I have a friend (I know, big surprise) that has a theory. A pretty good theory actually. Since I want to protect the innocent (not that he is), I'm going to substitute a name for him. For the sake of this blog, we'll call him Smelly Hambin. Now Smelly called me last week and said, "I've got it figured out!". I of course was over-the top excited to find out just what it was that he had figured out, so I waited. And I waited. And I waited. Turns out, Smelly wanted me to ASK him what he had figured out. And although I hadn't been drinking, I believe it was something along the lines of "it's all the hippies fault". Ummmmmm, okay?
Smelly's theory goes something like this. When the hippies came along in the 60's, it was all about peace love & happiness. About people getting along. About everybody being equal. Well these people at some point stopped staging sit-ins long enough to procreate and have a bunch of little curtain climbers. As these tax deductions started getting a little older, their parents (the hippies) didn't think it was fair for little Apple Blossom to play soccer, but not get a trophy. I mean hey, who needs to know who wins & who loses? So they decided that everybody that played, whether they were really good or really sucky would get a trophy, that way, there's nobody that's better than anybody else.
As the little suckers got older, mommy & daddy didn't think it was fair for the really smart kids to get A's, and their poor little Moonbeams to get C's, so they went to the principle and complained that things were so unfair, and poor little Moonbeam was gonna get left behind. So the school districts started some stupid crap about "social promotion", which was basically, "even though your kid's a dumb-ass, we have to move him up a grade just so he won't become a social outcast".
Then these same kids entered the workplace, and guess what they figured out? That's right. Not everybody makes the same amount of money!!! It didn't matter that Larry was willing to work 18 hours a day to get the job done and get promoted. It didn't matter that Stanley was working 3 jobs while he put himself through college, then started up a computer company at night in his basement, only to see it go to $1billion in sales over the next five years, all the while working 80 hours per week and trying to raise a family. It didn't matter that Mary started as a receptionist and worked so hard and smart that she ended up running the company.
Nope. None of that mattered. All that mattered was that Moonbeam and Apple Blossom didn't get the same stuff that the others got. So now, they picket Wall Street in an effort to let the world know that our capitalist society doesn't work after all. Just because 1% of the income earners in this country make a gigantic portion of the income, it doesn't work. They are calling themselves the "99 %ers". Got news for them. Even though they might technically be a part of the "99 %", they have absolutely nothing in common with most of the rest of us.
I'm part of the 99%. So is my boss. So is the guy who sweeps up my jobsites. I have absolutely no problem with the Bill Gates' and Warren Buffet's of the world. They worked hard. They worked smart. They brought new technology to the market. Whatever. The point is, they EARNED it. All that the damn protesters on Wall Street have earned is the right to bitch about it. (Actually, they themselves didn't earn this. I believe it was actually the generations of people fighting for the Constitution of this Country that earned it for them, but I digress)
So what we have here, is a generation of whiners & mal-contents that believe they "deserve" something just because they are alive, who were bred and raised by a generation of whiners & mal-contents that believed they "deserved" things just because they were alive! I think I see a pattern.
All this led me to think about a few things from my past & the way I was raised. I never got a trophy until I was an adult and was able to cheat my brother out of it in a racquetball tournament. I never got a "participation" medal. The only way I ever got a medal was through lots of practice and actually winning something. (still don't have very many medals!) And guess what? We knew who won or lost! And we didn't break down and start shooting people because we lost! We worked our butts off to make ourselves better and actually try to win the next time! And the majority of us today actually try to do better for ourselves than just "getting by". And we aren't pissed off because there are some rich people in the world. Most of them have worked their asses off a lot harder than most people are willing, in order to get ahead!
So any of you hippies out there that are reading this, and are wondering why your kids are screwed up, look in the mirror. Then go get your kids and beat their asses!
Smelly, you might be on to something!
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
To Hell and Beyond!
I don't have a real good idea of what Hell is really like. Is it the burning lake kinda stuff that we all learned about in Vacation Bible School as kids, or is it more tailored to the individual? I'm really thinking it's more individualized, and I believe that today, I got a glimpse into what my personal Hell will be like.
Accounting.
There, I've said it. Accounting is my personal Hell. I know some of you will really have a problem with this, but it's true. I'm not a debit and credit kinda guy. I barely know what accrual means and now I've got to account it? If there has to be a negative and positive for every entry, what's the point? Don't they just balance out?
There are a few people in the world that actually like playing with numbers. They actually go to college and study this stuff. These people are called "nerds". (ha, fooled you, you thought I was gonna say "dorks", didn't you) These are the people that took slide-rule as an elective in high school. The kind that had the Texas Instruments calculator in the little carrying case on their belt. In they're dreams, they see adding machines (do they still have those?) and calculator tape. They understand how much interest to write off and exactly what code to use to enter it in the computer. They care about this stuff. A lot!
Me, not so much. I like to build things. Occasionally I like to tear things down. I like to know how things are put together. I like to get my hands dirty. I like to use tools. I like smelling sawdust. I like creating sawdust. (not real wild about snorting sawdust, but I will admit, when I was younger, there was this party.....)
I get the privilege of going through a bunch of stuff that's really, really screwed up and try to get all the little square accounting pegs in all the little square accounting holes. The problem is, for the last several years we've had "professional" accountants doing this work. And even though, on the surface, "professional" accounting folks appear to like every penny in it's place and all pennies accounted for, sometimes, that's just not the case. I mean seriously, HOW CAN YOU LOSE A $40,000 INTEREST PAYMENT???????????
Sometimes, the "theory" of accounting should stay just that. A theory! I don't need another knob-kneed, spikey-haired dweeb telling me that I'm doing it wrong, just to be proven wrong themselves! I don't need a master accountant to come tell me how to balance a checkbook. I know how to do it! (and for that special someone, just because I know HOW to do it, doesn't mean I ACTUALLY do it!)
I'm pretty sure the same entry was done at least 7 times for one thing. (apparently too much time on our hands at one point) Put it in, take it out. Put it in, take it out. (sounds like a day in the life of a fudgesicle at Rosie O'Donnel's house) (Get your minds out of the gutter!)
My conclusion, after this wonderful, fun-filled morning is this: It doesn't matter how many years you go to school to learn to count, or how prestigious the school is, or how much it cost you to get the advanced degree in counting. If you have no common sense, you're still just a little nerd with no friends, bad hair, zits on your forhead and an incredibly grating voice. (this was not a personal attack) (Who'm I kidding? It was incredibly personal.) And did I mention you look like Granny from "The Beverly Hillbillies"?
Accounting.
There, I've said it. Accounting is my personal Hell. I know some of you will really have a problem with this, but it's true. I'm not a debit and credit kinda guy. I barely know what accrual means and now I've got to account it? If there has to be a negative and positive for every entry, what's the point? Don't they just balance out?
There are a few people in the world that actually like playing with numbers. They actually go to college and study this stuff. These people are called "nerds". (ha, fooled you, you thought I was gonna say "dorks", didn't you) These are the people that took slide-rule as an elective in high school. The kind that had the Texas Instruments calculator in the little carrying case on their belt. In they're dreams, they see adding machines (do they still have those?) and calculator tape. They understand how much interest to write off and exactly what code to use to enter it in the computer. They care about this stuff. A lot!
Me, not so much. I like to build things. Occasionally I like to tear things down. I like to know how things are put together. I like to get my hands dirty. I like to use tools. I like smelling sawdust. I like creating sawdust. (not real wild about snorting sawdust, but I will admit, when I was younger, there was this party.....)
I get the privilege of going through a bunch of stuff that's really, really screwed up and try to get all the little square accounting pegs in all the little square accounting holes. The problem is, for the last several years we've had "professional" accountants doing this work. And even though, on the surface, "professional" accounting folks appear to like every penny in it's place and all pennies accounted for, sometimes, that's just not the case. I mean seriously, HOW CAN YOU LOSE A $40,000 INTEREST PAYMENT???????????
Sometimes, the "theory" of accounting should stay just that. A theory! I don't need another knob-kneed, spikey-haired dweeb telling me that I'm doing it wrong, just to be proven wrong themselves! I don't need a master accountant to come tell me how to balance a checkbook. I know how to do it! (and for that special someone, just because I know HOW to do it, doesn't mean I ACTUALLY do it!)
I'm pretty sure the same entry was done at least 7 times for one thing. (apparently too much time on our hands at one point) Put it in, take it out. Put it in, take it out. (sounds like a day in the life of a fudgesicle at Rosie O'Donnel's house) (Get your minds out of the gutter!)
My conclusion, after this wonderful, fun-filled morning is this: It doesn't matter how many years you go to school to learn to count, or how prestigious the school is, or how much it cost you to get the advanced degree in counting. If you have no common sense, you're still just a little nerd with no friends, bad hair, zits on your forhead and an incredibly grating voice. (this was not a personal attack) (Who'm I kidding? It was incredibly personal.) And did I mention you look like Granny from "The Beverly Hillbillies"?
Friday, October 7, 2011
Just a Bunch of Rants
Occupy Wall Street. What the hell is that supposed to mean? Apparently a bunch of little morons are demonstrating against the evil "big corporations". What I find truly funny is the fact that every one of them is out there on their smart phones, working on their laptops, wearing clothes purchased from Target, drinking latte's from Starbucks, eating out of McDonald's bags. Hmmmmmmm.
And another thing. I heard this morning that a bunch of workers at Wal-Mart are trying to unionize. So apparently, they all need a little education on the history of labor unions. First, you unionize. 2nd, you go on strike for better wages, health insurance, free soda's at break-time, and softer paper in the toilets. 3rd. Wal-Mart gives in to your outrageous demands. 4th - 2 years later, you decide you can't live with what you've got, so you go on strike for even better wages, profit sharing, free cherry-coke icee's, and 1/2 off blueberry lipgloss. 5th. Wal-Mart gives in. 6th. Wal-Mart can't sustain another year of losses, so they raise the price on everything 20%. 7th - Everybody that shops at Wal-Mart says "well heck Leroy, the only reason I ever went to Wal-Mart was cuz it was cheap. I'm gonna go check out the Target store." 8th - Business eventually dries up to the point that Wal-Mart is left with no option but to declare bankruptcy and go out of business. 9th - You sit on your fat ass on your naugehyde couch crying cuz you don't have a job. 10th - You finally get a job at Target making 25cents less per hour than you originally made at Wal-Mart.
But yeah, go ahead and strike. That's progress. Think I'm going to organize a union also. It's going to be a union of people who are fed up with your whiney-ass weasely voices. A union that's going to kick you in the ass until you come to your damn senses and pull your head out of your butts long enough to realize that unions have killed the labor force in this country and any businesses that rely on that labor force.
And while we're on this subject, let me throw this one in. The NBA is a bunch of stupid-ass men playing a stupid-ass kids game. They're currently whining about what, I don't even know. All I know is the pre-season is cancelled, and if the "lock-out" goes on much longer, the first 2 weeks of the season will be cancelled. Now I'm not a season ticket holder, but if I was, I would be on the front steps of the local NBA franchise with said tickets in hand waiting for the opportunity to stick them up some NBA player's or owner's ass! What an absolute bunch of buffoons! They make more money in one night than about 90% of the poeple in this world make in a full year! Absolutely ridiculous!
I hope whenever they do come back and start playing, they have to give every bit of money that was lost during the lockout to some charity. Hand deliver it. With no cameras around. Let them all get a taste of what real suffering is. You wanna bitch about not getting your fair share? Try telling that to the people who lost their son this morning in Afghanistan! You think they got their fair share? Every NBA player, coach, owner, announcer, statistician, and anybody else in the business can kiss my white ass! My plea to all 2 of you that actually read this is to never watch another NBA game! I'm fairly sure that women's synchronized swimming is in season. Watch that instead!
And now, the rest of the story...Not really, just tired of bitching!
And another thing. I heard this morning that a bunch of workers at Wal-Mart are trying to unionize. So apparently, they all need a little education on the history of labor unions. First, you unionize. 2nd, you go on strike for better wages, health insurance, free soda's at break-time, and softer paper in the toilets. 3rd. Wal-Mart gives in to your outrageous demands. 4th - 2 years later, you decide you can't live with what you've got, so you go on strike for even better wages, profit sharing, free cherry-coke icee's, and 1/2 off blueberry lipgloss. 5th. Wal-Mart gives in. 6th. Wal-Mart can't sustain another year of losses, so they raise the price on everything 20%. 7th - Everybody that shops at Wal-Mart says "well heck Leroy, the only reason I ever went to Wal-Mart was cuz it was cheap. I'm gonna go check out the Target store." 8th - Business eventually dries up to the point that Wal-Mart is left with no option but to declare bankruptcy and go out of business. 9th - You sit on your fat ass on your naugehyde couch crying cuz you don't have a job. 10th - You finally get a job at Target making 25cents less per hour than you originally made at Wal-Mart.
But yeah, go ahead and strike. That's progress. Think I'm going to organize a union also. It's going to be a union of people who are fed up with your whiney-ass weasely voices. A union that's going to kick you in the ass until you come to your damn senses and pull your head out of your butts long enough to realize that unions have killed the labor force in this country and any businesses that rely on that labor force.
And while we're on this subject, let me throw this one in. The NBA is a bunch of stupid-ass men playing a stupid-ass kids game. They're currently whining about what, I don't even know. All I know is the pre-season is cancelled, and if the "lock-out" goes on much longer, the first 2 weeks of the season will be cancelled. Now I'm not a season ticket holder, but if I was, I would be on the front steps of the local NBA franchise with said tickets in hand waiting for the opportunity to stick them up some NBA player's or owner's ass! What an absolute bunch of buffoons! They make more money in one night than about 90% of the poeple in this world make in a full year! Absolutely ridiculous!
I hope whenever they do come back and start playing, they have to give every bit of money that was lost during the lockout to some charity. Hand deliver it. With no cameras around. Let them all get a taste of what real suffering is. You wanna bitch about not getting your fair share? Try telling that to the people who lost their son this morning in Afghanistan! You think they got their fair share? Every NBA player, coach, owner, announcer, statistician, and anybody else in the business can kiss my white ass! My plea to all 2 of you that actually read this is to never watch another NBA game! I'm fairly sure that women's synchronized swimming is in season. Watch that instead!
And now, the rest of the story...Not really, just tired of bitching!
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Dear Agnes, it's me again!
Yes, I know it's been a while since I've been on here. Trust me, the millions of followers have been continually harrasing me because of the lack of posts. Just seemed easier to give up than get p.o.'d all the time about the things I write about. Truth of the matter is, I was getting so p.o.'d about things that I couldn't write! But I'm better now. (not bitter now, which one might expect)
I heard this morning that the beautiful city of San Antonio is being petitioned to become a "Sanctuary City". At first I said to myself, "self", I said, "that sounds like a pretty cool idea. We could be known as a sanctuary. A place where people from other towns come to to commune with nature. To kick back & relax. To be a peaceful place." Then it was explained that what these imbecilic knuckle dragging monkeys acually want is a place where every illegal immigrant can flock to! Where we won't spend any money trying to prosecute these law breaking bags of donkey dung! What the crap? Why don't we just rent a giant billboard in every damn border town from Matamoras to Tijuana saying, "hey Vato, get your ass to San Antonio. The Americano's there are so stupid they don't even want to enforce their own laws".
What a stupid ass thing to even consider! What a just absolutely brilliant frickin' idea! Let's not go after the illegals, even if they break a law, even though they've already broken a law. What a bunch of squirrel ass nut-jobs we've become. Jeeeeesh!
Sarah Palin announced yesterday that she would not be running for president. I don't know, nor do I care what any of your political beliefs are. I think we can all agree on this one point...the field of possible candidates just got a lot uglier!
And speaking of ugly, isn't the election for president still over a year away? Why do these people get to start campaigning already? Don't they have jobs to do? I mean, Rick Perry is still Governor of Texas! Doesn't he have a rock to go paint or something? Okay, that was a low blow. I don't think he's racist, and I think the whole "minority head" ranch thing was way blown out of proportion. What's more, I don't remember his side of the story getting any air time. I don't really care one way or the other, I won't vote for him anyway, I just think he got the short end of the stick. What about Mitt Romney? Shouldn't he be counting his money? Shouldn't Herman Cain be delivering a pizza or something? I don't want to have to listen to all this crap & all these lies for the next 13 months! I know, I know, they're not all lies. When one of the candidates says they need to pee, that's probably the truth! (Question...how do you know when a politician is lying?)
And another irritating political thing. How come President Obama is known as "The first black president"? Did I miss something? I thought he was 1/2 white? From now on, I'd like the media to refer to him as the first black/44th (or 45th?) white president. I always get a big kick out of how people want to be of a certain racial orientation just so they get the benefits of it. (Actually Larry, I'm 1/64th Zulu, so I should actually get that scholarship for canabalism!) Hey, I'm at least a little bit of some other race, though I'm not sure what it is. Can I just make some crap up to put on the kids scholarship applications? I've been referred to as a "red-neck" quite a bit in my life. Doesn't that make me an Indian? (Feather not Dot)
I'm sure my viewing masses will be highly entertained, and not a little bit enlightened by this small piece of literature. So I personally thank all of you that stayed on my ass until I wrote something again. You know who you are. (actually, you don't, since there was no one that said, "hey, you need to write your blog again. That was terribly entertaining and enlightening. It was the best thing on the internet. You should be on the news. You should write for the paper. You should run for President.)
(answer...when their lips are moving!)
I heard this morning that the beautiful city of San Antonio is being petitioned to become a "Sanctuary City". At first I said to myself, "self", I said, "that sounds like a pretty cool idea. We could be known as a sanctuary. A place where people from other towns come to to commune with nature. To kick back & relax. To be a peaceful place." Then it was explained that what these imbecilic knuckle dragging monkeys acually want is a place where every illegal immigrant can flock to! Where we won't spend any money trying to prosecute these law breaking bags of donkey dung! What the crap? Why don't we just rent a giant billboard in every damn border town from Matamoras to Tijuana saying, "hey Vato, get your ass to San Antonio. The Americano's there are so stupid they don't even want to enforce their own laws".
What a stupid ass thing to even consider! What a just absolutely brilliant frickin' idea! Let's not go after the illegals, even if they break a law, even though they've already broken a law. What a bunch of squirrel ass nut-jobs we've become. Jeeeeesh!
Sarah Palin announced yesterday that she would not be running for president. I don't know, nor do I care what any of your political beliefs are. I think we can all agree on this one point...the field of possible candidates just got a lot uglier!
And speaking of ugly, isn't the election for president still over a year away? Why do these people get to start campaigning already? Don't they have jobs to do? I mean, Rick Perry is still Governor of Texas! Doesn't he have a rock to go paint or something? Okay, that was a low blow. I don't think he's racist, and I think the whole "minority head" ranch thing was way blown out of proportion. What's more, I don't remember his side of the story getting any air time. I don't really care one way or the other, I won't vote for him anyway, I just think he got the short end of the stick. What about Mitt Romney? Shouldn't he be counting his money? Shouldn't Herman Cain be delivering a pizza or something? I don't want to have to listen to all this crap & all these lies for the next 13 months! I know, I know, they're not all lies. When one of the candidates says they need to pee, that's probably the truth! (Question...how do you know when a politician is lying?)
And another irritating political thing. How come President Obama is known as "The first black president"? Did I miss something? I thought he was 1/2 white? From now on, I'd like the media to refer to him as the first black/44th (or 45th?) white president. I always get a big kick out of how people want to be of a certain racial orientation just so they get the benefits of it. (Actually Larry, I'm 1/64th Zulu, so I should actually get that scholarship for canabalism!) Hey, I'm at least a little bit of some other race, though I'm not sure what it is. Can I just make some crap up to put on the kids scholarship applications? I've been referred to as a "red-neck" quite a bit in my life. Doesn't that make me an Indian? (Feather not Dot)
I'm sure my viewing masses will be highly entertained, and not a little bit enlightened by this small piece of literature. So I personally thank all of you that stayed on my ass until I wrote something again. You know who you are. (actually, you don't, since there was no one that said, "hey, you need to write your blog again. That was terribly entertaining and enlightening. It was the best thing on the internet. You should be on the news. You should write for the paper. You should run for President.)
(answer...when their lips are moving!)
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)