I want to protect the innocent (not that he is), I'm going to substitute a name for him.  For the sake of this blog, we'll call him Smelly Hambin.  Now Smelly called me last week and said, "I've got it figured out!".  I of course was over-the top excited to find out just what it was that he had figured out, so I waited.  And I waited.  And I waited.  Turns out, Smelly wanted me to ASK him what he had figured out.  And although I hadn't been drinking, I believe it was something along the lines of "it's all the hippies fault".  Ummmmmm, okay?

Smelly's theory goes something like this.  When the hippies came along in the 60's, it was all about peace love & happiness.  About people getting along.  About everybody being equal.  Well these people at some point stopped staging sit-ins long enough to procreate and have a bunch of little curtain climbers.  As these tax deductions started getting a little older, their parents (the hippies) didn't think it was fair for little Apple Blossom to play soccer, but not get a trophy.  I mean hey, who needs to know who wins & who loses?  So they decided that everybody that played, whether they were really good or really sucky would get a trophy, that way, there's nobody that's better than anybody else. 

As the little suckers got older, mommy & daddy didn't think it was fair for the really smart kids to get A's, and their poor little Moonbeams to get C's, so they went to the principle and complained that things were so unfair, and poor little Moonbeam was gonna get left behind.  So the school districts started some stupid crap about "social promotion", which was basically, "even though your kid's a dumb-ass, we have to move him up a grade just so he won't become a social outcast". 

Then these same kids entered the workplace, and guess what they figured out?  That's right.  Not everybody makes the same amount of money!!!  It didn't matter that Larry was willing to work 18 hours a day to get the job done and get promoted.  It didn't matter that Stanley was working 3 jobs while he put himself through college, then started up a computer company at night in his basement, only to see it go to $1billion in sales over the next five years, all the while working 80 hours per week and trying to raise a family.  It didn't matter that Mary started as a receptionist and worked so hard and smart that she ended up running the company. 

Nope.  None of that mattered.  All that mattered was that Moonbeam and Apple Blossom didn't get the same stuff that the others got.  So now, they picket Wall Street in an effort to let the world know that our capitalist society doesn't work after all.  Just because 1% of the income earners in this country make a gigantic portion of the income, it doesn't work.  They are calling themselves the "99 %ers".  Got news for them.  Even though they might technically be a part of the "99 %", they have absolutely nothing in common with most of the rest of us. 

I'm part of the 99%.  So is my boss.  So is the guy who sweeps up my jobsites.  I have absolutely no problem with the Bill Gates' and Warren Buffet's of the world.  They worked hard.  They worked smart.  They brought new technology to the market.  Whatever.  The point is, they EARNED it.  All that the damn protesters on Wall Street have earned is the right to bitch about it.  (Actually, they themselves didn't earn this.  I believe it was actually the generations of people fighting for the Constitution of this Country that earned it for them, but I digress)

So what we have here, is a generation of whiners & mal-contents that believe they "deserve" something just because they are alive, who were bred and raised by a generation of whiners & mal-contents that believed they "deserved" things just because they were alive!  I think I see a pattern. 

All this led me to think about a few things from my past & the way I was raised.  I never got a trophy until I was an adult and was able to cheat my brother out of it in a racquetball tournament.  I never got a "participation" medal.  The only way I ever got a medal was through lots of practice and actually winning something.  (still don't have very many medals!)  And guess what?  We knew who won or lost!  And we didn't break down and start shooting people because we lost!  We worked our butts off to make ourselves better and actually try to win the next time!  And the majority of us today actually try to do better for ourselves than just "getting by".  And we aren't pissed off because there are some rich people in the world.  Most of them have worked their asses off a lot harder than most people are willing, in order to get ahead!

So any of you hippies out there that are reading this, and are wondering why your kids are screwed up, look in the mirror.  Then go get your kids and beat their asses!

Smelly, you might be on to something!

To Hell and Beyond!

I don't have a real good idea of what Hell is really like.  Is it the burning lake kinda stuff that we all learned about in Vacation Bible School as kids, or is it more tailored to the individual?  I'm really thinking it's more individualized, and I believe that today, I got a glimpse into what my personal Hell will be like. 

Accounting.

There, I've said it.  Accounting is my personal Hell.  I know some of you will really have a problem with this, but it's true.  I'm not a debit and credit kinda guy.  I barely know what accrual means and now I've got to account it?  If there has to be a negative and positive for every entry, what's the point?  Don't they just balance out?

There are a few people in the world that actually like playing with numbers.  They actually go to college and study this stuff.  These people are called "nerds". (ha, fooled you, you thought I was gonna say "dorks", didn't you)  These are the people that took slide-rule as an elective in high school.  The kind that had the Texas Instruments calculator in the little carrying case on their belt.  In they're dreams, they see adding machines (do they still have those?) and calculator tape.  They understand how much interest to write off and exactly what code to use to enter it in the computer.  They care about this stuff.  A lot!

Me, not so much.  I like to build things. Occasionally I like to tear things down. I like to know how things are put together. I like to get my hands dirty. I like to use tools. I like smelling sawdust. I like creating sawdust. (not real wild about snorting sawdust, but I will admit, when I was younger, there was this party.....)

I get the privilege of going through a bunch of stuff that's really, really screwed up and try to get all the little square accounting pegs in all the little square accounting holes.  The problem is, for the last several years we've had "professional" accountants doing this work.  And even though, on the surface, "professional" accounting folks appear to like every penny in it's place and all pennies accounted for, sometimes, that's just not the case.  I mean seriously, HOW CAN YOU LOSE A $40,000 INTEREST PAYMENT???????????
Sometimes, the "theory" of accounting should stay just that.  A theory!  I don't need another knob-kneed, spikey-haired dweeb telling me that I'm doing it wrong, just to be proven wrong themselves!  I don't need a master accountant to come tell me how to balance a checkbook.  I know how to do it! (and for that special someone, just because I know HOW to do it, doesn't mean I ACTUALLY do it!)

I'm pretty sure the same entry was done at least 7 times for one thing. (apparently too much time on our hands at one point)  Put it in, take it out.  Put it in, take it out.  (sounds like a day in the life of a fudgesicle at Rosie O'Donnel's house)  (Get your minds out of the gutter!) 

My conclusion, after this wonderful, fun-filled morning is this:  It doesn't matter how many years you go to school to learn to count, or how prestigious the school is, or how much it cost you to get the advanced degree in counting.  If you have no common sense, you're still just a little nerd with no friends, bad hair, zits on your forhead and an incredibly grating voice. (this was not a personal attack)  (Who'm I kidding?  It was incredibly personal.)  And did I mention you look like Granny from "The Beverly Hillbillies"?

Just a Bunch of Rants

Occupy Wall Street.  What the hell is that supposed to mean?  Apparently a bunch of little morons are demonstrating against the evil "big corporations".  What I find truly funny is the fact that every one of them is out there on their smart phones, working on their laptops, wearing clothes purchased from Target, drinking latte's from Starbucks, eating out of McDonald's bags.  Hmmmmmmm.  

And another thing.  I heard this morning that a bunch of workers at Wal-Mart are trying to unionize.  So apparently, they all need a little education on the history of labor unions.  First, you unionize.  2nd, you go on strike for better wages, health insurance, free soda's at break-time, and softer paper in the toilets.  3rd.  Wal-Mart gives in to your outrageous demands.  4th - 2 years later, you decide you can't live with what you've got, so you go on strike for even better wages, profit sharing, free cherry-coke icee's, and 1/2 off blueberry lipgloss.  5th.  Wal-Mart gives in.  6th.  Wal-Mart can't sustain another year of losses, so they raise the price on everything 20%.  7th - Everybody that shops at Wal-Mart says "well heck Leroy, the only reason I ever went to Wal-Mart was cuz it was cheap.  I'm gonna go check out the Target store."  8th - Business eventually dries up to the point that Wal-Mart is left with no option but to declare bankruptcy and go out of business.  9th - You sit on your fat ass on your naugehyde couch crying cuz you don't have a job.  10th - You finally get a job at Target making 25cents less per hour than you originally made at Wal-Mart.

But yeah, go ahead and strike.  That's progress.  Think I'm going to organize a union also.  It's going to be a union of people who are fed up with your whiney-ass weasely voices.  A union that's going to kick you in the ass until you come to your damn senses and pull your head out of your butts long enough to realize that unions have killed the labor force in this country and any businesses that rely on that labor force.

And while we're on this subject, let me throw this one in.  The NBA is a bunch of stupid-ass men playing a stupid-ass kids game.  They're currently whining about what, I don't even know.  All I know is the pre-season is cancelled, and if the "lock-out" goes on much longer, the first 2 weeks of the season will be cancelled.  Now I'm not a season ticket holder, but if I was, I would be on the front steps of the local NBA franchise with said tickets in hand waiting for the opportunity to stick them up some NBA player's or owner's ass!  What an absolute bunch of buffoons!  They make more money in one night than about 90% of the poeple in this world make in a full year!  Absolutely ridiculous! 

I hope whenever they do come back and start playing, they have to give every bit of money that was lost during the lockout to some charity.  Hand deliver it.  With no cameras around.  Let them all get a taste of what real suffering is.  You wanna bitch about not getting your fair share?  Try telling that to the people who lost their son this morning in Afghanistan!  You think they got their fair share?  Every NBA player, coach, owner, announcer, statistician, and anybody else in the business can kiss my white ass!  My plea to all 2 of you that actually read this is to never watch another NBA game!  I'm fairly sure that women's synchronized swimming is in season.  Watch that instead!

And now, the rest of the story...Not really, just tired of bitching! 

Dear Agnes, it's me again!

Yes, I know it's been a while since I've been on here.  Trust me, the millions of followers have been continually harrasing me because of the lack of posts.  Just seemed easier to give up than get p.o.'d all the time about the things I write about.  Truth of the matter is, I was getting so p.o.'d about things that I couldn't write!  But I'm better now. (not bitter now, which one might expect)

I heard this morning that the beautiful city of San Antonio is being petitioned to become a "Sanctuary City".  At first I said to myself, "self", I said, "that sounds like a pretty cool idea.  We could be known as a sanctuary.  A place where people from other towns come to to commune with nature.  To kick back & relax.  To be a peaceful place."  Then it was explained that what these imbecilic knuckle dragging monkeys acually want is a place where every illegal immigrant can flock to!  Where we won't spend any money trying to prosecute these law breaking bags of donkey dung!  What the crap?  Why don't we just rent a giant billboard in every damn border town from Matamoras to Tijuana saying, "hey Vato, get your ass to San Antonio.  The Americano's there are so stupid they don't even want to enforce their own laws".

What a stupid ass thing to even consider!  What a just absolutely brilliant frickin' idea!  Let's not go after the illegals, even if they break a law, even though they've already broken a law.  What a bunch of squirrel ass nut-jobs we've become.  Jeeeeesh!

Sarah Palin announced yesterday that she would not be running for president.  I don't know, nor do I care what any of your political beliefs are.  I think we can all agree on this one point...the field of possible candidates just got a lot uglier!

And speaking of ugly, isn't the election for president still over a year away?  Why do these people get to start campaigning already?  Don't they have jobs to do?  I mean, Rick Perry is still Governor of Texas!  Doesn't he have a rock to go paint or something?  Okay, that was a low blow.  I don't think he's racist, and I think the whole "minority head" ranch thing was way blown out of proportion.  What's more, I don't remember his side of the story getting any air time.  I don't really care one way or the other, I won't vote for him anyway, I just think he got the short end of the stick.  What about Mitt Romney?  Shouldn't he be counting his money?  Shouldn't Herman Cain be delivering a pizza or something?  I don't want to have to listen to all this crap & all these lies for the next 13 months!  I know, I know, they're not all lies.  When one of the candidates says they need to pee, that's probably the truth!  (Question...how do you know when a politician is lying?)

And another irritating political thing.  How come President Obama is known as "The first black president"?  Did I miss something?  I thought he was 1/2 white?  From now on, I'd like the media to refer to him as the first black/44th (or 45th?) white president.  I always get a big kick out of how people want to be of a certain racial orientation just so they get the benefits of it.  (Actually Larry, I'm 1/64th Zulu, so I should actually get that scholarship for canabalism!)  Hey, I'm at least a little bit of some other race, though I'm not sure what it is.  Can I just make some crap up to put on the kids scholarship applications?  I've been referred to as a "red-neck" quite a bit in my life.  Doesn't that make me an Indian?  (Feather not Dot)

I'm sure my viewing masses will be highly entertained, and not a little bit enlightened by this small piece of literature.  So I personally thank all of you that stayed on my ass until I wrote something again.  You know who you are.  (actually, you don't, since there was no one that said, "hey, you need to write your blog again.  That was terribly entertaining and enlightening.  It was the best thing on the internet.  You should be on the news.  You should write for the paper.  You should run for President.)

(answer...when their lips are moving!)

Some say it's hot.

Remember if you will, a coolness.  A time in your life when things just seemed, well, simpler.  A time when children laughed and smiled.  When grown adults smiled as they huddled around the bonfire with a beverage of their choice.  A time when there was no war.  A time when there was no famine.  A time when there was no HEAT!

Think back to yesteryear when it was 9 degrees for three days!  I remember having a beverage with Redfish one afternoon, talking about the coldness.  We both agreed, "we'll take the heat anytime, just get the cold done with". What the HELL were we thinking?  Yeah, I can take the heat.  As long as I have an a/c that runs, I can take the heat.  But this is ridiculous.  I have third degree burns on my temples from putting on my sunglasses!

I actually did something I haven't done in a long time today.  I went outside.  In the middle of the day.  As soon as I hit the edge of the porch, I knew it was a mistake.  The heat sucked the breath out of my lungs like a 4 year old with a chocolate shake.  All the moisture in my eyes dried up instantly.  My will to live was completely abandoned.  After being in the yard for somewhere short of 5 minutes, I had bat-wings that would make the Congress Avenue bridge in Austin cancel their evening show.  It was hot!

And rarely in my life have I had to say, "well if you think it's hot there, you should try it in South Texas".  This would be the year!  A friend posted the forecast for Dallas on Face-book last week.  106 to 108 every day.  We were downright frigid down here with only 104's!  Almost broke out a hoodie!  I've heard it's 113 in Norman, Oklahoma.(and who names their town Norman?)  I even heard it's 157 in Larry, Texas. (haha, not really)

Last week, I saw a Tarantula spontaneously combust!  I saw a match start on it's own!  I saw a homeless person with a sign that said "forget the beer, forget the money, just give me ice!"  I have a new-found empathy for things you cook in an oven!  I saw a news report of somebody cooking on egg on the Texas Motor Speedway track!  Fire-walkers are refusing to walk on the sidewalk barefoot.

Is this the beginning of the end?  I hope so!  No, not the end of the world silly, just the beginning of the end of the heat!  If you look at it logically, last week is historically the hottest week of the year in San Antonio.  So by that reasoning, this really is the beginning of the end.  Just typing it makes me feel better.  That and the ice cold beer and the highly efficient 14 SEER air conditioner!

California in July. Yeah Baby!

Just got back from spending a few days with Mickey & the gang at the house of mouse in beautiful, sunny California.  While all the locals complained about the intense heat, I smiled.  Seems like when the mercury hits around 78 or so, our friends in the granola state tend to fly into a bit of a panic.  They actually have to turn ON the A/C's!  I was, by far, the happiest red-neck in California for a few days.  When I told a lady that it was 104 in San Antonio the day before I got on the airplane, I thought she was going to suffer heat stroke! 

Other than a few minor obstacles, the trip was a smashing success.  The Disney people know how to do things right!  You would have to really look to find a piece of trash on the ground, and everyone that I ran into in a Disney uniform was friendly and courteous.  I even saw a sign that said "Guest Relations"!  I stood in line at the door for 45 minutes before it was politely explained to me that they don't mean that kind of "relations"!  I was pretty bummed about that for a while, cuz there were some pretty good looking guests!

Don't get me wrong.  There were some pretty dang bad looking guests too!  A bunch!  And some lard-asses like you can't believe!  When you're pushing the big five-oh-oh, it can't be all that comfortable to ride around Disneyland all day in your scooter!  Of course, when I mentioned this, the response I got was "at least they're out here trying".  BS.  If they were out here trying, they'd get their fat-asses out of the scooter and walk a little bit.  That's like pulling out my checkbook to write the electric payment, but not actually writing the check.  "At least I'm trying to pay".  Oh yeah, they all happen to like ice cream too.  A LOT!  It was personally disturbing to see the fat lady (I use fat here generously, because I believe the correct word is actually ginormous) sitting in her scooter go through the little windy-maze thing of a line to get to the ice cream counter.  First off, you don't need the damn ice cream!  Secondly, you don't need to ruin everybody else's appetite by letting your shirt ride up so we could all see your lovely mid-section! (just threw up a little in my mouth, AGAIN) Third, if you can't drive that damn thing any better than that, stay the hell at home!

Okay, I feel better. 

I've worked out a couple of handy hints for you if you should ever try to go hang with the mouse.

1:  You're basically gonna walk the equivilent of 750 flights of stairs, 750 times a day.  Get some comfy shoes.

2.  Disneyland doesn't sell alcohol.  This is an important item after hint #1.  Get yourself a flask.

3.  Everything in Disneyland is expensive.  Deal with it or don't go.  Nobody in the park wants to hear you arguing with Starla about spending 6 bucks on a corn-dog or saving it for a 12 pack of Milwaukee's Best.

4.  Did I mention you're gonna walk a LOT?

5.  Take dramamine or don't eat.  Enough said.

6.  If your kid is crying BEFORE they get on the ride, don't make 'em ride it.

7.  If you can figure out when the camera takes the picture, ride it again and do something goofy. (like eat a peanut bar)  (or pray)

8.  It's only 75 degrees in California in July.  Don't ride a water ride early in the morning. It's a pain in the butt to wear wet drawers all day! (literally)

9.  Watch the fireworks.

10.  Get a spot early for the parade. (but don't sit directly above a storm sewer drain.  They stink)

And that leads me to the most humorous comment I heard the entire trip.  Me and the man-child were finishing up our business in the bathroom, when we hear this little kid say to his dad, "what I said was I didn't pee in your pants".  A minor distinction, but a major revelation!

Strange Brew

Sometimes, in the privacy of particularly no-where, do you ever just stop to think about "why"?  For instance, who was it that made ketchup the go-to condiment for french fries? And why are they called french fries? In England, they're called chips.  I don't know what they're called in France.  Who was it that originally pulled a potato out of the ground and decided to drop it in hot oil?

I wanna know who first looked at a cow and said, I bet them dangly-downy thingy's sure have some good stuff inside.  Bet if we was to pull on 'em, we'd get to have ourselves a party!

I want to know who the first person was that looked at an egg right after the hen laid it and said, by-golly, I bet if we throw that sucker in a frying pan it'll be a dang good source of protein at breakfast.  I'm pretty sure if I was the first person to see it come out of a chicken, I wouldn't think about grabbing it & eating it!  And what did they do before we had frying pans? (I know in Texas they just dumped it on a rock & it cooked)

Or how about cottage cheese?  Seriously.  Some mom probably went into little Timmy's bedroom and found a glass of stuff from those dangly-down thingy's that had been sitting there for a couple of weeks and said to herself, "self", she said, "I bet if I put a little salt and pepper on this stuff, it'll be delightful".  Turns out she was wrong, but somewhere along the way, she was able to sell it to millions of americans as a healthy diet supplement, write herself a cookbook, get a cooking show, a talk show, and meet with the Prime Minister of Botswana.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that there are these kinds of adventurous souls in the world, coming up with savory goodness for all the rest of us to enjoy.  I tried it once myself.  I'm still kinda surprised that peanut butter, jelly and onion sandwiches didn't catch on!

OUR GOVERNMENT IS A JOKE, BUT I'M NOT LAUGHING!

Well, they're at it again.  Our friends in big government seem to think that the appropriate way to keep this country running is to raise the debt ceiling.  Hmmmmmm.  Yeah, apparently this worked great for the 30% of homeowners who lost their homes over the last few years.  I'm betting any of them would tell you that it's not a real smart method of fiduciary responsibility to extend your credit to the point where you can't pay all of your obligations.

I'm willing to make a bet that I can give my 4th grader a short pencil & ask him to figure out the following problem.  If I give you $20, how much can you spend?  It's really that simple.  I don't care if the number is $20, or $20million, or $20 trillion.  You can't spend more than you have.  I say you can't, but we've been doing a pretty good job of it as a country.  We fund research projects to study the length of Komodo Dragons tongues, and to study the circumference of an average Gerbil's left testicle, but then we turn around and threaten to take away money from the very people who made this country great in the first place.

The Democrats in Congress think the way to get us out of this mess is to spend.  The Republicans in Congress think the way to get us out of this mess is to spend.  It's all a joke.  I'm not sure I want a bunch of third world countries laughing at us because we can't pull our heads out of our asses long enough to fix the problem.

I'm as American and patriotic as you'd want.  I don't mind paying my fair share of taxes.  But the fact of the matter is that I DO pay mine and a couple of other peoples fair share of taxes.  I'll be damned if I want to pay more when we're spending TRILLION's on stupid crap.  I'm not sure why we need to fund all of the stupid research grants, or the welfare system, or the food stamp system, or any of the other myriad of social programs that teach people not to work, but to suck off the government.

Before any of you get your panties in a wad, let me give you an example.  A friend has a daughter.  She has 3 kids.  Every time she squeezes out another pup, it doesn't cost her a dime.  She gets food stamps.(almost $900 per month)  She gets WIC (women and infant children).  She gets free daycare.  Did I mention she's not married?

Another friend has an adult child who needed a bunch of medical tests last year.  Hospital bills totaled just shy of $20,000.  He didn't pay a dime.

In my household, we had a pretty hectic surgery schedule last year.  4 surgeries in all.  Cost my family just shy of $40 grand out of pocket.  I'm happy to pay it too!  The result would have been disastrous if we hadn't had them.

Guess what?  In the first 2 examples, both of these people are unemployed.  So what I'm saying is, it's okay to keep getting knocked up and having babies, because government is going to take care of you.  You shouldn't have to get a job to support your family.  That would be mean!  And because of this, we create a society of dependants. 

It's no different than the family who gives their kids everything they could possibly want in life without requiring anything out of them.  25 years later, the same parents are wondering why their kids won't get a job and leave home.  Would you?

We have got to make a stand against the politics as usual crowd in Washington.  I don't give a crap whether you're black, white, brown, green, grey, yellow or purple.  Don't give a crap if your straight, gay, bi or tri.  I don't give a crap about your educational level, your income level, where you live or the kind of car you drive.  You can be a red-neck, a hill-billy, a city dweller, a cave dweller or live in a box.  I don't care what you do for a living.

What I do care about is the fact that we are all Americans.  And every one of us should be to the point where we wanna go kick some politician ass.  I know I am!

NOW I'M NO DOCTOR, BUT.....

While I was sitting on the overstuffed leather sofa last night watching a group of guys trying to trackdown Bigfoot (yes, as in, "she's a Bigfoot Gus") when a commercial came on.  Now, I know that they run commercials fairly regularly, and I can't even remember what it was for, but I do know that whatever it is, I don't want any. 

"Possible side effects may include:  loss of appetite (maybe I do want some), shortness of breath, inflamed nostrils, splotchy skin, nausea, diarrhea, itching skin, hives, loss of hair (maybe i've already taken it), blurred vision, memory loss, slurred speech, cramps, hacking cough, blood in urine, tender nipples, loose stools, belly button lint, ear hair, tongue hair, toe fungus, anal irritability, migraines, night sweats, bed-wetting,a constant tik that makes you snap your fingers every 4.3 seconds, lip-licking, and finger-biting.  People that have taken this medicine have reported violent mood swings, and the uncontrollable urge to beat the crap out of someone.

Talk to your doctor before taking this medicine if you are on heart medication, or if you have high blood sugar.  Ask your doctor if you are healthy enough for sex (I like my doctor and everything, but he's really not my type).  If you experience any of these conditions, please stop taking this medicine and contact your doctor (before or after the sex?)."

So, why would I take any of this medicine?  Invariably, it's always for some anti-depresant.  Hmmmmmm.  Would I rather be depressed or have tender nipples?  I have uncontrollable urges to beat the crap out of some people already, not sure I want to add to the homicidal tendencies.  If a drug needs a full 60 second commercial to explain all the possible side effects, why would you want to take it?  Can the symptoms possibly be any worse than anal irritability?  I'm not even sure what that means.  If I was an anal, I'd damn sure be irritated!(explains a few things about my personality) 

I thought She Liked Me, But She Was Just Being Thorough!

I'm getting pretty excited about my vacation next month.  Taking the whole fam damily to the house of mouse.  I think the thing I'm most excited about is the airport!  I'm not going to go through the x-ray scanner thing so I can get me a little action!  I'm assuming I get to pick the TSA agent who "searches" me.  I'm gonna find me a big-eyed blonde to do it.  Take along a bottle of wine.  Maybe a little candlelight.  A strolling violin player to help set the mood.  It'll be like a commercial for E-Harmony.

What?  I don't get to pick?  I don't want 300 pound Jose to do the "search".  That wouldn't be as much fun.  If I've got to have some fat-ass guy doing the grope "search" I might as well go to prison.  At least there I'd get a free tattoo out of the deal. 

I'm sure we've all seen the video by now of the 6 year old girl getting groped "searched" by the TSA agent.  I hope like hell her parents sued the TSA agent, TSA, the Congress, President Obama, Michelle Obama, George Bush, George Kennedy, Kennedy Space Center, and anybody else he could think of.  Right after he whipped some TSA agent's ass.  Touch my 9 year old and you're gonna have a lot more to worry about than a lawsuit.

I'm not sure how many people in this country are aware of just how un-just and un-constitutional this "searching" is.  The 4th amendment of the Constitution, laying right in the middle of what has become known as "The Bill of Rights" specifically states:  "The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized."  Did we all catch that?  Some key words here are "probable cause", and the fact that there needs to be a warrant "particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized". 

First off, probable cause.  I'm pretty sure it's safe to assume some little 6 year old girl isn't smuggling a frickin satchel bomb.  She's probably not even sure what a damn terrorist is, yet she's basically being accused of being one.  If they were searching her for hidden skittles, I might buy the probable cause, but that would be the only way.  What could possibly have possessed the TSA to search a 6 year old?  Oh yeah, now I remember.  They don't want to be "profiling", do they?  "Hey Larry, let's search this little blonde haired kid & let Abdullah in the line behind her go through.  What?  I know he's got hand grenades hanging off his belt.  They're just fakes.  He's a nice guy.  Really.  I can tell.  Oh look, a 78 year woman in a wheelchair.  We better search that one too."

I know I'm picking on the TSA agents here, but I'm not sure it's really their fault.  They have been told not to "profile" when picking people to search.  What an utterly ridiculous and impossible task.  What they've been told, basically, is to NOT search the people who obviously fall into the "likely" category.  You know, middle eastern men, 20 - 40 years old.  And before any of you get your panties in a knot, I remember Timothy McViegh.  But the basic fact of the matter is that there are a whole lot more convicted terrorists of Middle-eastern descent than any other race.  It might make sense to search them.  But if we did, all the lawyers would crawl out from under the rocks and sue for racism. 

So again, because people who probably aren't even citizens sue the government, little old ladies and little kids get felt up and groped by TSA agents.  Non-citizens have more rights in this country than the people paying the taxes. 

The long and the short of this entire deal is that what the TSA is doing is unconstitutional.  It goes directly against the basic tenets of freedom that we have been guaranteed by the Constitution of The United States of America!

It's time to wake up America & take our country back!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go write a sonnet for a certain little TSA agent!

GOVERNMENT PLEASE HELP US!

So I hear this morning that our government, in order to better protect us defenseless citizens against harming ourselves is going to require tobacco companies to put pictures of rotten teeth & mouths on packages of smokes.  I'm sorry, did I miss something?  Are we not allowed to have our own private little bad habits anymore?  If you follow this line of thinking, there's going to be a whole lot more warning pictures on packaging and billboards soon.

This, I'm assuming, will soon be followed by BlueBell having to put pictures of fat guys in speedos on packages of ice cream.  Tornado warning symbols on the "Welcome to Alabama" signs.   Pictures of plane crashes on the side of airplanes.  Pictures of dead people on the side of motorcycles.  How about pictures of ugly girls on tequila bottles? 

Do we need to tattoo a picture of dog bites on every pit-bull?  Or warning signs on snakes?  Every time a baby's born, the parents should sign off on the fact that the kid is going to poop & puke on them.  Every time you start your car, there needs to be a big red warning sign that comes on that says you might crash.  Every time you take a shower, you need a sign reminding you that the floor is slippery.  Every time you have sex, do you need a tattoo down "there" to remind you that this is the way babies are made?

We already have warning signs on ladders warning that you might fall off.(duh)  There are labels on 5 gallon buckets advising that it's not a good idea to let your toddler go swimming in one.  Warning labels on cans of tuna for pregnant women (what about the poor tuna? Bet he didn't get a sign).  There are even signs in MEN'S bathrooms warning about the dangers of drinking for pregnant women!(probably do need a sign warning about stupid people working on premises)

What I want is a sign that says "I'm big enough to make my own decisions".  I don't like the fact that the government thinks that they have to protect me from myself.  I'm constantly amazed at the fact that they are much more pre-occupied with my well-being and safety than the fact that there's about eleventy-billion illegal aliens in this country mooching off of us.  Or the fact that there's about 200,000 soldiers, sailors, marines and airmen in harms way at this very moment. 

If I choose to light up a smoke, chances are that I know it's not the healthiest activity I could pursue.  If you think seeing a picture on the side of a package of cigarettes is going to make me NOT light up, you're sadly mistaken.  We've already had a warning label on them forever.  Apparently only people who can't read smoke, because then, after the labels were there, we let them all sue the tobacco companies because they didn't know it was dangerous.  BS.

I have an idea.  Why don't we all, as Americans, tell the government to mind their own business and stop worrying about us.  Prove to the Jack-wad's that we do indeed have the intelligence to take care of ourselves.  What we all need is a sign for "Big Brother".

LIBERALS, CONSERVATIVES, AND THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE TO HATE THEM!

The 2 headlines I read last night were about a) Weiner resigning, and b) a guy with the name of Boehner.  I really couldn't read any farther, and, relax, there won't be any(many) weiner jokes this time.  Although, it's pretty hard to resist temptation.

Why is everybody railing against Anthony Weiner?  You would think that at the very least, the people that voted for him would be sticking by him!  How can they back away now?  They got what they wanted, obviously.  Y'see, politics has nothing at all to do with Republicans, or Democrats, or Whiggs for that matter.  Politics has everything to do with people's social makeup.(not to be confused with social networking, where you don't have to wear makeup)

Anthony Weiner is a liberal.  He has a liberal mindset.  As did President Clinton.  Liberal minded people take a more liberal approach to all things in their life, just as conservative minded people take a more conservative approach to all things in life.  This has nothing to do with political party affiliation.  There are liberal Republicans, and conservative Democrats.  There are conservative Republicans and liberal Democrats.  There are ugly Republicans and ugly Democrats.  And there's Sarah Palin.

Much too often, decisions are made at the highest levels of government in this country just for the sake of "the party".  That's a load of crap if you ask me.  I don't give a damn what political party you're in or how much money you've got, or how many prostitutes you keep on your payroll.  You owe it to the Country & the people that voted for you to stand up for their rights, and to fight as hard as you can for the things that benefit your constituents.  Even if it pisses off everybody in your party.  Actually, you should do it just so it DOES piss off everybody in your party.

What we need in politics are people who don't give a crap about what anybody thinks about them.  Who don't give a crap about the next term.  Who'll tell all the big-money lobbyists to kiss their ass.  Who'll care about what's best for America.  Who'll fight tooth & nail for what's best for America.  Who won't compromise their principles, whether they be liberal or conservative.  Who won't even read the polling reports. 

We need someone who won't mind sitting on the back deck & drinking a cold beer with a few guys named Junior and Malik and Pedro.  Who won't see color, or money, or status as an advantage.  Somebody who know's what it's like to fix up a '69 Camaro just to get to school.  Somebody with callouses on their hands and blisters on their feet.  Somebody that's worked for a living.

See, I don't give a crap whether you're a liberal or a conservative.  My views and opinions won't always align with yours either way.  And that's okay.  It doesn't mean I'm right (I am) and you're wrong (you are).   What it means is that we are all individual.  I don't need a party affiliation to tell me what I'm supposed to feel, and do, and say.

I know people who will almost go to blows over a difference of political opinion.  I like to know what both sides feel or think, but most of the time you can't have an intelligent discussion with people because once they hear one of your viewpoints differs from theirs, all they want to do is beat the crap out of you & prove they're right.  I hope I'm never that left or right leaning. 

If a guy wants to take a crotch shot and send it to half of Manhattan, who should give a crap other than his family?  To preach now that you're shocked & disappointed that a liberal acted in a liberal way is ridiculous, and more than a little hypocritical.  That'd be like Hitler telling little Hanz that it's okay to play with the jewish kid down the block.  In the words of Rodney King, "why can't we all just get along?"(I think that was right before the cops beat the crap out of him)

Oh, one more thing.  If you don't vote for anybody, you don't have the right to bitch about whoever won.  There's a name for people like this.  I'm not referring to "arm-chair quarterback" either.  I'm referring, of course to "ignorant, dumb-ass, knuckle-dragging, monkey-blowing morons".  Your most important civil right, and you can't even find the energy to turn off Barney Miller re-runs and go cast your vote. 

And no, I won't run for President.

She thought she was marrying her hero, but only got a Weiner!

Okay, I've held off as long as I could.  Anybody else find it funny that the latest politician to get himself in a wee spot o' trouble is named Weiner?  I'm giggling as I type this.  I mean, if that's not pre-destiny, I don't know what is!  This story has so many layers it could be known as the Tira Misu of scandals! 

First off, the guy's married to a woman named Huma.  Huma Weiner.  There's nothing that I could possibly write that makes this any better.  Huma Weiner.  At least there were no little weiners involved. 

Huma Weiner used to work for Hillary Clinton.  You remember Hillary's little run-in with this type of scandal, right?  So you've got the wife of a Weiner, working for a lady who (rumor has it) doesn't like weiner, who's married to a weiner.  Who had an "innapropriate" relationship with a porker.

Next up, the current Weiner calls the other weiner asking for advice, weiner to Weiner.  What kind of advice is there to give?  "I did not, have, sexual relations with that woman".  Or how about, "it depends on what the definition of is, is"! WTH?  I'm pretty sure if you open a dictionary and look up irony, you'll see this story as the definition.

So now apparently, Anthony Weiner has his weiner in hot water.  You might say, he's in weinee water soup!  As a side note, what was his nickname in high school?  Tiny?  Skinny?  This is the time that Huma needs to stand by her man and pull her Weiner through this.  Help him get back up and go balls to the wall.(this is really fun)

And honestly, how did this Weiner get elected?  Have you seen a picture of him?  He looks like a, well, a weiner!  Wouldn't it be great if he owned a company that built big buildings.  You know, an erection company. 

And what about "The Arnold"?  Does this take all the heat off of him?  Or, is he pissed that this Weiner stole the lime-light from his?  I bet that's more like it!  If I were Anthony, I'd be watching out for The Terminator!  Pull a Lorena Bobbit on him.  Kill him with his bare hands!  I can see the headlines now.  "Weiner wacked by hand.  Long search ahead!"

And let's not even get started with Elliot Spitzer!

Enough with this silliness.  How many times is it going to take for the politicians to realize that, in fact, they aren't above the law?  I guess they get tired of screwing the rest of us after a while and have to move on to something else.  Knowing that 90% of everybody on the street is just dying to get into the lime-light, wouldn't you think they would stop and consider the situation? "Hey, this might not be a good idea."  But then again, if they did stop & think, I wouldn't get the pleasure of writing a blog full of weiner jokes.

PLEASE help me!!!!!

I need help!  I'm not talking physically.  I really need help this time!(some of you have known this for a while)  Since the Spurs sucked it up in the first round, I don't know who to root for!  Do I root for the team I hate?  Or merely the team I severely detest?  I'm really confused this year.

Most years, I have a healthy dose of apathy when the Spurs aren't playing in the finals.  This year, I can't even work that up.  On one hand, we have a bunch of overpaid, whiney-ass "professionals" playing a kids game, wearing blue.  On the other hand, we have a bunch of overpaid, cry-baby "professionals" playing a kids game, wearing red.

One team has Mark Cuban.  Enough said.  The other team has LeBron "everybody watch me" James.  One team has as it's spiritual leader an admitted wife beater.  The other team was once coached by Pat Riley.  You see my quandary.

On one hand, I feel like I should root for the team from Texas, kinda, almost a home team.  But then again, Mark Cuban has made some pretty disparaging comments about San Antonio in the past, plus I just think he's a spoiled-ass little punk.

On the other hand, Miami was coached for a very long time by Pat Riley, who I'm pretty sure was able to soak up the entire Gulf oil spill with his hair.  There is also the LeBron factor.  I wasn't a real big fan anyway, but when he pulled his entire "I'm gonna hold all the NBA fans hostage just cuz I can" spectacle that overshadowed every other thing that was possibly happening in the World at that moment, it got under my skin!

I know both teams probably have some redeeming qualities.  I'd like to Dirk win a series.  I also kinda like Dwayne Wade and Mike Miller from Miami.  But I'm really torn.

So I need your help.  Please post comments on my blog with who you think I should root for.  I'll root for whoever gets the most votes.  Whether I like them or not.(probably more of the not, but, hey, a deals a deal)

Prayer in High School

I've been hearing the last few days about the high school valedictorian that wants to say a prayer during her speech, but can't because some agnostic family filed a lawsuit.  The more I hear about it, the more it pisses me off.  The agnostic family says it's invading on their civil rights.  What about the rights of the girl who wants to pray?  What about the fact that it says "in God we trust" on all of our currency?  What about the fact that it's okay for 1 person to file a lawsuit claiming that this girl is violating her rights, but the other 100 kids don't get a say in this?

It's like I've said for years, it's the very vocal minority that always gets their way.  The squeeky wheel syndrome.  The people that always file these lawsuits are the same ones that always preach about separation of church and state.  Saying that our fore-fathers(not four fathers like some of you cedar whackers have) never intended religion or faith to play a part in the governance or conscience of this country.  Apparently they slept through the important word.  You know, of.  As in, "Freedom OF Religion", vs. Freedom FROM Religion. 

See, this has always been my problem with this.  If you don't want to pray, don't.  If you don't even want to listen to it, put in your earphones.  The fact is, this country was founded because a few brave souls wanted to be able to worship and pray the way they wanted.  To the God that they wanted.  They fled religious persecution in Europe, where it was felt that uniformity of religion must exist in any society, in order for that society to flourish.  New Jersey, Pennsylvania and Maryland, as a matter of fact, were founded with the sole intention of being religious sanctuaries.

The point of this little history lesson is that I have an issue every time one of these stupid morons files a suit saying their liberties are being infringed on.  Maybe I should file suit because these butt-heads are breathing air that was only intended for me.  Or maybe because they aren't listening to the right kind of music.  Or maybe they aren't wearing the right clothing.  I think it's a real slippery slope that we are wandering down when these types of lawsuits are filed, and then up-held. 

I mean, seriously, is it really that big a deal to these ass-clowns, or are they just trying to get their 15 minutes of fame?  It's along the same lines of when you hear about some long-haired kid that got kicked out of school because he refused to cut his hair.  The parents always sue the school instead of kicking that kid's ass all the way to the barber.  Saying it's his right to have long hair.  Newsflash...if he gets a copy of the code of conduct and it says boys can't have long hair, then grows it out anyway, he deserves to have his ass thrown out.(apparently the problem is that he can't read, so maybe they should sue the school for that instead!)  But instead of a little discipline, they sue.  And win. And as a side-note, you ever notice it's the little weasely guy with bad acne and a Batman sticker on his clarinet case that's the one kicked out?  Coincidence?

They say that if this kid prays during the graduation, she could go to jail for it.  I personally will take donations to bail her out of jail.  Then I'll take a statue of Baby Jesus and stick it in the law-suit filers front yard.  So it's your right not to have to listen to a prayer.  It's my right to listen to a prayer.  Why does your right carry more weight than mine? 

How about we just leave everybody else the hell alone and worry about our own sorry asses for once.

Happy Memorial Day

I'm not sure why everybody always says "Happy Memorial Day".  I always thought it was a time of somber reflection and remembrance.  But hey, in today's society, any reason for a day off & a barbeque is something to be happy about.  Course, another reason to be happy is because a whole lot of folks over a whole lot of years have fought & died to keep this country great.  I'm pretty sure that everyone, at one time or another, has met or knows somebody that has served in a combat role in this country.  The majority of those that you know, have known the men and women whose names are carved on all the memorials around this country.

Names.  Lots and lots of names.  Names of men, women, boys, uncles, fathers, friends, cousins.  People who had dreams and aspirations.  People that voluntarily or involuntarily, fought and died for the freedoms that we enjoy today.  When I hear somebody disparaging the military heroes, or this country, my gut tells me that I need to go "straighten" their way of thinking out.  But I also know that we live in the greatest country, in the greatest society on earth.  It's because of all those heroes that the uneducated, narrow-minded losers can say whatever they want to say.  It's also because of all those heroes that I can refer to them as uneducated, narrow-minded losers!

I've known several veterans in my lifetime, and I consider them all heroes.  Whether they went to war or not, they were willing.  I've never had the courage or will to do what each and every one of these people have done, and are currently doing.  I grew up with a hero.  And although, growing up under his tutelage, I never appreciated the fact that he was, indeed a hero, I made a point of calling him one, late one night, in the latter stages of his life.  His reaction to me was "don't call me a hero.  I'm no hero.  When mortars started falling around me, or we came under enemy fire, I could dig a three foot foxhole through solid asphalt with my bare hands.  The people that died over there.  The people that didn't get to come home.  Those guys were the heros."  This guy had ribbons from three combat campaigns, and he wasn't a hero?

He didn't die in combat.  In fact, the only injury he sustained was when a small piece of white-phosphorous burned it's way through the webbing of his hand.  He showed me the scar once.  He carried a small New Testament Bible in his shirt pocket.  It deflected a bullet meant for his heart.  We've still got the Bible, which still carries the scar from the bullet.  He fought in one of the bloodiest, deadliest campaigns in Marine Corps history, and lived to tell about it.  Only, he never really talked about it.  That's the way he was.  Just do the job & on to the next one.  I was always afraid to ask too many questions growing up.  I wish I had asked more.

Although he didn't die in combat, a small piece of him did.  Even as an old man, when I'd ask the questions, his eyes would drift back & you could tell he was there.  You could tell it hurt him to talk about it.  To remember.  Remember not only the war and the fighting, and the incessant cold, and the miserable conditions.  But remember the faces too.  The faces of friends.  Friends who were hurt, or killed.  Friends who never got to come back & marry the love of their life.  Or father 6 thankful kids.

On this memorial day, I want to say thank you to all of the hero's, down through the history pages of the United States.  Thank you to every one of them that put on a uniform, only to have to pay the ultimate sacrifice.  Without every one of them, this country could not, would not, be the nation it is today.  I also want to thank all the veterans that I'm close to personally.  All of you have had a significant impact on my life, one way or the other!  I also want to thank everybody else that has ever worn the uniform.  You were all willing.

And I want to thank my Dad.  He sacrificed so that I never had to.

Happy Memorial Day indeed!!!

Our work phones got cut off a couple of days ago.  Along with our internet.  It was either from non-payment or not.  Can't really figure out which.  Seems that AT&T may be a little confused on this issue.  At different times yesterday, I was told that a)I wasn't an AT&T customer, b)I wasn't authorized to discuss billing matters, c) I was part of a migration to a new system, and d) that I was obviously upset.  Ya think?  I can't do business because you Bozo's can't figure this out & you seem surprised that I'm upset?

We were hounded by a salesperson for close to a year before I would even talk to him.  Typical politician BS about how we were going to save money, get better service, bring Abraham Lincoln back to life, and possibly help set up a sanctuary for Unicorns.  I bought it.  Hook, line & sinker.  What a sucker I am!  It's been problem after problem ever since.  It finally all culminated in us losing service on Tuesday.  And for what did we lose service?  We didn't pay a bill, on an account we didn't have, on a phone number that we cancelled 6 months ago!

We've been trying to get this all resolved for well over 5 months.  Called the customer service number countless times.  Every sweet little customer service rep told us the same thing too.  "I'll get to the bottom of this" in a big, booming, authoritative voice.  Then they wouldn't call us back.  Finally, last week, when yet another person called us to discus our account with us, they were told, in not a totally kind fashion, that we just didn't give a crap anymore.  If they wanted to disconnect our phones, so be it.  But until we got somebody to call us back that could actually carry on a conversation intelligently, they could kiss my white ass.  On hindsight, probably not the best reaction.

We asked repeatedly, not just yesterday, but for the last few months, to be sent a detailed statement of our account.  Did you know that AT&T, apparently, has no way of printing out a detailed statement for you?  The closest we got was the guy that was going to print out the last bill (not detailed) and fax it to us.  FAX IT TO US!  I was really waiting for him to try, but somebody told him in the meantime that our phone lines weren't currently working.  Pisser.

What I really found fascinating was when the AT&T representative told me she wasn't authorized to discuss our account with us.  Isn't that her job?  We offered, on more than one occasion, to pay the bill just to get the phones back up.  Unfortunately, none of the first 15 people or so we talked to were able to give us an amount to pay.  We knew we had started making progress though, when we were transferred to a lady that only dealt with customers in California and Nevada.(I've been to both places, does that count?)  She was nice enough to transfer us to a lady, who after we told her our story and looked up our account, told me that we weren't AT&T customers, but we were AT&T Legacy customers.  She couldn't help us, but bless her heart, she transferred us to another lady who told us she only handled small business accounts and couldn't help us.(have I mentioned there are currently 7 of us employed here? That's not small?)  This kind lady in turn transferred us to large business accounts, who gave us a phone number to call.  Turned out, it was the number on the AT&T bill that we had already called about a hundred times!

We finally, and I say finally, were able to be connected to someone, who, though she wasn't sure exactly how much we owed, accepted a payment from us & got the phones working again!  I was able to relay my story to some type of manager for AT&T, through my lovely spousal unit.  This young lady was nice enough to call me, not once, but twice to get some facts.  She sent it up to the big-leagues.  I got a message this morning from someone in the Executive team, telling me she had assigned it to a team that would get it all resolved for me, and I would hear from them soon.  All I've heard so far is crickets.  Guess we'll wait and see what "soon" means.

The really funny part of this is that the 17 year old is practically begging me to change cell-phone service from Sprint to AT&T.  Hahahahahahahahaha!

"TRAVELING POET. JUST NEED ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY PENCILS"

Why do people have no pride anymore?  Why, every time I have to stop at an intersection on a busy street, do I feel the need to carry on an entirely made up phone conversation with an entirely made up person?  I do this, of course to avoid the look.  You know the look.  The sad puppy dog eyes.  Or the slightly crazy twitch of the mouth.  The same old clothes you've seen him in for the last 4 days.  The unkempt hair.  And the sign.  Always the sign. 

"Hungry.  Homeless.  Need a hand."  Almost always followed by a scripture reference, or, at the least, a "God Bless".  Sometimes the signs are just a simple plea.  "Any Help Appreciated."  Sometimes they just reference a destination.  "El Paso".(why would anybody willingly ask for a ride to El Paso?)  Sometimes they tell a story to try to pull on the old heart-strings.  "Traveling missionary temporarily stuck in this wonderous city of yours.  Only need enough money to get back to the orphanage in New Guinea.  God will grant you extreme favor for any bit of generosity."(big piece of cardboard!)  My personal favorite was "Why Lie?  I need a beer!"  I gave him a buck.  I figured, WTH, I've been in that situation myself.(more than once)  Or the time in Vegas, when there was a guy on the sidewalk with a sign saying "Pictures.  $1".  The amazing thing about that one was the line of chicks sitting down to take a picture with the old dude.(might need to try that myself)

How many of these people are actually homeless?  I don't guess they particularly need to be homeless, but why don't they get a job?  I'm pretty sure it's because the begging thing pays better.  Think about it.  When you're sitting at a red-light (on an imaginary phone call) watch the cars in front of you.  Almost every time, at least one person will give them a buck.  The average wait at a traffic light is probably about a minute, so assuming he gets a dollar every light change, that's $1 every 4 minutes.  That's pretty good wages.  There's probably a lot of people who would like to make $15 per hour.  Tax free.

Once upon a time, a couple of years ago, I went into a combination convenience store and fast food restaurant to get myself a healthy dose of cholesterol.  As I'm walking up to the restaurant, I see a big truck parked outside.  When I go in, I notice a man sitting at a booth with his I-phone plugged into the wall.  I naturally assume it's the truck driver charging his phone.  After I get my burger with 2 all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun, I'm walking back out & say to myself, "self" I say, "that dudes not a truck driver.  He's the guy that's been begging on the corner for money the last few weeks".  What the Crap?  The dude that's begging me for money has a better phone than I do!(not surprising to many of you I know)  An I-frickin phone!(I don't know where the truck driver was)

There was a time when pride came into the equation.  As in, "I've got too much pride to go stand on the street corner and beg for money.  I'll get a job flippin burgers first".  I don't know about you, but I'd STILL rather flip burgers than go stand on a street corner and beg for money.  And if, by chance, I ever see you standing on a street corner begging for money, don't come to my window.  I'm on the phone.

The Rapture...Didn't Happen.

I have a little problem.  I'm still here.  That means one of two things.  Either the Rapture didn't happen as predicted, or I'm a poor excuse for a Christian.  I'm putting my money on "didn't happen", based entirely on the fact that my mom and 9 year old are still here.  I could completely understand if it happened & I was still around.    I mean, I try to lead a good life, but, well, it's me.  My spousal unit and 17 year old are still around too.  No big surprises there!(just kidding of course)

I mean seriously, why wouldn't the 9 year old get to go?  And my mom?  I said "hell" once in her presence and you'd have thought that Grandpa caught a squirrel in the toilet.  Never knew I was such a bad person until that moment.  In all fairness, that was a long time ago, and she's been around me a lot more since I got released...but that's a whole different story.  This is a really good woman we're talking about.  How come she didn't get to go?  I mean, that's just not right.  Wait.  Maybe it didn't happen after all?

And I thought kids got to go, period.  I know he's no angel, but really, he's just a 9 year old.  I can't have screwed him up that bad already.  Right?  Right?  Right?  Who am I kidding.  I am perfectly capable of screwing him up that bad.

Maybe this whole prediction wasn't really about the actual Rapture at all.  Maybe it was all about a revival of the old Blondie song.  Maybe this was some sort of strange alien message about how 70's & 80's music is the  universal language.  Who knows, maybe if we start playing Journey music backwards, we'll be visited by aliens from Neptune.  Sidenote...why is it always Martians when where talking about aliens?  don't ya think they might live on other planets too?

My personal feeling is that this whole thing was started by a bunch of wacko's sitting around drinking bong water one night with a Bible laying on a shelf in the room.  Before you know it, Jethro looks at the clock & it's 5:21.  On the 11th.  And he freaks.  OMG.  It's a sign!

Dang Skippy it's a sign.  It's a sign of what a dumb-ass you are.  And you went and had those big-ass magnets made for the side of your car.  And went on talk shows.  And now everybody in the free world knows what a dumb-ass you are.

So now, here's my prediction for when it's going to happen.   Whenever HE want's it to happen.  So shut up and go to bed.

Hair Today, Different Places Tomorrow!

Did any of you guy's dad's ever warn you about hair issues as you grew older?  Mine didn't.  I'm not talking about ordinary run of the mill hair issues here.  I'm talking about the strange stuff that apparently happens only with age.  Lately I've noticed that my hair seems to be thinning on top.  I wasn't too concerned about it at first, figured, oh well, I've got plenty where that came from.  But now, I'm not so sure.  If it keeps falling out the way it has been the last few weeks, it's not gonna take long before the mullet has to be put away forever.  I know that I've got a ways to go yet, but there's a chance I might have to start cutting my hair shorter at some point.  Get rid of the wings altogether.

My dad had hair issues.  As in, he was pretty thin on top.  My oldest brother has hair issues.  I'm not really sure if my middle brother has hair issues or not.  He still has some, so I guess that's a not.  Me myself, I happen to have a few hair issues also.  Like, I DON'T HAVE ANY.  When you're the youngest in the family, I don't think it's really fair to be the baldest.  Several years ago, I took pictures of the top of all of the males in the family's head.  Dad, significantly older than I.  Brother 1, quite a bit older than I.  Brother 2, still, quite a bit older than I.  And me, young, skinny, healthy, did I say young?  Who had the least hair?  You got it.  It's just not right!  I'd like to make a formal complaint.

Now there are other hair issues I need to be concerned with.  Hair is coming out in some of the strangest places, and in some weird ways.  Their are hairs long enough on my eyebrows now to braid.  Thinking about going with dreadlocks on my brows.  It's pretty bad when the 9 year old says, "Dad, what's wrong with your eye?".  I mean, I'm not Andy Rooney yet, but I think I just ordered the starter kit.

And the ears!  What is up with the hair growing out of the ears?  I mean, seriously.  And it's never cute little blond hairs either.  It's always got to be the big ole black, nasty looking things.  Why do I need hair on my ears?  I mean, I appreciate the gesture of giving me some hair somewhere, but my ears?  Maybe I can let them grow long and part them in the middle.  Get me a blow dryer again.  Buy lots of gel and maybe give myself some ear-mohawks.

My back, you ask?  Yep.  It's got a couple of nice fuzzy patches growing.  The problem with that is that I can't enjoy looking at it cuz it's on my back!  Maybe at some point it'll get long enough so I can cut it off & glue it to my head.  Make myself a wig.  Put those people at Lock's of Love to shame!

But on the flip-side of this, the one area where it's socially acceptable for a man to have a lot of hair is his legs.  This has always been an issue for me, but seems to have gotten worse lately.  I have the least hairy legs of any white man I've ever known.  The 9 year old asked me if I shave them.(not all the time, only when I want to really rock that little black dress)  You have to hunt for a hair on my legs.

So what does all this tell us?  Not a damn thing.  Other than the fact that you may want to give your offspring just a little warning!  "Boy, you just remember.  Once upon a time I had hair on my head too.  And not on my back.  Or ears.  Or nose."  Now excuse me while I go trim my belly hairs.

Who let me drink this early in the day?

Funny thing happened on the way to work today.  I filled up with gas.  What makes it funny was I only had to sell 8 bags of weed & a bottle of 22 Oxy-contin's to come up with the cash for the gas.  It seems really funny that the $85 of gas that I put in today might, and I say might, last til the weekend.  Even funnier is how the big 5 oil companies managed to squeek out profits of around $36billion in the first quarter.  Now I know that $36billion doesn't seem all that big to some of you out there, but that's a crapload of money to me.  I could afford to buy a matching set of Spongebob pajamas and bedsheets with that.  Maybe even have a little left over to go to happy hour at Sonic.

Is it just me or does it seem like gas went from about a buck a gallon a few years ago, to just under the spot where you have to sell plasma to afford it currently?  What it has done is make me aware of some of my habits.  Just yesterday, I actually walked down my driveway to my mailbox instead of driving!  And I've stopped mowing my yard.  Not gonna blow the 38 cents it takes to fill up the mower. 

What this has really helped me to discover is that not only with gasoline, but with all natural resources, we should concentrate on conserving.  Like water.  Don't waste it.  If you feel like you must drink it, drink it with scotch.  Or in beer.  Don't use it to brush your teeth either.  Use milk.  That way you can get your teeth clean & get your daily recommended dose of dairy at the same time.  Which brings up another natural resource we should be intent on conserving.  Time.  Don't just stand around wasting time.  I've found it's much more relaxing to maybe lie on the couch in a pair of ratty gym shorts with your hand in the waist-band, than just standing around.  Or play a few video games. 

The fact is, like with most things, all of our natural resources are dwindling.  And Lord knows we don't need any more dwindling around here.  As a side note, dwindling is an unusual word.  Looks like maybe a conjunction of Dwarf and Whittling.  But that's just plain mean.  Why would anybody want to whittle a dwarf?  Or dwarf a whittle for that matter.  Maybe its Dwarf and Kindling.  Like little bitty pieces of little pieces of wood.  But I digress.  Our natural resources are dwindling running out.  It's time we got serious about this conservation thing. 

So start today.  Don't mow your yard.  Put foil in your windows so your house isn't so hot.  Use real wood for your barbeque instead of charcoal.  Instead of throwing those old tires in a landfill, burn them in your backyard.  Lay on your fat butt on tthe couch and only watch 1 channel on tv instead of 3.  Don't brush your teeth.  Don't take a shower.  And the biggest of all, let's get rid of all the politicians so we aren't wasting air!

My Confession

Things are getting strange.  Everywhere I go I can feel it.  Cats are stalking me.  Snakes are eye-ballin me.  I saw a cat this morning crawl out from a pallet on the back of a trailer.  I saw a kitten laying dead on the side of the road.  I heard a meow.  What's it all mean?(other than the fact that obiously we aren't living in Viet-Nam)

My mother tells me she has a cat.  I've only seen it once.  Supposedly it's black & really cute.  Apparently it's not real fond of people, or at the least, it's not real fond of me (stand in line, cat).  Seems like I have some sort of superhuman cat-avoidance technology that's built into my dna.  It's not that I don't like cats, they just never give me enough time to really warm up to them.  Dogs are different.  They won't leave me the hell alone!  But cats, well, that's a different story.  A story that begins a long, long time ago...

When I was but a wee lad, we lived in a rambling (or ram-shackle, you decide) old ranch house, out, not directly in the middle, but close, to nothing (if you went through nothing and turned left, that's us).  On the porch of said ranch-house, at any given time, were approximately 427 cats of various shapes, sizes and colors.  Seems like we started with 2 cats to keep mice & snakes away, and apparently they never got the memo about over-crowding, and kept right-on having un-protected sex.  Sinful really. 

After a couple of years of this feline promiscuity, we had more cats than you could shake a snake at.  Unfortunately, being the only male offspring in the house at the time, the role of feline enforcer fell to me.  A bounty was placed on their heads, and sonny-boy needed him some dancin shoes, so cat bounty hunter I became.  And I was good.  Real good.  It started out innocently enough, but before long, I couldn't even go to school without my morning fix.  All I ever thought about was where they could be hiding.  Who were they with?  What crazy psychedelic cat-nip den were they holed up in?

I learned what colors they were wearing.  What they liked to drink.  Who their friends were.  Where they liked to spend their free-time.  I was in so deep, I was becoming one of them.  Time didn't matter.  Day blended with night.  Cat's blended with rabbits.  Chickens blended with horses.  And snakes blended with, well, snakes didn't blend with anything, they just crawled around disgusting me.

I wore cat tags around my neck.  I applied cat-camo and lived in the wild with them.  I collected cat ears and sewed them onto my cap.  Cats feared me. 

Then, just as suddenly as it started, the cat population was under control, and there was no need of a feline exterminator.  It left an emptiness inside of me.  I struggled for years for a sense of belonging.  Everywhere I went, I felt their eyes on me.  I couldn't sleep at night hearing the cries of the wounded.  The smell of the napalm hanging over the jungle...wait, different story. 

I believe that because of my past, the cat spirits are now trying to band together and extract their revenge.  The positive side of this for me is the fact that getting more than 1 cat to band together for a common goal is a little on the impossible side.  My only hope is that the Lions & Tigers don't get wind of my past.  Might make going to the zoo a bitch!

And the snakes.  I believe they keep showing up because they understand, on some deep interpersonal level, that I HATE THEM, and WANT THEM TO DIE!  I have discovered that the only thing worse than finding a live snake is finding a snake skin.  You know he's there.  You know he's watching you, just biding his time and waiting for his opportunity.  They know that, given the chance, I will become the snake-dancer.  I will wage all-out war against their legless society.  I will live out my motto of "the only good snake, is a dead snake".  I will weed-eat their asses, one snake at a time!

So there's something I need to say...Cat's, my apologies for my past behaviours.  Snakes, get your burial plots paid for today, cuz I'm coming for you!  And this time, I'm not playing nice!