Happy Memorial Day

I'm not sure why everybody always says "Happy Memorial Day".  I always thought it was a time of somber reflection and remembrance.  But hey, in today's society, any reason for a day off & a barbeque is something to be happy about.  Course, another reason to be happy is because a whole lot of folks over a whole lot of years have fought & died to keep this country great.  I'm pretty sure that everyone, at one time or another, has met or knows somebody that has served in a combat role in this country.  The majority of those that you know, have known the men and women whose names are carved on all the memorials around this country.

Names.  Lots and lots of names.  Names of men, women, boys, uncles, fathers, friends, cousins.  People who had dreams and aspirations.  People that voluntarily or involuntarily, fought and died for the freedoms that we enjoy today.  When I hear somebody disparaging the military heroes, or this country, my gut tells me that I need to go "straighten" their way of thinking out.  But I also know that we live in the greatest country, in the greatest society on earth.  It's because of all those heroes that the uneducated, narrow-minded losers can say whatever they want to say.  It's also because of all those heroes that I can refer to them as uneducated, narrow-minded losers!

I've known several veterans in my lifetime, and I consider them all heroes.  Whether they went to war or not, they were willing.  I've never had the courage or will to do what each and every one of these people have done, and are currently doing.  I grew up with a hero.  And although, growing up under his tutelage, I never appreciated the fact that he was, indeed a hero, I made a point of calling him one, late one night, in the latter stages of his life.  His reaction to me was "don't call me a hero.  I'm no hero.  When mortars started falling around me, or we came under enemy fire, I could dig a three foot foxhole through solid asphalt with my bare hands.  The people that died over there.  The people that didn't get to come home.  Those guys were the heros."  This guy had ribbons from three combat campaigns, and he wasn't a hero?

He didn't die in combat.  In fact, the only injury he sustained was when a small piece of white-phosphorous burned it's way through the webbing of his hand.  He showed me the scar once.  He carried a small New Testament Bible in his shirt pocket.  It deflected a bullet meant for his heart.  We've still got the Bible, which still carries the scar from the bullet.  He fought in one of the bloodiest, deadliest campaigns in Marine Corps history, and lived to tell about it.  Only, he never really talked about it.  That's the way he was.  Just do the job & on to the next one.  I was always afraid to ask too many questions growing up.  I wish I had asked more.

Although he didn't die in combat, a small piece of him did.  Even as an old man, when I'd ask the questions, his eyes would drift back & you could tell he was there.  You could tell it hurt him to talk about it.  To remember.  Remember not only the war and the fighting, and the incessant cold, and the miserable conditions.  But remember the faces too.  The faces of friends.  Friends who were hurt, or killed.  Friends who never got to come back & marry the love of their life.  Or father 6 thankful kids.

On this memorial day, I want to say thank you to all of the hero's, down through the history pages of the United States.  Thank you to every one of them that put on a uniform, only to have to pay the ultimate sacrifice.  Without every one of them, this country could not, would not, be the nation it is today.  I also want to thank all the veterans that I'm close to personally.  All of you have had a significant impact on my life, one way or the other!  I also want to thank everybody else that has ever worn the uniform.  You were all willing.

And I want to thank my Dad.  He sacrificed so that I never had to.

Happy Memorial Day indeed!!!

Our work phones got cut off a couple of days ago.  Along with our internet.  It was either from non-payment or not.  Can't really figure out which.  Seems that AT&T may be a little confused on this issue.  At different times yesterday, I was told that a)I wasn't an AT&T customer, b)I wasn't authorized to discuss billing matters, c) I was part of a migration to a new system, and d) that I was obviously upset.  Ya think?  I can't do business because you Bozo's can't figure this out & you seem surprised that I'm upset?

We were hounded by a salesperson for close to a year before I would even talk to him.  Typical politician BS about how we were going to save money, get better service, bring Abraham Lincoln back to life, and possibly help set up a sanctuary for Unicorns.  I bought it.  Hook, line & sinker.  What a sucker I am!  It's been problem after problem ever since.  It finally all culminated in us losing service on Tuesday.  And for what did we lose service?  We didn't pay a bill, on an account we didn't have, on a phone number that we cancelled 6 months ago!

We've been trying to get this all resolved for well over 5 months.  Called the customer service number countless times.  Every sweet little customer service rep told us the same thing too.  "I'll get to the bottom of this" in a big, booming, authoritative voice.  Then they wouldn't call us back.  Finally, last week, when yet another person called us to discus our account with us, they were told, in not a totally kind fashion, that we just didn't give a crap anymore.  If they wanted to disconnect our phones, so be it.  But until we got somebody to call us back that could actually carry on a conversation intelligently, they could kiss my white ass.  On hindsight, probably not the best reaction.

We asked repeatedly, not just yesterday, but for the last few months, to be sent a detailed statement of our account.  Did you know that AT&T, apparently, has no way of printing out a detailed statement for you?  The closest we got was the guy that was going to print out the last bill (not detailed) and fax it to us.  FAX IT TO US!  I was really waiting for him to try, but somebody told him in the meantime that our phone lines weren't currently working.  Pisser.

What I really found fascinating was when the AT&T representative told me she wasn't authorized to discuss our account with us.  Isn't that her job?  We offered, on more than one occasion, to pay the bill just to get the phones back up.  Unfortunately, none of the first 15 people or so we talked to were able to give us an amount to pay.  We knew we had started making progress though, when we were transferred to a lady that only dealt with customers in California and Nevada.(I've been to both places, does that count?)  She was nice enough to transfer us to a lady, who after we told her our story and looked up our account, told me that we weren't AT&T customers, but we were AT&T Legacy customers.  She couldn't help us, but bless her heart, she transferred us to another lady who told us she only handled small business accounts and couldn't help us.(have I mentioned there are currently 7 of us employed here? That's not small?)  This kind lady in turn transferred us to large business accounts, who gave us a phone number to call.  Turned out, it was the number on the AT&T bill that we had already called about a hundred times!

We finally, and I say finally, were able to be connected to someone, who, though she wasn't sure exactly how much we owed, accepted a payment from us & got the phones working again!  I was able to relay my story to some type of manager for AT&T, through my lovely spousal unit.  This young lady was nice enough to call me, not once, but twice to get some facts.  She sent it up to the big-leagues.  I got a message this morning from someone in the Executive team, telling me she had assigned it to a team that would get it all resolved for me, and I would hear from them soon.  All I've heard so far is crickets.  Guess we'll wait and see what "soon" means.

The really funny part of this is that the 17 year old is practically begging me to change cell-phone service from Sprint to AT&T.  Hahahahahahahahaha!

"TRAVELING POET. JUST NEED ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY PENCILS"

Why do people have no pride anymore?  Why, every time I have to stop at an intersection on a busy street, do I feel the need to carry on an entirely made up phone conversation with an entirely made up person?  I do this, of course to avoid the look.  You know the look.  The sad puppy dog eyes.  Or the slightly crazy twitch of the mouth.  The same old clothes you've seen him in for the last 4 days.  The unkempt hair.  And the sign.  Always the sign. 

"Hungry.  Homeless.  Need a hand."  Almost always followed by a scripture reference, or, at the least, a "God Bless".  Sometimes the signs are just a simple plea.  "Any Help Appreciated."  Sometimes they just reference a destination.  "El Paso".(why would anybody willingly ask for a ride to El Paso?)  Sometimes they tell a story to try to pull on the old heart-strings.  "Traveling missionary temporarily stuck in this wonderous city of yours.  Only need enough money to get back to the orphanage in New Guinea.  God will grant you extreme favor for any bit of generosity."(big piece of cardboard!)  My personal favorite was "Why Lie?  I need a beer!"  I gave him a buck.  I figured, WTH, I've been in that situation myself.(more than once)  Or the time in Vegas, when there was a guy on the sidewalk with a sign saying "Pictures.  $1".  The amazing thing about that one was the line of chicks sitting down to take a picture with the old dude.(might need to try that myself)

How many of these people are actually homeless?  I don't guess they particularly need to be homeless, but why don't they get a job?  I'm pretty sure it's because the begging thing pays better.  Think about it.  When you're sitting at a red-light (on an imaginary phone call) watch the cars in front of you.  Almost every time, at least one person will give them a buck.  The average wait at a traffic light is probably about a minute, so assuming he gets a dollar every light change, that's $1 every 4 minutes.  That's pretty good wages.  There's probably a lot of people who would like to make $15 per hour.  Tax free.

Once upon a time, a couple of years ago, I went into a combination convenience store and fast food restaurant to get myself a healthy dose of cholesterol.  As I'm walking up to the restaurant, I see a big truck parked outside.  When I go in, I notice a man sitting at a booth with his I-phone plugged into the wall.  I naturally assume it's the truck driver charging his phone.  After I get my burger with 2 all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun, I'm walking back out & say to myself, "self" I say, "that dudes not a truck driver.  He's the guy that's been begging on the corner for money the last few weeks".  What the Crap?  The dude that's begging me for money has a better phone than I do!(not surprising to many of you I know)  An I-frickin phone!(I don't know where the truck driver was)

There was a time when pride came into the equation.  As in, "I've got too much pride to go stand on the street corner and beg for money.  I'll get a job flippin burgers first".  I don't know about you, but I'd STILL rather flip burgers than go stand on a street corner and beg for money.  And if, by chance, I ever see you standing on a street corner begging for money, don't come to my window.  I'm on the phone.

The Rapture...Didn't Happen.

I have a little problem.  I'm still here.  That means one of two things.  Either the Rapture didn't happen as predicted, or I'm a poor excuse for a Christian.  I'm putting my money on "didn't happen", based entirely on the fact that my mom and 9 year old are still here.  I could completely understand if it happened & I was still around.    I mean, I try to lead a good life, but, well, it's me.  My spousal unit and 17 year old are still around too.  No big surprises there!(just kidding of course)

I mean seriously, why wouldn't the 9 year old get to go?  And my mom?  I said "hell" once in her presence and you'd have thought that Grandpa caught a squirrel in the toilet.  Never knew I was such a bad person until that moment.  In all fairness, that was a long time ago, and she's been around me a lot more since I got released...but that's a whole different story.  This is a really good woman we're talking about.  How come she didn't get to go?  I mean, that's just not right.  Wait.  Maybe it didn't happen after all?

And I thought kids got to go, period.  I know he's no angel, but really, he's just a 9 year old.  I can't have screwed him up that bad already.  Right?  Right?  Right?  Who am I kidding.  I am perfectly capable of screwing him up that bad.

Maybe this whole prediction wasn't really about the actual Rapture at all.  Maybe it was all about a revival of the old Blondie song.  Maybe this was some sort of strange alien message about how 70's & 80's music is the  universal language.  Who knows, maybe if we start playing Journey music backwards, we'll be visited by aliens from Neptune.  Sidenote...why is it always Martians when where talking about aliens?  don't ya think they might live on other planets too?

My personal feeling is that this whole thing was started by a bunch of wacko's sitting around drinking bong water one night with a Bible laying on a shelf in the room.  Before you know it, Jethro looks at the clock & it's 5:21.  On the 11th.  And he freaks.  OMG.  It's a sign!

Dang Skippy it's a sign.  It's a sign of what a dumb-ass you are.  And you went and had those big-ass magnets made for the side of your car.  And went on talk shows.  And now everybody in the free world knows what a dumb-ass you are.

So now, here's my prediction for when it's going to happen.   Whenever HE want's it to happen.  So shut up and go to bed.

Hair Today, Different Places Tomorrow!

Did any of you guy's dad's ever warn you about hair issues as you grew older?  Mine didn't.  I'm not talking about ordinary run of the mill hair issues here.  I'm talking about the strange stuff that apparently happens only with age.  Lately I've noticed that my hair seems to be thinning on top.  I wasn't too concerned about it at first, figured, oh well, I've got plenty where that came from.  But now, I'm not so sure.  If it keeps falling out the way it has been the last few weeks, it's not gonna take long before the mullet has to be put away forever.  I know that I've got a ways to go yet, but there's a chance I might have to start cutting my hair shorter at some point.  Get rid of the wings altogether.

My dad had hair issues.  As in, he was pretty thin on top.  My oldest brother has hair issues.  I'm not really sure if my middle brother has hair issues or not.  He still has some, so I guess that's a not.  Me myself, I happen to have a few hair issues also.  Like, I DON'T HAVE ANY.  When you're the youngest in the family, I don't think it's really fair to be the baldest.  Several years ago, I took pictures of the top of all of the males in the family's head.  Dad, significantly older than I.  Brother 1, quite a bit older than I.  Brother 2, still, quite a bit older than I.  And me, young, skinny, healthy, did I say young?  Who had the least hair?  You got it.  It's just not right!  I'd like to make a formal complaint.

Now there are other hair issues I need to be concerned with.  Hair is coming out in some of the strangest places, and in some weird ways.  Their are hairs long enough on my eyebrows now to braid.  Thinking about going with dreadlocks on my brows.  It's pretty bad when the 9 year old says, "Dad, what's wrong with your eye?".  I mean, I'm not Andy Rooney yet, but I think I just ordered the starter kit.

And the ears!  What is up with the hair growing out of the ears?  I mean, seriously.  And it's never cute little blond hairs either.  It's always got to be the big ole black, nasty looking things.  Why do I need hair on my ears?  I mean, I appreciate the gesture of giving me some hair somewhere, but my ears?  Maybe I can let them grow long and part them in the middle.  Get me a blow dryer again.  Buy lots of gel and maybe give myself some ear-mohawks.

My back, you ask?  Yep.  It's got a couple of nice fuzzy patches growing.  The problem with that is that I can't enjoy looking at it cuz it's on my back!  Maybe at some point it'll get long enough so I can cut it off & glue it to my head.  Make myself a wig.  Put those people at Lock's of Love to shame!

But on the flip-side of this, the one area where it's socially acceptable for a man to have a lot of hair is his legs.  This has always been an issue for me, but seems to have gotten worse lately.  I have the least hairy legs of any white man I've ever known.  The 9 year old asked me if I shave them.(not all the time, only when I want to really rock that little black dress)  You have to hunt for a hair on my legs.

So what does all this tell us?  Not a damn thing.  Other than the fact that you may want to give your offspring just a little warning!  "Boy, you just remember.  Once upon a time I had hair on my head too.  And not on my back.  Or ears.  Or nose."  Now excuse me while I go trim my belly hairs.

Who let me drink this early in the day?

Funny thing happened on the way to work today.  I filled up with gas.  What makes it funny was I only had to sell 8 bags of weed & a bottle of 22 Oxy-contin's to come up with the cash for the gas.  It seems really funny that the $85 of gas that I put in today might, and I say might, last til the weekend.  Even funnier is how the big 5 oil companies managed to squeek out profits of around $36billion in the first quarter.  Now I know that $36billion doesn't seem all that big to some of you out there, but that's a crapload of money to me.  I could afford to buy a matching set of Spongebob pajamas and bedsheets with that.  Maybe even have a little left over to go to happy hour at Sonic.

Is it just me or does it seem like gas went from about a buck a gallon a few years ago, to just under the spot where you have to sell plasma to afford it currently?  What it has done is make me aware of some of my habits.  Just yesterday, I actually walked down my driveway to my mailbox instead of driving!  And I've stopped mowing my yard.  Not gonna blow the 38 cents it takes to fill up the mower. 

What this has really helped me to discover is that not only with gasoline, but with all natural resources, we should concentrate on conserving.  Like water.  Don't waste it.  If you feel like you must drink it, drink it with scotch.  Or in beer.  Don't use it to brush your teeth either.  Use milk.  That way you can get your teeth clean & get your daily recommended dose of dairy at the same time.  Which brings up another natural resource we should be intent on conserving.  Time.  Don't just stand around wasting time.  I've found it's much more relaxing to maybe lie on the couch in a pair of ratty gym shorts with your hand in the waist-band, than just standing around.  Or play a few video games. 

The fact is, like with most things, all of our natural resources are dwindling.  And Lord knows we don't need any more dwindling around here.  As a side note, dwindling is an unusual word.  Looks like maybe a conjunction of Dwarf and Whittling.  But that's just plain mean.  Why would anybody want to whittle a dwarf?  Or dwarf a whittle for that matter.  Maybe its Dwarf and Kindling.  Like little bitty pieces of little pieces of wood.  But I digress.  Our natural resources are dwindling running out.  It's time we got serious about this conservation thing. 

So start today.  Don't mow your yard.  Put foil in your windows so your house isn't so hot.  Use real wood for your barbeque instead of charcoal.  Instead of throwing those old tires in a landfill, burn them in your backyard.  Lay on your fat butt on tthe couch and only watch 1 channel on tv instead of 3.  Don't brush your teeth.  Don't take a shower.  And the biggest of all, let's get rid of all the politicians so we aren't wasting air!

My Confession

Things are getting strange.  Everywhere I go I can feel it.  Cats are stalking me.  Snakes are eye-ballin me.  I saw a cat this morning crawl out from a pallet on the back of a trailer.  I saw a kitten laying dead on the side of the road.  I heard a meow.  What's it all mean?(other than the fact that obiously we aren't living in Viet-Nam)

My mother tells me she has a cat.  I've only seen it once.  Supposedly it's black & really cute.  Apparently it's not real fond of people, or at the least, it's not real fond of me (stand in line, cat).  Seems like I have some sort of superhuman cat-avoidance technology that's built into my dna.  It's not that I don't like cats, they just never give me enough time to really warm up to them.  Dogs are different.  They won't leave me the hell alone!  But cats, well, that's a different story.  A story that begins a long, long time ago...

When I was but a wee lad, we lived in a rambling (or ram-shackle, you decide) old ranch house, out, not directly in the middle, but close, to nothing (if you went through nothing and turned left, that's us).  On the porch of said ranch-house, at any given time, were approximately 427 cats of various shapes, sizes and colors.  Seems like we started with 2 cats to keep mice & snakes away, and apparently they never got the memo about over-crowding, and kept right-on having un-protected sex.  Sinful really. 

After a couple of years of this feline promiscuity, we had more cats than you could shake a snake at.  Unfortunately, being the only male offspring in the house at the time, the role of feline enforcer fell to me.  A bounty was placed on their heads, and sonny-boy needed him some dancin shoes, so cat bounty hunter I became.  And I was good.  Real good.  It started out innocently enough, but before long, I couldn't even go to school without my morning fix.  All I ever thought about was where they could be hiding.  Who were they with?  What crazy psychedelic cat-nip den were they holed up in?

I learned what colors they were wearing.  What they liked to drink.  Who their friends were.  Where they liked to spend their free-time.  I was in so deep, I was becoming one of them.  Time didn't matter.  Day blended with night.  Cat's blended with rabbits.  Chickens blended with horses.  And snakes blended with, well, snakes didn't blend with anything, they just crawled around disgusting me.

I wore cat tags around my neck.  I applied cat-camo and lived in the wild with them.  I collected cat ears and sewed them onto my cap.  Cats feared me. 

Then, just as suddenly as it started, the cat population was under control, and there was no need of a feline exterminator.  It left an emptiness inside of me.  I struggled for years for a sense of belonging.  Everywhere I went, I felt their eyes on me.  I couldn't sleep at night hearing the cries of the wounded.  The smell of the napalm hanging over the jungle...wait, different story. 

I believe that because of my past, the cat spirits are now trying to band together and extract their revenge.  The positive side of this for me is the fact that getting more than 1 cat to band together for a common goal is a little on the impossible side.  My only hope is that the Lions & Tigers don't get wind of my past.  Might make going to the zoo a bitch!

And the snakes.  I believe they keep showing up because they understand, on some deep interpersonal level, that I HATE THEM, and WANT THEM TO DIE!  I have discovered that the only thing worse than finding a live snake is finding a snake skin.  You know he's there.  You know he's watching you, just biding his time and waiting for his opportunity.  They know that, given the chance, I will become the snake-dancer.  I will wage all-out war against their legless society.  I will live out my motto of "the only good snake, is a dead snake".  I will weed-eat their asses, one snake at a time!

So there's something I need to say...Cat's, my apologies for my past behaviours.  Snakes, get your burial plots paid for today, cuz I'm coming for you!  And this time, I'm not playing nice!

RATTLER CATS

I'm not really a very superstitious person.  When I had someone tell me this morning that it was Friday the 13th, I just kind of laughed.  Then, when I walked into a lady's house to look at some issues, I see she has a dead cat stuffed & laying on the coffee table.  We've all seen the cute little stuffed animals that are made to look like a real cat or dog.  So real looking they can almost fool you.  Key word here is almost.  This was an actual cat.  Like in, "here kitty, kitty".  Lady had taken Fluffy down to Big-Earl the Taxidermist and had her stuffed.  That's just weird.  Guess it cuts down the cost of cat food & litter.  And you never have to worry about those annoying hair-balls under your bed.

Years ago, I took part in a "Christmas in April" event, where a bunch of local contractors donate 1 Saturday, and you fix up some needy persons house.  We re-did the kitchen of this little old lady's house.  When we pulled out the cabinets, there was a mummified cat under them.  All the hair still attached.  Pretty skinny too.  We took it out & stood it next to a tree just in case the old lady had been missing it.  Now don't you think it was stinking at some point?  She probably just kept thinking "darn that cat dragging mouses in here".  At least this one was (apparently) on accident.  WHO STUFFS THEIR DAMN CAT? (Yes, Nigel, I bagged this one after a 9 day stalk through the thickets of the parking garage)

So after the whole cat incident, I go out to this barn to retrieve a couple of things.  I walk to the back corner, pick up a piece of foam, and right there, staring back at me is a snake!  What kind of snake, you ask?  I DON'T CARE!!!  It's a snake.  It went slithering back into a box, and I went slithering the other way (actually, prancing and screaming like a little girl) as fast as I could.  I don't like snakes.  Actually, it's not that I don't like them, it's that they scare the living crap out of me!  Anything that moves like that with no legs just ain't no good!  Look what happened to Adam!

So I realize that I can't just leave this snake in the box there for some other unsuspecting snake hater to find.  I knew I had to put on my big-boy panties and deal with it. (plus, my other ones had just been soiled)  So I find a 4" wide, 4' long floor scraper standing nearby, as well as a hockey stick (don't ask).  As I'm moving stuff around in the box, trying to get a good look at it to see what kind it was, it hisses at me!  It hisses at me!  Now I don't know about you, but when a snake hisses at me, I'm taking that as a sign that it's time for said snake to die!

So after a few minutes of moving stuff around and listening to this snake get madder & madder, I struck!  And missed!  As I look back on it, I should have set up a video camera.  I'm pretty sure that a 5' snake is more flexible and has quicker reflexes than me, but baby, I was back in my prime!(not that I was really all that prime in my prime)  Could of won state in high hurdles the way I was moving!  Over the lawn mower, around the couch, 30 yeard sprint outside to safety!  Bruce Jenner would of been proud!

After the snake had calmed down, and my heartrate had dropped below 200, I was back on station for another wack at it!  A few minutes of more snake dancing, and I was ready!  With lightening like speed and lazer focus, I struck, this time killing the rascal!  As I reach my hand down into the box to grab it (hahahahaha), I mean try to get it wrapped around the hockey stick, I realize that it could possibly be the worst kind of snake we have around here.  The dreaded Coral-Headed Copper-Back Water Rattler!  The meanest snake you ever want to see! 

Some folks call them "Rat Snakes", but they just don't know...

Business opportunities for YOU!!!

OMG, OMG, OMG!!!  I just got incredible news!  A Mr. Yam Tang just contacted me via e-mail and offered me a once in a lifetime opportunity!(holy crap, i'm so excited!)  My hands are shaking as I type this, but he offered me the opportunity to be a corporate representative for him!  All I've got to do is receive funds from various customers into my bank account or credit card account, and dispurse the funds to his company through wire transfer!  And the best part is, all I have to do is give them my banking information and they do all the work!  OMG, OMG, OMG!

I don't need any formal training either!  Wow!  All I really need to do is learn to speak English with some type of Cambodian or Taiwanese accent. (based on the typing in the email)  And can I start immediately?  Well heck yes!  An opportunity like this only comes along once or twice a week!

Could be my ticket to the big leagues!  This, combined with my share of the $94million from the nice Nigerian man who needed my help because he couldn't get his money released into this Country without a representative here, and I'll be set!  What's the first thing I'll buy?  Where will I go?  Man the decisions I'll have to make!

First off, obviously, is a hovercraft.  Duh.  I've seen them advertised in the magazines where they'll go 50 mph over land or water!  Got to have one of those!  Then there'll be the flying car!  Think about it, driving along & you come to a traffic jam?  You just fly over it!  How cool is that gonna be?  I'm joining the bacon of the month club, fruit of the month club, and wine of the month club, just cuz I can!  Remember the clapper?(not to be confused with the highly popular "crapper")  You know, the thing that lets you turn off lamps just by clapping your hands.  I'm ordering myself a case!  And a Chia pet!  And a Topsy Turvy tomato growing thingy!  And a Snuggie!  And a bunch of those Breathe Right strips that go on your nose!(I think they look cool)  And what the hell, I'm getting one of those wind-up monkeys with the cymbals!  And a ceramic banana bank, just like I had when I was 7, but broke it when I knocked it off my dresser!

I used to only get offers like these every once in a while.  But lately, I've gotten a ton!  And I always scoffed at them.  But no more!  I mean, they must be legit, right?  Or else they couldn't do it.  I once knew a guy, who went to college with a guy, who's ex-sister in law's uncle was next door neighbors with this lady who bought produce from this man that had a friend who's cousin(2nd, not 1st) signed up to help one of these Nigerian people get their money here and is now worth well over $46billion!  He's practically my brother!  So take that you nay-sayers!

Okay, now I've got to be on the level with all of you.  I'm really not going to do any of these things.  I know, I know, it's silly of me to turn my back on millions of dollars, but I'm going to!  You see, I'm what I like to refer to as a "Realist"(as in, "I'm REALLY sure you're gonna lose everything if you do this").  I've learned by now, that nothing free is easy, & nothing easy is free.  You're never going to get rich by giving somebody access to your banking information.  You're probably never going to win the lottery either. 

You may never get rich by working hard and working smart.  But what you will get is a deep sense of satisfaction, thrown in with a healthy dose of self-pride and confidence.  Add to it the fact that you just may learn a trade, learn to make good decisions, and learn what it feels like to be a productive citizen.  And who knows, there's always that 1 in 176,487,945 chance you'll win that lotto after all!

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!

So Sunday is Mother's Day.  I love this day!  I get to open presents, get waited on hand & foot.  Breakfast in bed.  Dinner cooked for me.  The works!  That's right, I celebrate Mother's Day.  I figured out a long time ago that this was the 1 day of the year especially reserved for me, since everybody always calls me a mother.  As a matter of fact, I went and used a Mother's Day coupon for lunch today.(the waitress smiled knowingly as I gave it to her)

I'm only partially kidding of course.  I don't get any of that crap done for me on Mother's Day, although I do get called a mother a lot.  I really feel like this is a holiday worth celebrating!  First off, if it weren't for our mom's, most of us wouldn't be here.  This was the first woman (and only in some cases) to tell us she loved us.  When you hurt, she hurt.  When you cried, she cried (hypothetically speaking of course. Mine always threatened to give me something to cry about!).  She was who you looked up to. 

She was the one that told you she didn't think it was a good idea to jump out of a 15' tree into 4' of water, right before you did it any way. (she was also the one who gave you the bag of ice for your ankles after you jumped)  She's the one who washed your mouth out with soap when she heard you say "hell" and said "I didn't raise you to use vulgar language".  The one who covered her eyes as your dad doctored your wounds.  The one who cradled your head in her lap when you went over the handlebars of your bicycle.  The one who made a poultice for what must have been the 500 bee stings you suffered as a kid.  The one who got mad at your dad when he played a practical joke on you & scared you 1/2 to death!

Remember back when you were a little kid?  You'd ask your mom for a piece of gum, and she always had that 1/2 a piece left in her purse.  Remember how she always let you choose the piece of fried chicken first, then took the burnt one, cuz she "liked it really done"?  She's the one that stayed up all night making you a special book bag cuz you saw a kid with one and you had to have it!  Or how no matter how many dogs you drug home, she always let you keep 'em?  Remember how she was always in the stands supporting you during sporting events?  Remember how many times she took you to the emergency room after sporting events?

And how about the mom's that we're married to?  Pretty special group of ladies too!  Without them, we wouldn't have hours upon hours of entertainment from offspring!  We'd have no one to correct us!  We'd have no one to make us realize how completely incompetent we truly are!  Very few of the male species could actually schedule and prepare a party for 15 kids while simultaneously doing laundry, blow drying our hair, cooking dinner for the family, re-writing grandma's will, and giving Fido a bath.  To every dad out there; don't forget to do something special for the mom that you married. She did something very special for you by giving you them little boogers to play with! (and chances are, me included, that she does a whole lot of stuff for your kids that you never even know about, or even think about!)


I think, in some weird way, most men are secretly jealous about the fact that their wives got to have babies and they didn't.  Oh, who am I kidding.  There's not one straight guy out there who's jealous over that!  As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure the human population would shrivel up and die if it were left up to men to birth babies!("that's gonna come out of WHAT?")  Uh-uh.  Ain't gonna happen!  Get me a dog instead!  They're easier to take care of anyway.

Thank you to all mom's everywhere!  I hope you all have a very happy Mother's Day!!!

And I did use a Mother's Day coupon for lunch today!  :)

Random thoughts...

Hope everybody was fortunate enough to watch the local news on channel 12 a couple of nights ago.  They had a story about a very special young lady named Holly.  Holly is a relative(kinda). (my appologies to Holly for that)  Holly just underwent a 2 year stay in the hospital, concluding with a double lung transplant.  You all got to hear me whine about my hospital stay and the little surgery they did.  I'm a wimp.  Holly isn't!  Turns out that she's quite the fighter actually.  I have no right to ever complain about anything again!  She's my hero!

A quick shout out also to the family of the organ donor!  What an incredibly selfless act of courage and honor in such an incredibly difficult time!  It's good to know that through your despair, you were able to bring salvation and smiles to another family!  Everybody sign up to be an organ donor!  You don't need 'em where you're going anyway!


Okay, enough of that.  WHY THE HELL DO WE CELEBRATE CINCO DE MAYO IN THE U.S.OF FRICKIN A?  I read today where it's a bigger holiday here than it is in Mexico!  Yep, you read that right!  We are such a back-ward ass country now that we celebrate other countries holidays even if they don't!  My personal opinion is that when you get off the boat (or out of the river) and decide to live in this country, you take an oath to celebrate the holidays that we celebrate here!  I don't wanna hear about Cinco De Mayo, or Dies Y Seis, or any other foreign holiday.  If you miss 'em, go back! 

And while we're at it, learn to speak English!(or at least the version that passes for english that we hillbillies speak!)  That's the language that the founders of this country spoke, therefore, it's the (un)official language.  I shouldn't have to pay my tax dollars to teach your kids how to speak english!(actually, I don't think I should have to pay my tax dollars for anything when it concerns you)  And if you want to fly the flag of your native country, go be a resident of that country.  There should only be 1 flag flying here.  And it ain't red, white & green!

FINALLY, HE'S DEAD!!!

I heard the news today(last night), oh boy! (borrowed from the Beatles)  The face of evil in the World today has been dealt with appropriately!  I'm hoping this gives closure to some 3000 families who lost someone on September 11, 2001.  I also hope this gives a sense of comfort to all the families who've lost sons & daughters, wives & husbands in an effort to get this result. 

What I wonder about though, is the way it has all been handled.  I know, deep down that showing respect to the body & religion of this piece of crap of a human is the right and dignified answer from the United States, but I just can't help wishing, in some small way, that we didn't have to do the right thing!  Makes sense to bury him at sea so that there's no place for his followers to go to.  But what if we buried him in the middle of the desert somewhere and told everybody where he was?  Couldn't we just have a machine gun sitting there waiting for the pilgrimage?  Be like target practice! (50 points if you get this one in the left ear, Dub!)  How about burying him underneath a urinal?  We could sell tickets for everybody in the country to wizz on him.  Probably pay off the national debt that way!

And I'm REALLY hoping that whoever the seaman was that was preparing the body for burial at sea snuck in a peice of bacon,(or at the least, a light dusting of Baco's) and a copy of Playboy magazine.  Make sure that he doesn't get to meet his god.  What I really wish, again deep down inside, was that we would behead the s.o.b. & pour pig blood down his neck on AlJazeera tv, complete with a sign that said "You're next".  Then put his head in a traveling road show all across the middle east.  But I know that's just wishful thinking!

I also know, as a Christian, that I shouldn't wish a lot of this stuff on anybody.  But I really hope he was so scared he crapped his pants. (or bathrobe, or whatever it is he always wore)  I think it would be a great memory for the people that were in the compound with him to know that their fearless leader crapped his pants right before they put a bullet in his head!  I also hope the SEAL team that performed this task so brilliantly all had the opportunity to spit on his body!

Again, I know that it's the right thing to do to show respect for this scum-bag.  But I really wish we weren't.  I also hope that when the next terrorist attack happens, and you know it will, that we are able to capture the assholes and put them on public trial and then see if we can "taze them" to death slowly.  Take a couple of days to dole out torture.  Then put a bullet through their knee to make 'em suffer some more. 

I know that I might sound a little bitter & uncaring about this particular group of people.  Point is, I am.  They've changed the way of life for every American citizen, for the worst.  The have necessitated the implementation of a lot of things that trample all over our civil liberties, and I doubt we ever get back to the way it was before.  For that reason, I am truly happy about the death of Scum-Sucking, Dog-Humping, Asshole Terrorists!

I also hope that no one in this country becomes afraid to live their life normally, over fears of an increase in terrorist attacks due to this news.  If we do that, even in death, this jackass has won!  I refuse to be afraid!  Join me in my refusal!

God Bless the United States of America!