Don't know if there are any Spurs fans out there (don't know if there are any Spurs fans anymore), but let me sum up the playoffs as succinctly as possible. SPURS SUCK! I know, I know. Everybody's going to beat me up about this, because, well, the team's old, have bad knees, didn't bring their "A" game, etc. etc. etc.! BS. THEY SUCKED! HARD! OFTEN! You have the best record IN THE LEAGUE and you go out to the #8 seed in the first round? WTH? Anxious to get on with the summer plans? Wife plan a vacation that you just can't miss? (Mickey would still be there in July!) Maybe you don't like having to play in the summer heat cuz it makes you all hot & sticky!(poor thing)
I'm a firm believer of giving whoever pays you a fair days work for a fair days wage. The average NBA player makes around $5million per year. $5million per year. $5million per year. That's around $14,000 every day of the year. In my opinion, you best have your ass out there beating the crap out of everybody on the court to earn $14,000 per day. To see players not following shots for rebounds, not even trying to play defense, and throwing the ball away every chance they got was ridiculous!
If you're too old to play, don't play. If your knees are so bad you can't give it your full effort, don't play. If you're not even gonna try, STAY THE HELL AT HOME! Let me play. I'll give you every bit of effort I have as long as you pay me $14,000 a day. You need to foul somebody? Put me in coach,. and you won't have to worry about them making the free throws, cuz they won't be able to lift their hands above their shoulders. Need some trash talking? Put me in coach. Need to cause a little mayhem, you got it!
ATTENTION: ALL NBA GENERAL MANAGERS
If you're in need of a chubby, old, bald, slow white guy with bad knees & hips, I'm the man for you!
SPURS SUCK!
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
Recently heard about a new diet that was sweeping the nation. Apparently it involves sticking magnets on one side of your face or the other. One side is to lose pounds. The other side is to lose inches.(I'm cautioning all male readers not to try this diet) Now I'm not real sure which side is which, but as the 17 year old said, "isn't there a direct correllation?". I may be naive, but if you lose pounds, aren't you, by default, going to lose inches? It was about this time that I started "wondering" about one of my favorite people in the world.
This isn't even something that you can just grab a refrigerator magnet and stick on your face. Some kind of "top-secret" military grade magnet or something. (if it was that easy, I'd be buying s big sheet of magnet & wrapping it around my belly!)(inches or pounds though?) Apparently requires a highly trained "expert" to be able to do this. Someone with the patience of Ghandi, the strength of Superman, and the wisdom of MacGyver. There are a lot of goofy diet plans out there, but this is one for the books!
I once heard of a diet where you can lose 10 pounds in a week by eating nothing but onions! (you can lose 150 pounds in a week, if you consider that your girlfriend is gonna leave you) Or eat nothing but grapefruits and eggs for a week.(who would do this?) How about eating all your meals with a crab fork? (wouldn't this just require more trips to the pie hole?) My personal favorite is the "tapeworm" diet. You guessed it. they put a tapeworm larvae in you & it goes to work! (don't even want to get into the thought process about this one)
I like the way that all the diet supplement ads on tv say "when used as directed along with a sensible meal plan". Here's the basic flaw in the logic. If everybody followed a "sensible" meal plan, nobody would actually need the stuff they're selling! Kinda like selling "instant water", where all you've got to do is add water! I think what the ads need to say are "when used as directed, and as long as you stop the stupid crap you've been doing all your life like eating 2 bags of potato chips every time you pick the kids up from school, or eating a gallon of ice cream every night at 11:30 just to help you sleep", but that would probably be too long to fit on the label. (have to go to those labels like you find on weed killer that open up to 17 pages of what not to do)
Here's what I think.(shocking to offer up an opinion, I know) Exercise more. Eat less. Maybe we can call this thedemocrat republican common sense diet! In the words of the band Queen, "Get on your bike and ride"! Maybe if I come up with some really cool graphics, and put labels on bottles with a little note saying "Exercise more. Eat less." I can sell my diet plan on late night tv infomercials! (for 2 low payments of $19.99...when used as directed along with a sensible meal plan!)
I personally am anti-diet.(unless it's the ice cream and Shiner Bock diet) I've heard that ones real easy to follow!
This isn't even something that you can just grab a refrigerator magnet and stick on your face. Some kind of "top-secret" military grade magnet or something. (if it was that easy, I'd be buying s big sheet of magnet & wrapping it around my belly!)(inches or pounds though?) Apparently requires a highly trained "expert" to be able to do this. Someone with the patience of Ghandi, the strength of Superman, and the wisdom of MacGyver. There are a lot of goofy diet plans out there, but this is one for the books!
I once heard of a diet where you can lose 10 pounds in a week by eating nothing but onions! (you can lose 150 pounds in a week, if you consider that your girlfriend is gonna leave you) Or eat nothing but grapefruits and eggs for a week.(who would do this?) How about eating all your meals with a crab fork? (wouldn't this just require more trips to the pie hole?) My personal favorite is the "tapeworm" diet. You guessed it. they put a tapeworm larvae in you & it goes to work! (don't even want to get into the thought process about this one)
I like the way that all the diet supplement ads on tv say "when used as directed along with a sensible meal plan". Here's the basic flaw in the logic. If everybody followed a "sensible" meal plan, nobody would actually need the stuff they're selling! Kinda like selling "instant water", where all you've got to do is add water! I think what the ads need to say are "when used as directed, and as long as you stop the stupid crap you've been doing all your life like eating 2 bags of potato chips every time you pick the kids up from school, or eating a gallon of ice cream every night at 11:30 just to help you sleep", but that would probably be too long to fit on the label. (have to go to those labels like you find on weed killer that open up to 17 pages of what not to do)
Here's what I think.(shocking to offer up an opinion, I know) Exercise more. Eat less. Maybe we can call this the
I personally am anti-diet.(unless it's the ice cream and Shiner Bock diet) I've heard that ones real easy to follow!
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
NFL STRIKE!
I know I'm not the best mathemagician or adder-upper in the house, but please try to help me understand something. There's lots of talk about the NFL players going on strike. What are they striking for? Are they striking for better working conditions?(they play a game) Are they striking for better living conditions?(probably not a big factor) Are they striking for fairness and equality of treatment for all the support staff? (hahahahahaha. That one made me laugh) Are they striking for money? (probably, since the average NFL player salary is still, in this day and age, under $1million per year)
That's right folks. The average NFL salary is just under $1million dollars per year. How are these poor boys supposed to survive on that? That'll barely buy diapers for the illigitimate kids! Hell, I'd walk out too! If they can't afford to pay these guys at least $4million per year, why bother even trying? (don't forget, the $1million also includes all the guys that sit on the bench, or hold clip-boards, or wipe boogers on their teammates when they come off the field) This is insanity! These guys work (er, play) hard for their money! For heaven's sake, football season lasts nearly 6 months! I protest! Get Jerry Jones on the line. I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind! Plus, wouldn't this be the 3rd time they've gone on strike? Isn't it 3 strikes and you're out? (we could only wish)
Think I'm gonna walk out too! Tell my boss to kiss my butt! I'm not gonna be working here for the good paycheck I get every week. Or the job security in the current economic situation we're in. I'm telling him to screw off if he thinks I'm willing to work under 50 hours per week anymore! I don't need this crap! I can sit on my ass at home and make money off my endorsements! (currently Speed Stick and Captain Crunch with Crunchberries) (not really) (wouldn't it be AWESOME to endorse Captain Crunch though? All the cereal you can eat!)
Oh, and as far as the health care coverage, screw that too! I already owe every hospital in town! What are they gonna do, put all the bad parts back in? And while I'm at it, keep the company truck too! You think you can get away with paying people a good wage? I'll show you!
By a show of hands, how many people would like to make $1million dollars a year working 60 hours a week? Now, how many of you would like to make $1million dollars a year for working (playing) 6 frickin months? If this really happens, I hope not another NFL game ever gets watched. I hope every one of the dumb-asses who are going to strike get to get a job working as a roofer, in the middle of Ozona, during the month of August. Or have to drive that truck around that cleans out the porta-potties. In August. In Ozona.
I know that they say the reason they get paid a lot is that their careers are so short. Got news for them. Theres a lot of folks in Iraq & Afghanistan whose careers will be a lot shorter. And they don't make $1million per year!
That's right folks. The average NFL salary is just under $1million dollars per year. How are these poor boys supposed to survive on that? That'll barely buy diapers for the illigitimate kids! Hell, I'd walk out too! If they can't afford to pay these guys at least $4million per year, why bother even trying? (don't forget, the $1million also includes all the guys that sit on the bench, or hold clip-boards, or wipe boogers on their teammates when they come off the field) This is insanity! These guys work (er, play) hard for their money! For heaven's sake, football season lasts nearly 6 months! I protest! Get Jerry Jones on the line. I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind! Plus, wouldn't this be the 3rd time they've gone on strike? Isn't it 3 strikes and you're out? (we could only wish)
Think I'm gonna walk out too! Tell my boss to kiss my butt! I'm not gonna be working here for the good paycheck I get every week. Or the job security in the current economic situation we're in. I'm telling him to screw off if he thinks I'm willing to work under 50 hours per week anymore! I don't need this crap! I can sit on my ass at home and make money off my endorsements! (currently Speed Stick and Captain Crunch with Crunchberries) (not really) (wouldn't it be AWESOME to endorse Captain Crunch though? All the cereal you can eat!)
Oh, and as far as the health care coverage, screw that too! I already owe every hospital in town! What are they gonna do, put all the bad parts back in? And while I'm at it, keep the company truck too! You think you can get away with paying people a good wage? I'll show you!
By a show of hands, how many people would like to make $1million dollars a year working 60 hours a week? Now, how many of you would like to make $1million dollars a year for working (playing) 6 frickin months? If this really happens, I hope not another NFL game ever gets watched. I hope every one of the dumb-asses who are going to strike get to get a job working as a roofer, in the middle of Ozona, during the month of August. Or have to drive that truck around that cleans out the porta-potties. In August. In Ozona.
I know that they say the reason they get paid a lot is that their careers are so short. Got news for them. Theres a lot of folks in Iraq & Afghanistan whose careers will be a lot shorter. And they don't make $1million per year!
Monday, April 25, 2011
AS SEEN ON TV!
When my oldest tax deduction was but a wee lad, he delighted in watching infomercials of really anything. Everytime, it was always the same. "Dad, we've got to get this wart dress-up kit.(or whatever) It's the best one ever invented & it'll bring me hours of stimulating fun time." So as a responsible parent, I would go watch part of the infomercial with him to try to find a proper way of explaining to him the pitfalls of purchasing these products.
We've all seen the ads. The salad chopper that turns an ordinary head of lettuce into a beautiful tossed salad complete with tomatoes, cucumbers, red and green bell-peppers and croutons. Or the fishing rod that launches a lure 200 yards using ordinance only recently returned from Iraq, then enables you to catch a 13 pound bass on 2 pound test line on a rod that also doubles as a drinking straw. Or the always popular device that enables you to cook 5 mini-burgers at once.(WAY more convenient than that old fry-pan or grill) The worlds sharpest knives. Hands-free toothpaste dispensers.(keeps your hands free to scratch yourself) Hair thingy's to make your hair "pouffy".(wonder if it would work for me) Ladders for Lassie. Kitchens for Kittens. A device that turns your favorite can drink into a bottle drink.(really? Aren't those called "bottled drinks"?) The madness goes on & on!
And I love the "extra" offers! Like, if you buy one "of these things you're not sure what to do with & you don't really need anyway" in the next 3 minutes and 18 seconds, we'll throw in the second absolutely free.(just pay shipping & handling charges of $14.95) First, they show this same commercial 187 times every day. 3 minutes and 18 seconds from when? Second, if you've got to pay 15 bucks to have the "free" one shipped, is it really free?
Or how about the add-ons that don't even make any sense? You're buying a set of space-age pots & pans that up until this point, NASA has only authorized for use at the Space Station, but today and today only, you can get this same quality product used by people such as Neil Armstronger and Buzz Aldino, for the low-low price of just $79.99. Or three monthly payments of $39.99. (but wait, if you act now, you only pay 2 payments of $39.99) And if you order in the next 5 minutes, we'll throw in this 14-in-one home screwdriver set. WOW! Gotta have that!
My personal favorite is the "Snuggie". I'm sure we've all seen one by now. Probably the best invention ever! Somebody put sleeves on a blanket! Sleeves on a blanket! How did we survive up until this point in time without a blanket with sleeves? In the commercial, one of the big plusses was the fact that it keeps your hands free. What if your hands are cold? If the rest of your body is cold, isn't there a remote chance your hands would be also?(maybe they should come up with a snuggie with detachable gloves) And if you buy today, they'll throw in the 2nd snuggie for free!(Free at last, free at last...) But wait, there's more! If you act in the next 30 minutes, you'll also get 2 book-lights!(If I act in the next 5 minutes will I get the books too?) Of course, there are also Snuggies in designer colors, Snuggies for your kids, Snuggies for your pets, and conceivably, Snuggies for your tomatoes.(extends the growing season)
Who buys this stuff? When I buy the painting kit that should make me paint a likeness of the Sistine Chapel flawlessly in just under 14 minutes, the Sistine Chapel comes out looking like a Butternut squash that's been left in the sun to dry for 23 days. Sham-Wow's just make me say, WTH! I just spent $20 on shop-towels? Obviously, I'm the only person in the world who doesn't buy these things. If nobody bought them, there wouldn't be entire television stations dedicated to them.
What if I offered my blog like that? If you buy now, I'll throw in another blog entry for free! That's 2 ladies & gentlemen, for the price of 1. That's right. If you like what you're seeing, and who wouldn't, you can order this blog today, and receive the next blog entry ENTIRELY FREE! And, if you read now, I'll throw in shipping and handling charges!
We've all seen the ads. The salad chopper that turns an ordinary head of lettuce into a beautiful tossed salad complete with tomatoes, cucumbers, red and green bell-peppers and croutons. Or the fishing rod that launches a lure 200 yards using ordinance only recently returned from Iraq, then enables you to catch a 13 pound bass on 2 pound test line on a rod that also doubles as a drinking straw. Or the always popular device that enables you to cook 5 mini-burgers at once.(WAY more convenient than that old fry-pan or grill) The worlds sharpest knives. Hands-free toothpaste dispensers.(keeps your hands free to scratch yourself) Hair thingy's to make your hair "pouffy".(wonder if it would work for me) Ladders for Lassie. Kitchens for Kittens. A device that turns your favorite can drink into a bottle drink.(really? Aren't those called "bottled drinks"?) The madness goes on & on!
And I love the "extra" offers! Like, if you buy one "of these things you're not sure what to do with & you don't really need anyway" in the next 3 minutes and 18 seconds, we'll throw in the second absolutely free.(just pay shipping & handling charges of $14.95) First, they show this same commercial 187 times every day. 3 minutes and 18 seconds from when? Second, if you've got to pay 15 bucks to have the "free" one shipped, is it really free?
Or how about the add-ons that don't even make any sense? You're buying a set of space-age pots & pans that up until this point, NASA has only authorized for use at the Space Station, but today and today only, you can get this same quality product used by people such as Neil Armstronger and Buzz Aldino, for the low-low price of just $79.99. Or three monthly payments of $39.99. (but wait, if you act now, you only pay 2 payments of $39.99) And if you order in the next 5 minutes, we'll throw in this 14-in-one home screwdriver set. WOW! Gotta have that!
My personal favorite is the "Snuggie". I'm sure we've all seen one by now. Probably the best invention ever! Somebody put sleeves on a blanket! Sleeves on a blanket! How did we survive up until this point in time without a blanket with sleeves? In the commercial, one of the big plusses was the fact that it keeps your hands free. What if your hands are cold? If the rest of your body is cold, isn't there a remote chance your hands would be also?(maybe they should come up with a snuggie with detachable gloves) And if you buy today, they'll throw in the 2nd snuggie for free!(Free at last, free at last...) But wait, there's more! If you act in the next 30 minutes, you'll also get 2 book-lights!(If I act in the next 5 minutes will I get the books too?) Of course, there are also Snuggies in designer colors, Snuggies for your kids, Snuggies for your pets, and conceivably, Snuggies for your tomatoes.(extends the growing season)
Who buys this stuff? When I buy the painting kit that should make me paint a likeness of the Sistine Chapel flawlessly in just under 14 minutes, the Sistine Chapel comes out looking like a Butternut squash that's been left in the sun to dry for 23 days. Sham-Wow's just make me say, WTH! I just spent $20 on shop-towels? Obviously, I'm the only person in the world who doesn't buy these things. If nobody bought them, there wouldn't be entire television stations dedicated to them.
What if I offered my blog like that? If you buy now, I'll throw in another blog entry for free! That's 2 ladies & gentlemen, for the price of 1. That's right. If you like what you're seeing, and who wouldn't, you can order this blog today, and receive the next blog entry ENTIRELY FREE! And, if you read now, I'll throw in shipping and handling charges!
Friday, April 22, 2011
EARTH DAY?
Happy Earth Day everybody. This is the day when all of us should make it a point to pull out the old Earth Wind & Fire albums and crank it up! Seriously, this is actually the day when we're all encouraged to kiss a tree, hug a frog & generally "commune" with nature! I was pondering this thought while I was pumping fossil fuels into my mammoth truck while simultaneously watching the thousand of cars go by, smoking a cigar, and looking at all the beautiful new light-up billboards. It was at that point that I knew I had to do something today to conserve energy. So when I got home, I laid on the couch, turned down the AC, & watched old re-runs of The Brady Bunch. (alternative was washing the cars & mowing the yard. Just think how much energy I saved!) Besides, as I told my offspring, "the reason I had you was so you could conserve & fix all the stuff I screwed up!"
I believe this day was established by the ancient scholar "Alex, of the House of Gore". You 'member, the global warming guy. Ya know, the guy who called us all selfish and said if we didn't do something quick, the world was gonna slowly evaporate until there was nothing left but a few spec's of dust and a couple of puffy Cheeto's. (or something along those lines) Remember, the guy who chided us because we were so wasteful as a country but had about an eleventy billion dollar utility bill every year. You 'member.
If you recall, global warming is upon us. The earth is heating up every day, and by the year 4897 or so, the average daily temperature will have increased by .7% of 1 degree!!! OMG!!! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!! I was a Boy Scout for a brief period of time, so I believe in always being prepared. I have a portable air conditioner, a battery powered fan, an umbrella (for shade), and a car door so I can roll the window down. I always have an extra large Coleman cooler loaded with ice and lots of water. When 4897 gets here, I'll be ready! (trust me when I say this, by the time it warms up that much, ain't nobody that's here now will give much of a crap!)
Anybody remember back in the good old '80's? Everybody was screaming about how much the average temperatures were falling, & we were getting ready to usher in a new ice age! There was a massive rush at the department stores buying long-johns and hats, mittens, coats & scarves!(not really) Guess what? There's no dinosaurs roaming around. Sometimes I have a difficult time even finding enough ice to pour some good scotch over. It NEVER happened! And they had graphs and charts and scientific evidence too!
Point is, all of the people screaming this crap now (and then) are a bunch of whiny ass goober-heads with their own self-interests, trying to whip the public into a frenzy to support their cause! I have my own cause. THE EARTH IS ENTERING A PHASE OF STATUS QUO! If we don't do something NOW, nothing's going to change! Cover your tomatoes. Hide your kids. Don't look at the clouds. Kick your dogs. Don't water your grass. Water your grass. Don't do anything!
So Happy Earth Day Earthlings. Go lick a daisy!
I believe this day was established by the ancient scholar "Alex, of the House of Gore". You 'member, the global warming guy. Ya know, the guy who called us all selfish and said if we didn't do something quick, the world was gonna slowly evaporate until there was nothing left but a few spec's of dust and a couple of puffy Cheeto's. (or something along those lines) Remember, the guy who chided us because we were so wasteful as a country but had about an eleventy billion dollar utility bill every year. You 'member.
If you recall, global warming is upon us. The earth is heating up every day, and by the year 4897 or so, the average daily temperature will have increased by .7% of 1 degree!!! OMG!!! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!! I was a Boy Scout for a brief period of time, so I believe in always being prepared. I have a portable air conditioner, a battery powered fan, an umbrella (for shade), and a car door so I can roll the window down. I always have an extra large Coleman cooler loaded with ice and lots of water. When 4897 gets here, I'll be ready! (trust me when I say this, by the time it warms up that much, ain't nobody that's here now will give much of a crap!)
Anybody remember back in the good old '80's? Everybody was screaming about how much the average temperatures were falling, & we were getting ready to usher in a new ice age! There was a massive rush at the department stores buying long-johns and hats, mittens, coats & scarves!(not really) Guess what? There's no dinosaurs roaming around. Sometimes I have a difficult time even finding enough ice to pour some good scotch over. It NEVER happened! And they had graphs and charts and scientific evidence too!
Point is, all of the people screaming this crap now (and then) are a bunch of whiny ass goober-heads with their own self-interests, trying to whip the public into a frenzy to support their cause! I have my own cause. THE EARTH IS ENTERING A PHASE OF STATUS QUO! If we don't do something NOW, nothing's going to change! Cover your tomatoes. Hide your kids. Don't look at the clouds. Kick your dogs. Don't water your grass. Water your grass. Don't do anything!
So Happy Earth Day Earthlings. Go lick a daisy!
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Happy Tax Day!
Hope everybody got to enjoy a nice relaxing tax-day yesterday. For those of you who live under a rock, yesterday was the day your income tax was due. The IRS, because they are a kindhearted, fun-minded kind of place, let us have 3 whole extra days to file this year! (look up good sum-bitch in the dictionary & you'll see IRS) I personally took full advantage of these extra 3 days to dream up a few extra deductions!
First, I claimed my dogs as dependents. If a dog isn't dependent, seriously, who is? They depend on you for food, water & entertainment. (If you have a "natural" boy dog, they also depend on your leg to hump) When was the last time you took a dog to the Vet? Costs a fortune to keep them buggers healthy! (I claimed my dog's health expenses too)
I also claimed my cats. (at first I wasn't going to, cuz, seriously, I'm pretty sure my cat's claim me as a dependent) Cats still need to be fed and watered. (once again, the opposable thumb conundrum) (I just used conundrum in casual conversation) Just think, if cats ruled the world, we'd be nothing but one big giant hairball. Really, Has anybody ever actually owned a cat? And mine is trained! It'll stand on it's hind legs begging for a treat like a dog. It'll roll over and play dead. It'll shake your hand, speak, count to three! Okay, not really. My cat won't do any of that crap. Actually, I don't even have a cat. I'm what you call a "dog person"! I don't think it's possible to actually own a cat. The cat owns you. I'm pretty sure the Vietnam "conflict" was actually caused by a cat who was intent on ruling the world. Really, who would name their kid "Pol-Pot"? That had to be a cat.
I also claimed about eleventy million dollars in medical bills.(that parts true) (not the eleventy million part) (just that there was a lot!) Do you have any idea what it costs to have people cut you open & check out your insides? Trust me when I say this. It a LOT!!! You would think that the least they could do is make me skinny & handsome! Unfortunately, they just made me one of em! (you pick which!)
I live in the greatest country on earth! Unfortunately, it has the most backward-ass tax system on the planet. Fortunately for me, I've been to 14 years of higher education, so I only needed 3 tax "experts" to help me figure it all out! Fairtax.org! It's the only way to fly!
Friday, April 15, 2011
MY APOLOGIES
No, I'm not appologizing for anything I've said.(as if) Sometime before this I mentioned a road trip, wherein one 58 year old "Captain Dave" dutifully skied his butt off with a cracked rib. Since this trip, I've heard at least twice a week from a certain teenager living under my roof "dad, my wrist really hurts", to which I'd respond with the proper medical terminology of "you need a straw to suck it up?". Interestingly enough, he goes to see the trainer at school before football practice the other day. Here's the text I got..."terry thinks its broken". Turns out Terry was right. My sweet, precious, innocent 17 year old snowboarded for a couple of days, went to a couple weeks worth of football practices, and lived for 4 weeks with a broken wrist. The nice part is he's got a really cool blue cast!
This is not unlike a few months ago when he kept hacking and coughing and generally feeling crappy. Doctor dad to the rescue. I prescribed plenty of allergy medication, vitamins and rest. 4 weeks later, he has bronchitis & pneumonia! So far, I'm batting 1000. Anybody out there not feeling real well? I'm willing to cut my fee in half to treat you.
I felt I owed him a public appology. So here goes. Ethan, I'm sorry your mother didn't take you to the doctor!
:-)
This is not unlike a few months ago when he kept hacking and coughing and generally feeling crappy. Doctor dad to the rescue. I prescribed plenty of allergy medication, vitamins and rest. 4 weeks later, he has bronchitis & pneumonia! So far, I'm batting 1000. Anybody out there not feeling real well? I'm willing to cut my fee in half to treat you.
I felt I owed him a public appology. So here goes. Ethan, I'm sorry your mother didn't take you to the doctor!
:-)
MILITARY PAY CUT! CONGRESS FULL OF IDIOTS! Full story on page 3
From what I understand and have heard, there were a lot of military families hurt by the brief shot of idiocy last week by our ever knowledgeable and all-knowing government last week. I find this a bit puzzling. What if a company like Ford, or Microsoft, or Google withheld money from their workers paychecks because things were tight, but continued to pay the executives? There would be so much crap flying through the air you couldn't breathe! The governor of whatever state would denounce the company. The senators would demand an investigation. Every media grabbing liberal support group in the country would be on the headlines every 15 minutes demanding action. The President would get personally involved to make sure that the money grubbing, power hungry leaders of the company got what was coming to them.
Anybody see the irony? The government pulls this crap and the only people that even know are the members of the military or their friends & family. The slime-balls that represent the military still got their paychecks! A classic case of "go by what I say, not by what I do". Where's LULAC? NAACP? ACLU? I haven't heard one of 'em say a damn word!
I personally lead by the principle that I won't ever ask somebody to do something that I'm not willing to do myself. Whatever amount of pay that was withheld from the military's paychecks needs to be matched by every person in federal government. If you hold an elected position, you better be willing to give up some moolah to make this right! If you're not willing, you're more of a scum-sucking loser that even I gave you credit for. (and I give you a lot of credit in the scum-sucking losers category) Maybe, just maybe, it's time for all of you s.o.b.'s to stop worrying about your cars, houses, planes, hookers, pimps, dealers and checkbooks, and START worrying about the people who voted you in in the first place!
And another question...shouldn't the person who sits in the highest position of elected authority in this country be doing something about a)the economy, b)the state of our military, c)a billion other things rather than start trying to get re-elected a year and a half before the election? I know it's not just the current President. This is something that has bugged me for years. They spend half of their term trying to get re-elected so they can serve another half a term! Frickin ridiculous.
Sometimes it feels good to step on the soap box!
Anybody see the irony? The government pulls this crap and the only people that even know are the members of the military or their friends & family. The slime-balls that represent the military still got their paychecks! A classic case of "go by what I say, not by what I do". Where's LULAC? NAACP? ACLU? I haven't heard one of 'em say a damn word!
I personally lead by the principle that I won't ever ask somebody to do something that I'm not willing to do myself. Whatever amount of pay that was withheld from the military's paychecks needs to be matched by every person in federal government. If you hold an elected position, you better be willing to give up some moolah to make this right! If you're not willing, you're more of a scum-sucking loser that even I gave you credit for. (and I give you a lot of credit in the scum-sucking losers category) Maybe, just maybe, it's time for all of you s.o.b.'s to stop worrying about your cars, houses, planes, hookers, pimps, dealers and checkbooks, and START worrying about the people who voted you in in the first place!
And another question...shouldn't the person who sits in the highest position of elected authority in this country be doing something about a)the economy, b)the state of our military, c)a billion other things rather than start trying to get re-elected a year and a half before the election? I know it's not just the current President. This is something that has bugged me for years. They spend half of their term trying to get re-elected so they can serve another half a term! Frickin ridiculous.
Sometimes it feels good to step on the soap box!
Thursday, April 14, 2011
My rights
I keep hearing about more and more cities, counties, states, whatever, making their domain a "no-smoking" area. How can you make a whole city smoke free? Aren't we trampling all over the rights of the smokers? Now I don't smoke, & I don't really like the smell of it on my clothes. But the fact remains, If I wanted to go somewhere and have a smoke, I should be able to. I'm not for making every place in the world the smoking section, but if some guy owns a bar, and he wants to let people light up, shouldn't he be allowed to?
Let's say, just for grins that I own a convenience store. (we all know that's not possible because I'm a white male) But let's just say I own a store, and in the back, I wanna have a smoking lounge, where you can come smoke a pack at a time if you want. Some chick lawyer from LULAC comes in & gets offended cuz her clothes got smokey while she was buying her Perrier and ex-lax. She sues me cuz her clothes got smokey. Even though I have a 12 x 16 foot sign that says "Hooka's now available", "If you've got em, smoke em", and "Holy Jiminy theres a Lot of Smoke in Here", she says I've infringed on her rights. What about the rights of the people who want to smoke? My point here is that if you know there's smoking allowed somewhere, and you don't like it, don't go there! Nobody tied her up & carried her into my imaginary store!
You remember the kid when you were in 5th grade that would do crap that he knew he'd get in trouble for? He did it just to see the reaction from his dad, or to see if he could get away with it. He was, in a word, a troublemaker. This is the same kind of mentality that's running this country today. People are looking for their 15 minutes of fame. Politicians don't give a crap about me or you, and in most cases, this country. They just want to be "the man", who knows damn well all he's got to do is serve his term and collect his pension checks!
The basic problem as I see it, is the fact that the entire world has to change the way things have been going forever based on the very vocal minority. We can't pray in schools anymore based on a handful of numb-nuts. Can't display the 10 commandments in courthouses anymore. Can't do a lot of things just because a small group of people got their panties in a wad for whatever reason.
Somewhere around 75% of Americans consider themselves Christians. That's a lot of people. What about them? What if they want to pray in school? I'm sick of the minority always getting the rights, and the majority getting trampled on! It has nothing to do with race or religion. It has everything to do with common sense! Time to grow a pair and buck up to the minority!
Tomorrow, I think I'm gonna go to the courthouse, smoke a cigar, sing Amazing Grace, and take a wizz in the corner!
Let's say, just for grins that I own a convenience store. (we all know that's not possible because I'm a white male) But let's just say I own a store, and in the back, I wanna have a smoking lounge, where you can come smoke a pack at a time if you want. Some chick lawyer from LULAC comes in & gets offended cuz her clothes got smokey while she was buying her Perrier and ex-lax. She sues me cuz her clothes got smokey. Even though I have a 12 x 16 foot sign that says "Hooka's now available", "If you've got em, smoke em", and "Holy Jiminy theres a Lot of Smoke in Here", she says I've infringed on her rights. What about the rights of the people who want to smoke? My point here is that if you know there's smoking allowed somewhere, and you don't like it, don't go there! Nobody tied her up & carried her into my imaginary store!
You remember the kid when you were in 5th grade that would do crap that he knew he'd get in trouble for? He did it just to see the reaction from his dad, or to see if he could get away with it. He was, in a word, a troublemaker. This is the same kind of mentality that's running this country today. People are looking for their 15 minutes of fame. Politicians don't give a crap about me or you, and in most cases, this country. They just want to be "the man", who knows damn well all he's got to do is serve his term and collect his pension checks!
The basic problem as I see it, is the fact that the entire world has to change the way things have been going forever based on the very vocal minority. We can't pray in schools anymore based on a handful of numb-nuts. Can't display the 10 commandments in courthouses anymore. Can't do a lot of things just because a small group of people got their panties in a wad for whatever reason.
Somewhere around 75% of Americans consider themselves Christians. That's a lot of people. What about them? What if they want to pray in school? I'm sick of the minority always getting the rights, and the majority getting trampled on! It has nothing to do with race or religion. It has everything to do with common sense! Time to grow a pair and buck up to the minority!
Tomorrow, I think I'm gonna go to the courthouse, smoke a cigar, sing Amazing Grace, and take a wizz in the corner!
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
FREEDOM!!!
In case you didn't know it, experts have calculated that this is Tax Freedom Day! Woo Hoo!!! How much more could you ask for? Think of all the things you've always wanted to do! Now you can!(I'm not sure who these "experts" are, I just know that they're "experts") Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty, we are free at last! (borrowed from the late great MLK jr.) For the uneducated, this is the day that we've earned enough income as "average" Americans to pay all the taxes we'll pay this year. What that means is that you've worked for 102 days out of 365 just to pay all of your taxes! This of course includes taxes at the state, federal and local levels.
Now that we've got all those pesky politicians salaries paid, we can go out and spend it on something worthwhile! (like a purple monkey lamp, or a Spongebob pillow, or a cute little basket that's perfect for holding wine corks) I don't know about you, but I would vote (if I had the chance) for this particular day to come MUCH earlier in the year! I know that there are some days that you want to come much later in the year (April 15th for instance), but this one needs to arrive sooner! How bout, say January 5th?
You see, I don't much like working almost a full 1/3 of the year just to pay taxes for stuff like the Welfare program, or to bomb some other 3rd world country. I have absolutely no issue paying some tax dollars to keep our military strong, but I have a HUGE issue with paying taxes for politicians to run around the world on their own private little jet, pushing their own little private agenda's, with their own little private army of hanger's on!
And how 'bout the thrill of paying your hard-earned money so that we can educate middle schoolers on the dangers of un-protected sex (thought this was what parents were for), or elementary school students on the fact that tobacco is a drug and almost as dangerous as heroin (at least that is what it would seem judging by the lecture I once received from a 3rd grader). Or how about making the entire world better by paying for the medical care of every illegal immigrant that might happen to end up in America right about the same time her baby's due!
Here's my challenge to every elected member of our government, either state or federal: bend over, reach between your legs, and pull your head out of your ass long enough to realize that you can't get the government out of debt by raising taxes! The math doesn't work!(I own a $1.99 calculator and I could figure this one out) When you find yourself in a financial hole at your house, what do you do? Do you get a 2nd job? Do you get a better job? Do you cut your spending? Most of the time, it's the latter. You realize you can't afford to pay for both ballet classes and square dance lessons, so you choose which one you want to do more! You find a cheaper apartment. You decide you can do without the $5 per cup Starbucks for a couple of weeks. You fire the butler and cancel the lease on the Bentley. Whatever it is, most normal people figure out how to do it! Congress, ACT LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE!!!
Figure out that sooner or later you're going to tax everybody in this country to the point of anarchy! The establishment will feel the brunt of 300 million Americans pushed over the edge. The "tea-party revolution" will feel like a game of Chutes & Ladders compared to the demonstrations that will take place when no one can afford to buy their Lucky Charms! I hope I'm around to see it! Cuz I'll laugh!
Now that we've got all those pesky politicians salaries paid, we can go out and spend it on something worthwhile! (like a purple monkey lamp, or a Spongebob pillow, or a cute little basket that's perfect for holding wine corks) I don't know about you, but I would vote (if I had the chance) for this particular day to come MUCH earlier in the year! I know that there are some days that you want to come much later in the year (April 15th for instance), but this one needs to arrive sooner! How bout, say January 5th?
You see, I don't much like working almost a full 1/3 of the year just to pay taxes for stuff like the Welfare program, or to bomb some other 3rd world country. I have absolutely no issue paying some tax dollars to keep our military strong, but I have a HUGE issue with paying taxes for politicians to run around the world on their own private little jet, pushing their own little private agenda's, with their own little private army of hanger's on!
And how 'bout the thrill of paying your hard-earned money so that we can educate middle schoolers on the dangers of un-protected sex (thought this was what parents were for), or elementary school students on the fact that tobacco is a drug and almost as dangerous as heroin (at least that is what it would seem judging by the lecture I once received from a 3rd grader). Or how about making the entire world better by paying for the medical care of every illegal immigrant that might happen to end up in America right about the same time her baby's due!
Here's my challenge to every elected member of our government, either state or federal: bend over, reach between your legs, and pull your head out of your ass long enough to realize that you can't get the government out of debt by raising taxes! The math doesn't work!(I own a $1.99 calculator and I could figure this one out) When you find yourself in a financial hole at your house, what do you do? Do you get a 2nd job? Do you get a better job? Do you cut your spending? Most of the time, it's the latter. You realize you can't afford to pay for both ballet classes and square dance lessons, so you choose which one you want to do more! You find a cheaper apartment. You decide you can do without the $5 per cup Starbucks for a couple of weeks. You fire the butler and cancel the lease on the Bentley. Whatever it is, most normal people figure out how to do it! Congress, ACT LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE!!!
Figure out that sooner or later you're going to tax everybody in this country to the point of anarchy! The establishment will feel the brunt of 300 million Americans pushed over the edge. The "tea-party revolution" will feel like a game of Chutes & Ladders compared to the demonstrations that will take place when no one can afford to buy their Lucky Charms! I hope I'm around to see it! Cuz I'll laugh!
Monday, April 11, 2011
Titles
Went to a fun-filled Fiesta event on Friday night.(for those of you who don't know, Fiesta is a big-ass, 2-week long party in San Antonio) While there, I started noticing workers wearing various t-shirts. There was "Vendor" which I'm assuming are the people that work the booths. There was the one that said "Clean-up Crew", which I kinda figured out was the people that clean up, but my personal favorite was the one that read "Trash Engineer". Apparantly a "Trash Engineer" is a step above a lowly "Clean-up Crew" member. I'm assuming they went to some special schooling somewhere to learn the in-depth ins & outs of carrying around those black plastic bags.(I have a BS from Rubbish University) I'm guessing they don't have to do any of the mundane tasks like sweep or mop.(reserved for the clean-up crew) They are more of a technical breed. They demand excellence.
So why the title? When I was in high-school a few years back, one of my cousins got a summer job as an "Irrigation Engineer". Turns out he worked in a rice field, and his job was to use a hoe (the kind you chop with, not the kind you have, well you know...) to cut a gap in the dyke and let the water flood into the next field. But he had a title.
You can't call somebody a Secretary now, has to be Administrative Assistant. How about a cashier at the local fast food place? Now they are a Customer Service Specialist. Somebody that works in the maintenance department at your apartment building? Not a Maintenance Man. Not a Maintenance Person. But a Maintenance Engineer.
When did titles become so important? I've personally always held the belief that I don't care what you call me as long as the check doesn't bounce. I have seen it happen where if somebody gets a promotion in a department, other people get a title! Now that's just down-right silly! Kinda goes back to the whole concept of not keeping score in Little League games. The kids know who wins! Don't want Hector to get offended that Luis got a raise and a promotion, so we'll give Hector a title to make him feel better. How bout using this instead; "Hector, we appreciate all you continue to do for us, but Luis has just outperformed you in all aspects of your job. My advice to you is to work harder and smarter, and maybe you can get a raise and a promotion".
It used to be that titles meant something. An engineer was somebody that went to school for a long time, passed a big, hard test, and then worked for a while to gain knowledge.(or the guy who drove the train) A "specialist" was somebody that had studied (either in school or on the job) for a long time and was the best in that field. A title, in some ways described you. I think the whole "title of the month" idea is for the birds. It has kind of diminished things for those that do have a fancy title. Like me. I'm known as the "Crap-Catcher". Actually says that on my business cards. Makes me feel special!
So why the title? When I was in high-school a few years back, one of my cousins got a summer job as an "Irrigation Engineer". Turns out he worked in a rice field, and his job was to use a hoe (the kind you chop with, not the kind you have, well you know...) to cut a gap in the dyke and let the water flood into the next field. But he had a title.
You can't call somebody a Secretary now, has to be Administrative Assistant. How about a cashier at the local fast food place? Now they are a Customer Service Specialist. Somebody that works in the maintenance department at your apartment building? Not a Maintenance Man. Not a Maintenance Person. But a Maintenance Engineer.
When did titles become so important? I've personally always held the belief that I don't care what you call me as long as the check doesn't bounce. I have seen it happen where if somebody gets a promotion in a department, other people get a title! Now that's just down-right silly! Kinda goes back to the whole concept of not keeping score in Little League games. The kids know who wins! Don't want Hector to get offended that Luis got a raise and a promotion, so we'll give Hector a title to make him feel better. How bout using this instead; "Hector, we appreciate all you continue to do for us, but Luis has just outperformed you in all aspects of your job. My advice to you is to work harder and smarter, and maybe you can get a raise and a promotion".
It used to be that titles meant something. An engineer was somebody that went to school for a long time, passed a big, hard test, and then worked for a while to gain knowledge.(or the guy who drove the train) A "specialist" was somebody that had studied (either in school or on the job) for a long time and was the best in that field. A title, in some ways described you. I think the whole "title of the month" idea is for the birds. It has kind of diminished things for those that do have a fancy title. Like me. I'm known as the "Crap-Catcher". Actually says that on my business cards. Makes me feel special!
Friday, April 8, 2011
SHUT-DOWN LOOMS!!!
So, the government is going to shut down, huh? It's about time! I've been secretely wishing it would happen for at least the last 10 years! And on the eve of tax day! How much better can this entire scenario get?
I know unfortunately, some of the people that need their paychecks might get hurt. I'm talking about the military. I don't think there's anybody else in government that deserves a paycheck.(Except the kind lady at DPS who refunded my money for my drivers record when it was charged twice) Apparantly, there was some type of bill being kicked around to assure the troops they would get paid, but then the congress decided that they are essential to the welfare of this country also, so they (congress) needed to continue to receive their checks also. Well kiss my ass! If you bunch of buffoons in the pinstripes and red ties hadn't screwed the pooch in the first place, we wouldn't even be talking about this!
I say for every day the government is shut down, take $5000 per year out of every congressman's salary. Bet it wouldn't be shut down for 2 hours. Better yet, shut the government down, but make them go to Afghanistan and hang out with the true government employees! Put every one of the Bozo's on the front of a Humvee and drive through the streets shouting "Screw Allah", "Your Wife's a Whore", "Bin Laden's a Homo", and "I'm an Infidel". I'm thinking their whole idea of government service would change drastically!
Gonna shut down the government. Maybe it's just me, but I'm betting there are at least a couple other people out there that are begging for the government to shut down. Don't fret, it's not going to happen. This is all for the benefit of us "dumb, uneducated normal folks". They are counting on us watching the news and getting upset at whatever political party is being blamed for it at the moment. It's like watching a bunch of 3 year olds having an argument. You know they're arguing about the most random thing, and there's never going to be a solution, but, like a car wreck, you just can't help watching.
So what would happen if the government shut down? Would taxes still be due? Would all the airplanes be grounded? Would Obama get re-elected? (if not, this might be the biggest benefit of a shutdown) I'm pretty sure it wouldn't change my lifestyle one bit. I don't rely on the government for my rice & beans.(or sushi as the case may be) I don't get my housing from the government. I don't get daycare, clothes, busfare, gas or really anything from the government. All I do is pay. And pay. And pay.
Did you know that 33.5% of every tax dollar you pay goes to Medicare and Social Security? How bout this one...9.3% goes for low-income assistance, but only 3.1% to Veteran's Affairs! We spend more on the management of federal employees and buildings (1.4%) than we do on Agriculture(.7%)! I've been known to do some pretty stupid stuff with money before, but crap, I look like Warren Buffet compared to these clowns! But I guess I shouldn't refer to them as idiots. Or clowns. Or morons. Or buffoons. After all, we're the ones that keep on electing them!
Kinda makes you feel like Ronald McDonald, huh?
I know unfortunately, some of the people that need their paychecks might get hurt. I'm talking about the military. I don't think there's anybody else in government that deserves a paycheck.(Except the kind lady at DPS who refunded my money for my drivers record when it was charged twice) Apparantly, there was some type of bill being kicked around to assure the troops they would get paid, but then the congress decided that they are essential to the welfare of this country also, so they (congress) needed to continue to receive their checks also. Well kiss my ass! If you bunch of buffoons in the pinstripes and red ties hadn't screwed the pooch in the first place, we wouldn't even be talking about this!
I say for every day the government is shut down, take $5000 per year out of every congressman's salary. Bet it wouldn't be shut down for 2 hours. Better yet, shut the government down, but make them go to Afghanistan and hang out with the true government employees! Put every one of the Bozo's on the front of a Humvee and drive through the streets shouting "Screw Allah", "Your Wife's a Whore", "Bin Laden's a Homo", and "I'm an Infidel". I'm thinking their whole idea of government service would change drastically!
Gonna shut down the government. Maybe it's just me, but I'm betting there are at least a couple other people out there that are begging for the government to shut down. Don't fret, it's not going to happen. This is all for the benefit of us "dumb, uneducated normal folks". They are counting on us watching the news and getting upset at whatever political party is being blamed for it at the moment. It's like watching a bunch of 3 year olds having an argument. You know they're arguing about the most random thing, and there's never going to be a solution, but, like a car wreck, you just can't help watching.
So what would happen if the government shut down? Would taxes still be due? Would all the airplanes be grounded? Would Obama get re-elected? (if not, this might be the biggest benefit of a shutdown) I'm pretty sure it wouldn't change my lifestyle one bit. I don't rely on the government for my rice & beans.(or sushi as the case may be) I don't get my housing from the government. I don't get daycare, clothes, busfare, gas or really anything from the government. All I do is pay. And pay. And pay.
Did you know that 33.5% of every tax dollar you pay goes to Medicare and Social Security? How bout this one...9.3% goes for low-income assistance, but only 3.1% to Veteran's Affairs! We spend more on the management of federal employees and buildings (1.4%) than we do on Agriculture(.7%)! I've been known to do some pretty stupid stuff with money before, but crap, I look like Warren Buffet compared to these clowns! But I guess I shouldn't refer to them as idiots. Or clowns. Or morons. Or buffoons. After all, we're the ones that keep on electing them!
Kinda makes you feel like Ronald McDonald, huh?
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Accompanied the youngest tax deduction on a field trip today with his class. Went to a Nature Center and learned a lot about, what else, nature! I was particularly struck by the talk about migration. He mentioned ducks & whooping cranes, butterfly's and deer. But he said nothing about hair! Now don't be thinking I've lost my marbles. I firmly believe this is a something that we as a scientific community should research! My hair is steadily migrating toward my back. My pal Redfish is also experiencing this phenomenon. (in a much more drastic fashion!) I'm hoping that at some point, it decides to complete the cycle and return to the point of origin, but I may just be hoping!
So what are some other things that migrate, you ask? How about a woman's boobs? They seem to migrate toward the knees, though hopefully they never reach their final destination! My bank account seems to be in a pretty serious southbound migration. (might have something to do with #1 tax deduction and cars, proms, sports, and "the general fund") Common sense in this country has definitely migrated south, to perhaps never return. Personal responsibility has also moved on, though I have hopes that this one will complete the trek safely, and return to it's magnificent home here in the hearts and minds of all the people!
We also learned today that anytime you give a group of 9 year old boys each a net, and tell them to go to the creek and scoop up stuff, somebody's gonna get wet! (turns out 2 somebody's got wet) Also learned that the stuff they scoop up is not necessarily what the kind little tour guide had in mind when she innocently handed them their nets! ("I said DON'T SCOOP UP ANY MOSS!") Also learned that 9 year old boys all think that it's funny to see a tadpole growing one of it's legs and to shout out for all the happy world to hear "look, theres it's penis". (Would've seemed a lot funnier if I wasn't the only male in a group of 23 women)
And who can forget the talk on Poison Ivy? And how cute was it for all the little kids to listen intently and keep their hands in their pockets, and walk WAY around it, only to see one of the adults reach out and touch it and say "it's kind of soft". And you're kind of stoopid! That's like saying, I'm not sure if this glowing ember is hot, think I'll pick it up to see!
Pretty good trip all & all. The best part was getting to hang with the rugrat, and knowing that he liked being the only one with Dad there!
So what are some other things that migrate, you ask? How about a woman's boobs? They seem to migrate toward the knees, though hopefully they never reach their final destination! My bank account seems to be in a pretty serious southbound migration. (might have something to do with #1 tax deduction and cars, proms, sports, and "the general fund") Common sense in this country has definitely migrated south, to perhaps never return. Personal responsibility has also moved on, though I have hopes that this one will complete the trek safely, and return to it's magnificent home here in the hearts and minds of all the people!
We also learned today that anytime you give a group of 9 year old boys each a net, and tell them to go to the creek and scoop up stuff, somebody's gonna get wet! (turns out 2 somebody's got wet) Also learned that the stuff they scoop up is not necessarily what the kind little tour guide had in mind when she innocently handed them their nets! ("I said DON'T SCOOP UP ANY MOSS!") Also learned that 9 year old boys all think that it's funny to see a tadpole growing one of it's legs and to shout out for all the happy world to hear "look, theres it's penis". (Would've seemed a lot funnier if I wasn't the only male in a group of 23 women)
And who can forget the talk on Poison Ivy? And how cute was it for all the little kids to listen intently and keep their hands in their pockets, and walk WAY around it, only to see one of the adults reach out and touch it and say "it's kind of soft". And you're kind of stoopid! That's like saying, I'm not sure if this glowing ember is hot, think I'll pick it up to see!
Pretty good trip all & all. The best part was getting to hang with the rugrat, and knowing that he liked being the only one with Dad there!
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