Had the opportunity to spend a few days with the youngest tax deduction at a water park recently. A water park is a very educational place. (for those of you who don't know, a water park is NOT a playground with a swingset and teeter-totter that's been recently rained on, but a playground built and designed around getting wet) Did I mention that a water park is an educational place? Well, it is. For instance, I learned that there are absolutely no tattoos that are off limits to some people.

I have nothing against body art, but seriously, do you really want your grandkids one day looking at a tattoo of Frankenstein doing the un-mentionable to his bride? That's right folks, I saw a tattoo on the back of a guy that was Frankenstein getting jiggy with his bride. Although this might have been the lowest of the low, there were a whole bunch vying for second place! I saw a goat's head tattoo! (really? WTH were you thinking?) I saw lots of devil tattoos. I saw lots of cross tattoos. I saw LOTS of bad tattoos! Old tattoos, new tattoos, bad tattoos, good tattoos (there were a few!) (USMC and the tribute to the fallen soldier, gun upside down in combat boots with the helmet hanging on the gun, were a couple of my favorites). Lots of basic black tattoos, and several in full color.

I also learned that the best way to feel better about yourself is to go to a waterpark. Take off your shirt and walk around a while! I promise you, as out of shape as you might be, you've still got a LONG ways to go before you're the worst "in shape". (unless you consider a slightly off center pile of compost a "shape") I mean, people, come on now. If you have to ride the electric scooter to the water park because your so fat, YOU SHOULDN'T BE AT A WATERPARK!!!!!!! I saw more flesh in the last couple of days than Hugh Hefner has in the last twenty years!

Which leads me to piercings. Again, I have no issue with people that want to pierce miscellaneous body parts. Not my cup of tea, but hey, to each their own. But i still don't understand why anybody thinks it would be a good idea to look like a native of some African village! Do you really want to put the 2" gauges in your ears? Sooner or later you're gonna want to take them out, and your earlobes hanging down to your shoulders isn't really a good look! And if you look like a bean-bag chair with a beach ball in it, it's probably not the best idea to get your belly button pierced! (I don't even know if it was her belly button! She might have just said to the guy, just pick a roll and pierce it!) (which leads me to a question I've had for quite a while...If you have a nose piercing and you don't have the ring in, and you sneeze, does snot come out the hole?)

Another thing I learned was that a lot of people really love their 6 month olds and want them to experience waterparks too! Here's a newsflash! If your kid isn't old enough to walk, you're a dumb-ass to take them to a waterpark! Really? You want to put your infant in a life jacket and stick him(or her) in an innertube and let them float around the river thingy with the rapids? You have to be a special kind of idiot to think that's a good idea! And even worse, when the ride attendant tells you that your precious little bundle of joy can't go down the big slide with you, don't go! It's not the time to get 9 degrees of righteous on his ass for doing his job, trying to protect your baby! Use the space between your ears for once and realize that (A)The kid is just doing his job, and (B)You're a dumb-ass for even considering it!

Clearly, there are a lot of twisted, sick, confused, screwed up people out there! It makes me feel better about myself just knowing that I'm not THE MOST twisted sick confused and screwed up person out there!

A sad little tale, from a sad little man...

I have a question. Why don't they have pet plastic surgeons? I mean, who among us doesn't know a cute little beagle who's had one two many batches of puppies. She's got to be feeling a little bit self conscious about her, you know, "condition". You can see it in the way she walks. Not only does she look sad, she steps on her lady parts with every step. Think about it, we could do a little reality show about "Dr. Bob" (not his real name) helping out the poor pets of the world who just need a little help. Imagine Ty Pennington's voice from that "let's build them a new house" show saying, "Pootie has been a great dog, for a long, long time. But she had just gotten to the point where she didn't feel good about herself (cue sappy music here). No puppy needs to feel like this. That's why we're here. We're here to help the Pooties of the World".

Or what about Pet Psychologists? Well, yes indeedy, every pet needs to go see a counselor from time to time. Get a little puppy Prozac. I think there are really such a thing as Pet Psychologists, and I find that a little disturbing. I mean, what the hell does the family pet have to be depressed about? If you've ever seen any of my dogs, you know what I mean! They get fed every day, fresh water, get to lay around on the furniture in the a/c all day, then when ol' Johnny Boy rolls in, they come to me tails a-waggin, smiling, just wanting a little rubbin!

Now what my dogs probably need is a good doggie Dentist! Do a little something about that gingivitis! Breath smells like they just licked an Ass. Oh wait, they did.

Puppy massage therapist maybe? "Hey there, can you work on my Pootie's shoulders please. She's had an issue ever since the surgeon mistook her dog warts for, well, you know, her lady parts. She seems a little stressed out, which reminds me, i need to get her meds refilled".

But in all seriousness, what about the plastic surgeon deal? I had a dog that got his, uh, daddy dog parts stuck in a fence one time. Left a big nasty scar where you don't want a scar. He could have used a little help feeling better about himself. Imagine the looks he must have gotten from all the ladies. He could just hear them talking about "the scar", and wondering if his daddy dog parts still worked. "Dang, if it weren't for this scar, I'd have chicks lined up for miles waiting for me!" Then he died. Probably from a broken heart. A broken heart that could have been repaired. Death, from want of a plastic surgeon.