You hear all the time now about the teachers that have a "relationship" with one of their students.  Have you looked at the teachers?  Holy crap!  Teachers didn't look anything like that when I was in school.  It would have been a sick, perverted, twisted kind of thing to even think about having "relations" with one of my teachers!  The mere thought of it now makes me want to go shave my tongue.  I mean honestly, Miss Gallant?  Eewwwwwwwwwww!!!!!

And have you taken a mere moment to look at some of the high school chica's today?  I'm pretty sure I can be arrested just for looking at them.  There is NO bashfullness in these girls.  They wear less to school than the girls back when used to wear to swim in! (not that it's an entirely bad thing!)  Good times. Good times.

Random thoughts...

Camo koozies...just basically speaking a bad idea.  If I want to drink my ice cold (preferably free) adult beverage, I don't want to have to wander around in the woods for 20 minutes trying to find it.

Ever wonder why hunters dress in all camo, camo paint their faces & put possum pee all over themselves to cover their scent, only to go climb up 10 feet in the air to a big green box where the deer can't see you anyway?  And exactly why do they call it "hunting" in the first place?  You fill a feeder with corn & set it to go off every morning.  The deer learn that there is a new buffet that's opened in their neighborhood & stop by to check it out.  Then one morning they stop off to get a bagel & coffee & BOOM, the big "hunter" has bagged him some game!  That's like holding a carrot out to a horse & hitting him in the head with a hammer when he comes to grab it! 

What I really love are all the "hunter's" who only shoot the animals for the mounts!  Whatever happened to the "I eat what I shoot" crowd?  I am a hunter, but I damn sure don't go kill something just so I can stick it up on my wall!  It's hard to make the argument that hunting is good for the environment, population control, etc. when you've got morons doing this!

Bacon, the Other, Other, Other White Meat

Technically, I guess the title is wrong, because if pork is the "other" white meat, I guess that would mean, by default, bacon is the "other" white meat.  What the hell, it's my blog, I'll call it what I want.

After months of exhaustive research, I have come to the conclusion that bacon is the perfect food.  There is nothing (deserts excluded) that you can't put bacon on it & make it better!  Cheeseburgers?  Check.  Tacos?  Check.  Pizza?  Check.  It goes on and on.  The only way I eat cabbage is if it's cooked in bacon.  Ditto brussel sprouts.  Scallops wrapped in bacon.  Chicken breasts stuffed with bacon.  Bacon sandwiches.   It's absolutely endless.  Sausage is definitely not the glamorous breakfast meat that bacon is. 

And on the subject of breakfast, I tried a bean and chorizo taco the other morning.  Not bad!  Would've been better with egg in it, but not bad none-the-less.

STAR Power

So I walk through the Living Room last night and the spousal unit is watching Dancing With The Stars.  My question is this:  Who decides what makes a "Star"?  I mean, I have some serious issues with calling some of these people stars!  There's the chick who's biggest claim to fame is that she got knocked up while her mom was running for VP.  There's the guy from an MTV reality show that knows how to show his abs, and that pretty much sums up his talents. Then there's Jennifer Grey, who was last relevant in what, 1985? 

I admit that I don't watch much TV, and the only time I've ever watched Dancing With The Stars was when, oh yeah, I've never watched it.  But honestly, is this the best you could do?  I've had issues with these kinds of things before.  Maybe they should call it "Dancing With Tabloid Fodder", or "Dancing With The Only Person Who Said Yes and Is Also On This List of 1400 People Who Have Actually Been On TV".  (That last one might be too long)  At least David Hasselhoff most people have heard of.(most german people anyhow).

It's kind of like buying a book and getting it signed by the "world famous" author, then learning that he's considered popular in the country of Latvia, just because his grandmothers-1/2 sisters-next door neighbors-1st grade schoolteachers-babysitter was originally from Latvia and the author actually knew where Latvia was during an interview.  Just calling him "world-famous" does not actually mean he's a; famous, or b; a world..  (and I don't have a clue where Latvia is)

I guess you can call yourself anything you want.  I'd like to be called "Supremely Talented Unique Dude Ladies, Yeah", or STUDLY if you choose.

Welcome to the Fabulous Moose-Nuckle Lounge

It's official.  After our unofficial vote last week, Moose-Nuckle Lounge is the official name of the bar.  I'm liking the idea of the name in neon lights with little white lights shining around it.  And Moosehead will be the official sponser.  And instead of serving Buffalo wings, we're going to serve Caribou lips.  And we're going to have lots and lots of attractive people milling about and smiling suggestively at the patrons.  And we're gonna have a cotton candy machine.  And we're gonna have snow cones in those little themed cups with the lids that don't really stay closed like at Disney on Ice.  And we're gonna have all you can eat popcorn.  And we're gonna have a stuffed moose you can sit on and get your picture made!  And we're gonna have popcicles in the mug freezer.  Wow!  It's gonna be neat!!!  (And we're gonna drink up all our profits!)

The official staff is as follows:

Kelly - Chief Dance Music Getterer-Togetherer and all around Bad-Ass Bouncer
Stephanie - Director of Drinkology and Blue-Gloved Glass Immerser
John -  The Guy Who's in Charge of The Bar Lights (I know this sounds like it's not a very important position, but to those who know the importance of bar lighting, need I say more?)

Come on down and see us at the MNL.

Research Studies

I heard an ad on my way to work this morning that gave me pause!  (that just sounds wierd.  "gave me pause"? Not really even sure what it means.)  What I heard was an ad asking for volunteers for a research study on birth control patches!  Now, as I think we have determined before this, I'm not a rocket scientist, but still...this has to be the WORST idea for a research study EVER!!!  What if it really doesn't work?  What if you happen to be part of the test group that gets fed the placebo?  Can't you just hear the conversation now:  "Mommy, how was I made?"  "Well Skippy, once upon a time, mommy had a really bad meth habit, and she needed some money for a fix.  I heard this commercial and it seemed like a REALLY easy way to make a quick buck..."

And while we're on the subject, (kinda) when your kid is playing youth sports, the coaches are, for the most part volunteers.  I always love it when on the first day of practice, the lady drops off little 4 year old Thomas (or Hector, or LaShawn, or Abdul, or Bai Ling) comes up to you, a total stranger and says "I need to go run an errand, I'll pick up Thomas (or Hector, or LaShawn, or Abdul, or Bai Ling) in an hour."  Then she proceeds to go get into the big Mercedes and drive off without even leaving the poor kid a drink.  Here's a newsflash.  I might be a raging pedophile posing as a coach.  I might be a mean s.o.b. that has absolutely no business being within 200 yards of a pit-bull, much less your kid.  I might just be a nice-normal guy who's trying to do something nice and doesn't really want the added responsibility of taking care of your kid. 

And it's always the kid who's dad has spent exactly 11 minutes of his life actually being a father.  You know the ones.  The kid doesn't know how to throw, or catch, or run.  And then it's always the dad who shows up game day and gets in your face because their kid didn't get as much playing time as the other kids, or didn't get to play infield, etc.  Stop spending all your time at the deer lease with your buddies.  Or the bar.  Or the office.  Get your ass up off the couch.  The Friends re-runs aren't really all that exciting.  Get your kid, go out into your yard, and throw the ball.  He might not be good at first.  I guarantee you he's not ever going to be good if you don't spend a little time hanging out with him.  Get your priorities straight.

The Healing Power of Love

Okay, I know it's a lame title, just had to do it!  Why do people always assume that just because you had a little surgery, you're now an invalid?  "Shouldn't you be in bed?" is my personal favorite, followed closely by "do you need to sit down?"  Obviously you don't know me, because if I needed to sit down, I would.  It amazes me that people think the only way you can heal is if you're flat on your back in bed.  I've been taking it easy, but after about 3 days of laying in bed, I was pretty much done with that whole idea!  I'm not big on sleep anyway, and staying still was driving me over the edge!  I know that everybody is different, but I'm a firm believer that your mind can overcome anything, and if you give in to illness, you've thrown in the towel.  Fight through it all you can, and you won't feel nearly as miserable! 

ATTITUDE IS CONTAGIOUS!!!

On a different note, where do you think they find the people who stand on street corners and act like human billboards?  Very effective!  I know that if I'm driving by and I see somebody shaking a big-ass arrow pointing to a neighborhood of brand new houses that all look alike, the arrow is much more likely to push me over the edge and convince me to buy!  Same holds true for the guy dressed up like the Statue of Liberty.  Even if I WAS looking for somebody to do my taxes, do you really think I'm going to trust some guy wearing a dress and holding a fake torch?  If only the fire was real.......

Question of the day...if you could be anything in the world, what would you be? 

I'm still not sure what I want to be when I grow up.  I'm going back and forth between a nuclear physicist or a day laborer.  Can't decide.

Sometimes, late at night, when my mind goes blank

Been a While...

Just got on here for the first time in a long time.  I had the opportunity to lounge around and not do a damn thing for the past week and a half, so I did it with gusto! 

What I did learn during this time is that any time a doctor with a really sharp knife comes to see you the outcome is almost always gonna be pain. 

Seems like I had what the professionals like to call a "bowel obstruction".  Most people I've talked to have just told me this proves I'm full of crap!  A word to the wise, if you're wanting to have a little surgery, maybe get yourself a nice little scar to impress the ladies, stick with something like a torn ACL or maybe even a torn rotator cuff.  You have no idea what a pain in the ass it is to have a 6" cut in your belly!  Put the physical pain aside.  I'm not a real wispy little fellow, and when I don't get to eat or drink anything (and we're talking water, don't even get me started about beer) for 30 hours, I get a little cranky!  I work hard to maintain my girlish figure, and losing 10 pounds in a week is going to be tough to recover from.  Might take me up to 3 weeks to put that back on!  When I finally got to have a cup of chicken broth, man you would of thought I was at Ruth's Chris eating a rib-eye!

Funny how when you're in the hospital, every time somebody comes through the door, just before they leave, they all say "try to get some rest".  How about stay the hell out of the room for more than 45 minutes and maybe I CAN get some damn rest!  Jeesh. Seriously.  How many times a day do you really need my temperature and blood pressure?  And perhaps this would be a good time to talk to all the nursing professionals and medical techs who work nights in a hospital.  When you come in, learn to maybe use a little flashlight, or maybe even plug-in a night-lite that you can turn on.  Nothing says "get some rest" better than 9 million lumens of flourescent light in your eyes!

All in all, I couldn't have asked for better care!  Better-looking care maybe....but then I probably wouldn't have wanted to leave!

I don't understand something.  What exactly is "extra virgin olive oil"?  Is there such a thing as "extra holy holy water"? (For when you've REALLY screwed up)  Does virgin wool come from ugly sheep?  Why can't we just call stuff what it is?  How about "faux" paint?  Or "faux" rock?  Is it socially unacceptable to call it fake?  How about this conversation..."Hey Larry, I got me a faux turkey that we can set up out in front of our blind when we go huntin.  It's one of the best faux turkey's you ever did see."

I tell the spousal unit the other day that Hawaii had beat Texas in the Little League World Series (who'd a thunk it) and that now the Texas team would have to play Tai Pae.  Her response..."isn't that a Chinese restaurant"?

Rabbi

A rabbi, a builder and a bartender walk into a restaurant....(insert joke here)  So I Have a friend that isn't very technically "savvy", who tried to follow my blog, but now knows more about bar-mitzvahs and yarmulkas than anyone I know.  All because the wrong button was hit.  Seems she was going to follow me, but instead ended up following a Rabbi's.  I think that's funny!  I'm flattered she would even try!

Did anybody's parents ever tell them about getting gray hair in strange places?  Seems obvious that if it's hair, sooner or later it's gonna turn gray, but I wasn't ready for this!  Not that that's happening to me, mind you!  Oh no.  Not me!  But it seems a "friend" that I know has started finding a few gray stragglers in the junkpile.  Not a nice topic I know, but I want everyone to be prepared!

Remember, if you're not using olive juice in your margarita's, you aint living!

Randomness

For a change today, I thought I'd write about something totally random.  As I'm driving to my house last night, I see a smallish 6-point buck on the side of the road (there are LOTS of deer in my neighborhood) staring across the road somewhat aggressively.  I glance to see what he's staring at and there is a rather large 10 point on the other side of the road minding his own business.  It occured to me that obviously, (duh) deer don't have mirrors to look into.  If they did, the 6 point probably would be a little more introspective and not quite as aggressive looking.  Had he glanced at his own image first, he would have quickly realized that any confrontation was going to end in disaster for him.  Kinda like the card game when you hold the card to your head, so you don't know what your card is, but you see everybody else's.  Invariably it's the guy with the duece of clubs on his head that bets it all!

While we're discussing animals with antlers, I had a very in depth discussion the other day about what the plural of moose is.  Any guesses?  It's not meece.  It's not mooses.  It's moose.  Didn't make any sense to me either.

For all of those keeping score at home, Moose-Nuckle Lounge now leads 2 - 1.

So I'm sitting in my nice comfy climate-controlled office with the door closed, trying to do payroll so people can actually go out and buy their twinkies and Lone Star, when what to my wandering eyes do appear?  Somebody sticking their head in my office asking "you busy?"  No dumb-ass, I was just sitting here reflecting on the quality of the bread I used on my sandwich today!  Of course I'm busy.  That's why I've got the door closed!  See, we've got what's called an "open-door" policy here at work.  By "open-door", I'm assuming people think that if it's closed, it's okay to open it!  I am forever amazed at the stupidity!

For something new and different, I'm starting a poll.  I think a great name for a bar would be the "Moose-Nut Lounge", but I'm currently tied in the popularity contest to "Moose-Nuckle Lounge".  The count is 1 to 1, but the only partner that really matters is the one that can mix drinks, and she hasn't voted yet!  So if you happen to read this, you need to cast your vote!  If not, we might have to come see you to get a personal vote!  Actually, I heard a great new joke today that I have to come share.

Does anybody else out there think it's ironic that the popular band in the early 80's was called "Katrina and the Waves", and the name of the hurricane that hit New Orleans was Katrina?(and there were really big waves?)  Spooky, huh!

I just read something disturbing.  Seems that only 68% of the population thinks we should fly the United States flag at school.  Don't want to offend the Hispanic population!  Got news for you.  If you're not an American, you don't get any say so.  Period.  There was a big to-do last year about kids wearing American flag t-shirts to school on Mexican independence day.  Mexican-frickin-independence day.  Why should my kid have to worry about wearing a flag on his shirt any day of the year?  Next up, the Kenyan independence day.  Then Ugandan.  Then Chilean.  Then Jamaican.  You get the point.  If the mexican's in this country are so upset that we don't fly their flag, I'll load them up and take them to the border so they can fly it themselves!

What I REALLY love is when they show a bunch of them protesting on a corner somewhere.  If this is such a crappy place to be, why are you here?  Go back to that 3rd world hell-hole you came from.  Life is obviously so much better there!  I mean, wow!  You can get all the cardboard you need for the walls of your house for free behind the grocery store!  And while you're there, see if you can find a 1/2 used roll of tar-paper so you can put on a new roof.  I've been to the Colonias on the border, and it's appalling!  So don't go telling me and everybody else how bad it is here!  You come to MY country.  You get FREE healthcare.  You get FREE education.  You don't pay ANY taxes.  And yet you have the right to bitch & moan about it, because we stand behind our constitution (some of the time) and we really believe in the whole "freedom of speech" concept.

If you're in this country illegally, leave.  If you want to stay, get legal.  I know that's a difficult concept to grasp, but you're just gonna have to try.  America was and still is the "great melting pot".  The difference is, 100 years ago, when people got off the boat, they learned the language, the constitution, and became naturalized citizens.  Now, the get off the boat, hire a lawyer, and sue the poor s.o.b. that brought them over because they didn't get croutons with their salad on the ride!  Pay your fair share of taxes or get OUT!

Smarts

I used to think I was a pretty bright guy.  But last night, I discovered that I'm not nearly as bright as I thought I was.  I'm standing in my kitchen when I look over and what do I see?  There's a T-Rex on my island!  No, not a real T-Rex, my kitchen's not that big.  There's a green rubber band in the shape of a T-Rex.  Then I look further and find a yellow poodle, a red crab, a blue german shepard, a green trumpet, an orange what I think is a cat? and a whole bunch more of these things.  Every time I walk in a store and I have a certain child with me I get hit up to buy some of these things.  I'm generally pretty good with the "no" word, but the spousal unit is a little more free with the pocketbook.  Every where you look are kids wearing these things up to their elbows! 

What does all this have to do with my brain-power?  What I discovered last night was that whoever came up with this idea of the rubber bands in shapes is, indeed, the smartest person in the world.  I've been saying for years I want to find something that I can sell to a million people for a dollar, vs. selling something for a million bucks once.  I figure it's easier to get a buck than a million.  Whoever came up with the bands figured this out!  Brilliant!

You can't fix stupid!

It has been said numerous times and in a variety of ways, but you really CAN'T fix stupid.  We can teach people any multitude of things, but if they just don't have it going on, there's really no reason to waste your time.  I think the most appropriate thing to say in a situation like we are currently in is "stupid people suck"!  That pretty much sums it up.

And exactly how many ways are there to say someones, well, stupid?  The elevator doesn't go all the way to the top.  One enchilada short of a combo meal.  One fry short of a happy meal. Lights are on, but no one's home.  Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.  Not the sharpest tool in the shed.  Not the brightest bulb in the box.  Not the brightest bulb on the string.  Not the shiniest piece of foil.  Not the brightest crayon in the box.  Not the brightest Congressman around.  (I just made that last one up, and although there is probably a lot of truth in it, it's really kinda silly.  I mean, we're talking Congressman.  Is there a bright one?) 

And as we sit here and talk about stupid, let me simply throw in the fact that I think it's STOOPID that we as a country have become so politically correct that our elected representatives can't even stand up for what's right without the fear of offending someone.  If you're reading this now and I've somehow offended you, good.  I don't give a damn about your feelings.  Last time I checked I still live in the greatest country on earth!!!  If you don't like it here, and you want to protest, get your ass over to Afghanistan and protest to the Marines and Army troops over there.  They'd probably like to use your ass as an IED detector.  I'm so tired of reading how the ACLU and LULAC, and NAACP are suiing people over the fact that they've been offended.  You wanna be offended?  I'm gonna start a group known as NAAWP.  Then I'm gonna sue every last one of the other groups that sue this country for discrimination! 

True story.  I was up for a raise one time, years ago.  I didn't get it.  13 hispanics and 1 black got raises.  One white guy didn't get jack.  I was told this point-blank by my boss's boss.  He even offered to be a witness if I wanted to sue.  Guess what I did?  NOTHING.  I went to work the next morning and the morning after that and worked my ass off to prove that I deserved the raise.  I got it.  My point is that by whining and crying all the time over unfair treatment, we have created a society of whiny-ass cry-baby's.  Nobody is willing to work harder than the next guy to get ahead.  They just want someone to come lay crap at their feet and treat them like a damn Princess.  Then when they don't get it, WHAAAAAA!!!!!

I heard somewhere that America has somewhere around 4% of the world's population, but over 50% of the worlds population of lawyers.  Hmmmmm.  I see a pattern.

Why is that people have to take classes and a test to get a drivers license, but all they gotta do is be willing to spread-em to have a baby?  I mean seriously, come up with some kind of performance standards before people can qualify to be parents!

And another thing, "one size fits all" doesn't mean you, lard ass.  Did they not put mirrors in your house?  Close the pie-hole!  You're scaring the little kids.  And I'm talking about the guy on the exercise bike in front of me this morning.  You know the type.  Wearing the cute little bike shorts, and squeezing his 340 pounds into one of the really cool, colorful bike shirts.  Comes in & takes all the crap out of his big "workout" bag, including:  weight belt, water bottle, rolls of ankle/wrist wrap, towel and gloves.  Spreads the afore-mentioned items all around his bike, puts ON the gloves(? wth, really?!?!?) and proceeds to "swallow" the bike seat with his rather large posterior.  Once he has successfully mounted up, he then proceeds at the blistering pace of between 30 and 40 rpm's, for exactly 5 minutes,18 seconds.(yes I was looking).  Then I went and shaved my tongue.

Here's to Stephanie

This is a shout out to my favorite bartender.  Two of the best jokes ever I heard today from her.  One doesn't make sense in print, the other, I don't think I CAN print!  Nice job!

So I go see a couple of people I haven't seen in a very long time.  It's just not right for them to look so good and for me to look like, well, a pudgy, bald, middle-aged-white guy!  I mean I'm not hideous or anything, but dang!  Them gals was hot!

The Lady in the Lexus

This one goes out to the lady (insert innapropriate comment here) in the Lexus who somehow managed to find the time to give me a big-old 1 finger wave as she simultaneously talked on her cell-phone, drank a soda, and ignored the yield sign all at the same time.  Listen BIOTCH, if you weren't so damn distracted with all the other crap you were doing in your car, maybe, just maybe you; a) wouldn't have been going about 80 on the access road, and b) would have noticed the big red and white YIELD sign staring you in the face, not to mention the 7000 pound white pickup!  And then it's my fault?????  WTH?  To all of you out there...HANG UP AND DRIVE!!!  Nothing, and I mean nothing pisses me off more than somebody talking on their cell-phone while trying to park or back out of a parking spot.  You're really not that important!  Get over yourself and hang up.

Stupidity

Why does my government, both local and national feel the need to protect me?  I'm a pretty big ole boy.  I think I can take care of myself.  Just found out that in our local municipality you have to install a special valve at the master tub so that I don't scald myself.  $250.  Frickin people aren't smart enough to stick their finger in the water and go, "holy crap, that's hot.  I think I need to turn on the cold side".  So instead, we have to make everybody that wants to build or buy a house spend an extra $250 cuz some stupid s.o.b. probably sued the city because he burned his wittle finger.  Dumb-ass.

Here we go

Well I finally decided to do something other than whine about what great shape our (pick one) economy, government, social fabric of society, moral values, quality of sports teams, or other, was in, so I came to the conclusion that I need to do what about 9 billion other people are doing...blog!  That's right ladies and germs, I too am now a blogger.  First off, I'm not even sure I know what a blog is.  Is it a burned log?   A black frog?  Whatever it is, I'm now doing it, and it feels soooo right!  Remember the feeling at Christmas, right after you learned the truth about Santa?  You know, how when you tried to make believe that you still remembered so you'd get a bunch of crap?  That's kinda what this feels like.  Like I'm sitting here typing random stuff to myself just to say that I'm blogging.

And not to start this off on the wrong foot or anything, but don't vote for any incumbents in November.  Both parties have screwed the pooch on this deal for a really ling time.  Vote for people named Timmy, or Jimbo, or Scotty.  Heck, I'd even vote for a Scooter or a Sparky before I voted for an incumbent.  None of our politicians are in it for us anymore.  Wow.  I feel better already.

And while we're on the subject, THANK YOU BP for finally putting an end to the mess in the Gulf.  I mean, we really appreciate you donating about 5 MILLION gallons of oil to the gulf coast, but couldn't you have put it in barrels first?  Although that would really just be a waste of some perfectly good barrels that could hold more wine.

Oh well.  Good night kids.  Hang in there Minnesota, winters just a couple months away.