EARTH DAY?

Happy Earth Day everybody.  This is the day when all of us should make it a point to pull out the old Earth Wind & Fire albums and crank it up!  Seriously, this is actually the day when we're all encouraged to kiss a tree, hug a frog & generally "commune" with nature!  I was pondering this thought while I was pumping fossil fuels into my mammoth truck while simultaneously watching the thousand of cars go by, smoking a cigar, and looking at all the beautiful new light-up billboards.  It was at that point that I knew I had to do something today to conserve energy.  So when I got home, I laid on the couch, turned down the AC, & watched old re-runs of The Brady Bunch. (alternative was washing the cars & mowing the yard.  Just think how much energy I saved!)  Besides, as I told my offspring, "the reason I had you was so you could conserve & fix all the stuff I screwed up!"

I believe this day was established by the ancient scholar "Alex, of the House of Gore".  You 'member, the global warming guy.  Ya know, the guy who called us all selfish and said if we didn't do something quick, the world was  gonna slowly evaporate until there was nothing left but a few spec's of dust and a couple of puffy Cheeto's. (or something along those lines)  Remember, the guy who chided us because we were so wasteful as a country but had about an eleventy billion dollar utility bill every year.  You 'member.

If you recall, global warming is upon us.  The earth is heating up every day, and by the year 4897 or so, the average daily temperature will have increased by .7% of 1 degree!!!  OMG!!!  WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!  I was a Boy Scout for a brief period of time, so I believe in always being prepared.  I have a portable air conditioner, a battery powered fan, an umbrella (for shade), and a car door so I can roll the window down.  I always have an extra large Coleman cooler loaded with ice and lots of water.  When 4897 gets here, I'll be ready! (trust me when I say this, by the time it warms up that much, ain't nobody that's here now will give much of a crap!)

Anybody remember back in the good old '80's?  Everybody was screaming about how much the average temperatures were falling, & we were getting ready to usher in a new ice age!  There was a massive rush at the department stores buying long-johns and hats, mittens, coats & scarves!(not really)  Guess what?  There's no dinosaurs roaming around.  Sometimes I have a difficult time even finding enough ice to pour some good scotch over.   It NEVER happened!  And they had graphs and charts and scientific evidence too!

Point is, all of the people screaming this crap now (and then) are a bunch of whiny ass goober-heads with their own self-interests, trying to whip the public into a frenzy to support their cause!  I have my own cause.  THE EARTH IS ENTERING A PHASE OF STATUS QUO!  If we don't do something NOW, nothing's going to change!  Cover your tomatoes.  Hide your kids.  Don't look at the clouds.  Kick your dogs.  Don't water your grass.  Water your grass.  Don't do anything!

So Happy Earth Day Earthlings.  Go lick a daisy!