I won, I won!!!

Is it just me, or is there some kind of awards show on TV every other weekend? We've got the Oscars, the Emmy's, the SAG awards, the Grammy's, the Whammy's (no whammy, no whammy, big money). The question is why? There are a bunch of awards that I don't care about, presented to a bunch of people I don't care about, On a red carpet that I don't care about, in a bunch of designer duds that I don't care about, by a bunch of people I don't care about. Seems like an enormous waste of time.

I will admit that I watched the Oscars last night for about 13 minutes.(then I watched a Malcolm in The Middle re-run) The one award I do remember watching was when the chick dropped the F-bomb on national TV. Maybe I should've watched more?

I've decided that I need to come up with an acceptance speech, just in case I ever get on national TV to accept an award. (don't wanna lose track and get censored) It's going to go something like this:

I want to thank God & my Family, both for putting up with me all these years.

On second thought, that might be too boring, so let's try something like this:

I wanna thank Wesley Hardin, who taught me how to whistle when I was in 3rd grade. I need to thank Mr. Riggins, for loaning me that pencil in 5th grade to take my math test (which I flunked. Thanks) Who can forget Nurse Lancaster, who helped me through the struggles of dengue fever. All my army buddies who were with me in Normandy, (that was really something, huh!) Mr. Gordon Jefferson, who was right beside me the whole time I was held hostage by the Somali pirates, Jacob Einstein, who took my Calculus tests for me. (so many to thank, so many) My dog Boomer has been a tremendous inspiration for many years, and has helped me to understand the importance of regular flatulance. Daisy, Cooper, you know without me having to embarass myself to say it. Thanks to Officer O'Grady, who, without his tireless directing of traffic, I would have been even more late than I already was. (who knew they wouldn't have valet parking?) Last, but certainly not least, I want to thank the guy that invented the BLT sandwich. Does it get any better than a big, thick BLT?

Many of you are probably thinking, WOW! I hope he never wins an award! Chances are, you probably don't have a lot to worry about. The last award I won was for least hairy legs in a group or duo. Fortunately, it didn't require a speech.