Is it just me, or is there some kind of awards show on TV every other weekend? We've got the Oscars, the Emmy's, the SAG awards, the Grammy's, the Whammy's (no whammy, no whammy, big money). The question is why? There are a bunch of awards that I don't care about, presented to a bunch of people I don't care about, On a red carpet that I don't care about, in a bunch of designer duds that I don't care about, by a bunch of people I don't care about. Seems like an enormous waste of time.
I will admit that I watched the Oscars last night for about 13 minutes.(then I watched a Malcolm in The Middle re-run) The one award I do remember watching was when the chick dropped the F-bomb on national TV. Maybe I should've watched more?
I've decided that I need to come up with an acceptance speech, just in case I ever get on national TV to accept an award. (don't wanna lose track and get censored) It's going to go something like this:
I want to thank God & my Family, both for putting up with me all these years.
On second thought, that might be too boring, so let's try something like this:
I wanna thank Wesley Hardin, who taught me how to whistle when I was in 3rd grade. I need to thank Mr. Riggins, for loaning me that pencil in 5th grade to take my math test (which I flunked. Thanks) Who can forget Nurse Lancaster, who helped me through the struggles of dengue fever. All my army buddies who were with me in Normandy, (that was really something, huh!) Mr. Gordon Jefferson, who was right beside me the whole time I was held hostage by the Somali pirates, Jacob Einstein, who took my Calculus tests for me. (so many to thank, so many) My dog Boomer has been a tremendous inspiration for many years, and has helped me to understand the importance of regular flatulance. Daisy, Cooper, you know without me having to embarass myself to say it. Thanks to Officer O'Grady, who, without his tireless directing of traffic, I would have been even more late than I already was. (who knew they wouldn't have valet parking?) Last, but certainly not least, I want to thank the guy that invented the BLT sandwich. Does it get any better than a big, thick BLT?
Many of you are probably thinking, WOW! I hope he never wins an award! Chances are, you probably don't have a lot to worry about. The last award I won was for least hairy legs in a group or duo. Fortunately, it didn't require a speech.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
This is a NO WHINING zone!
I have a sign in my office that says "Thou shalt not whine". Sounds very 10 commandmenty. In my opinion, this one should have been on the list. Shoulda been the 11 commandments. (but then the tablets would have been different sized, and Charlton Heston would have probably fallen off the mountain) By the way, whenever you hear about the 10 commandments or Moses, do you automatically think of Charlton Heston? I do too.
It's like I told offspring #1 last night. He was whining about a certain coach who is a pain in the backside, and trying to decide what to do next year so he can get in off-season training. I had to tell him "do something about it. Make a decision. Don't sit around and bitch and moan, do something to make your life different". Too many times, all we ever do about life is complain and whine. You don't like your job, go find a new one. You don't like your spouse, go find a new one or go to counseling to work it out. Don't like your kids, tough crap. You're stuck with 'em!
There are always times when our jobs aren't the favorite parts of our lives. Guess what? At least we have jobs! Be thankful for that. If you don't like it, do something about it. Figure out a way to make it more enjoyable. Find a new one like I said. But don't sit around whining about it. It doesn't make it better! It just makes you bitter! (and truth be told, kinda makes you appear a little loserly)
My favorite movie line comes from the classic Clint Eastwood movie "The Good, The Bad and The Ugly" There's a scene where one guy shoots another, then looks at him and says "If you gotta shoot, shoot. Don't talk." I kinda think this is the basic lesson in life. If there's something you need to do, do it. Don't talk about doing it. Don't whine about doing it. Do it.
And now, back to our regularly scheduled programming.
It's like I told offspring #1 last night. He was whining about a certain coach who is a pain in the backside, and trying to decide what to do next year so he can get in off-season training. I had to tell him "do something about it. Make a decision. Don't sit around and bitch and moan, do something to make your life different". Too many times, all we ever do about life is complain and whine. You don't like your job, go find a new one. You don't like your spouse, go find a new one or go to counseling to work it out. Don't like your kids, tough crap. You're stuck with 'em!
There are always times when our jobs aren't the favorite parts of our lives. Guess what? At least we have jobs! Be thankful for that. If you don't like it, do something about it. Figure out a way to make it more enjoyable. Find a new one like I said. But don't sit around whining about it. It doesn't make it better! It just makes you bitter! (and truth be told, kinda makes you appear a little loserly)
My favorite movie line comes from the classic Clint Eastwood movie "The Good, The Bad and The Ugly" There's a scene where one guy shoots another, then looks at him and says "If you gotta shoot, shoot. Don't talk." I kinda think this is the basic lesson in life. If there's something you need to do, do it. Don't talk about doing it. Don't whine about doing it. Do it.
And now, back to our regularly scheduled programming.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
I have a question for you...when you stand in line for 10 minutes at a restaurant, do you look over the menu and maybe, just maybe try to have a decision ready for the 17 year old assistant manager working the register? Or are you more like one of the MORONS that stand there flapping their gums until they get to the counter, then they say "now, what do I want?". I don't know what you want, but what I want is a big-ass club so I can hit you square in the head! You've had 10 damn minutes to read the board. There are people in line behind you that might be in a hurry. Or hungry. Or impatient.
The bottom line is this. I don't like inconsiderate people unless it's me! (truth be known, I'm not real high on my own list a lot of time) When you first walk up, decide what you want. Then, and only then, feel free to talk to Esmerelda about how disgusting the wad of hair was that you pulled out of your drain this morning, or how you think it's a shame Ricky Martin's gay, or whatever the hell you wanna talk about. But don't make me wait in line cuz you're inconsiderate.
As my buddy Kelrod often says, "people suck". (I'm paraphrasing of course) He related to me recently how he had to go by the bank. He got in the shortest line, only to find out that the calorie hoarder in front of him still had to fill out a deposit slip, endorse the check, check the eye-liner, put on lipstick and brush the wig. 5 people could have gone through the line in the meantime, but hey, at least she looked good, right? (relatively speaking I guess. Looked good to who? or what?) Again, inconsiderate! (her actions, not my comments) (maybe my comments too) (probably my comments) (who cares, it's my blog) (still haven't figured out what "blog" stands for) (if anybody actually knows what "blog" stands for, can you comment) (you can comment even if you don't know) (don't feel like the only way you can comment is if you know) (it's not)
Be aware of your surroundings. If somebody's coming in the door behind you, hold it open. If somebody's in a hurry, and you're not, let them go first. Be considerate of other people and their time. Don't be a Cotton-Headed Ninny Muggin!
Don't even get me started on the Mexican National continent. I'm gonna get me a cattle prod just for Easter time. Every time one of them south-of-the border, messkin speakin sum-bucks cuts me off in line at Target, ZAP! They talk on their cell-phone way too loud in a restaurant, ZAP! They let their kids cut in line at the movies, ZAP! If your "wonderful country" is such a wonderful place, why do you have to come to my country to shop? And then treat me rudely?
And I know you have money. You don't need to pull out the big daddy roll of Benjamin's in front of me to prove it. I could tell judging by the rock on your old-lady's finger. And the Mercedes. And the Oakley's your 6 year old is wearing. Bet you don't dress like that when you go to the store in your country, do you? Be missing a finger if you do.
So what have we learned here? Just like they teach you when you're 4. Be nice to each other. Treat each other with respect. Don't let uncle Johnny too close to the Egg-nog at Christmas time. And don't piss me off. Or your name will be in here next!
The bottom line is this. I don't like inconsiderate people unless it's me! (truth be known, I'm not real high on my own list a lot of time) When you first walk up, decide what you want. Then, and only then, feel free to talk to Esmerelda about how disgusting the wad of hair was that you pulled out of your drain this morning, or how you think it's a shame Ricky Martin's gay, or whatever the hell you wanna talk about. But don't make me wait in line cuz you're inconsiderate.
As my buddy Kelrod often says, "people suck". (I'm paraphrasing of course) He related to me recently how he had to go by the bank. He got in the shortest line, only to find out that the calorie hoarder in front of him still had to fill out a deposit slip, endorse the check, check the eye-liner, put on lipstick and brush the wig. 5 people could have gone through the line in the meantime, but hey, at least she looked good, right? (relatively speaking I guess. Looked good to who? or what?) Again, inconsiderate! (her actions, not my comments) (maybe my comments too) (probably my comments) (who cares, it's my blog) (still haven't figured out what "blog" stands for) (if anybody actually knows what "blog" stands for, can you comment) (you can comment even if you don't know) (don't feel like the only way you can comment is if you know) (it's not)
Be aware of your surroundings. If somebody's coming in the door behind you, hold it open. If somebody's in a hurry, and you're not, let them go first. Be considerate of other people and their time. Don't be a Cotton-Headed Ninny Muggin!
Don't even get me started on the Mexican National continent. I'm gonna get me a cattle prod just for Easter time. Every time one of them south-of-the border, messkin speakin sum-bucks cuts me off in line at Target, ZAP! They talk on their cell-phone way too loud in a restaurant, ZAP! They let their kids cut in line at the movies, ZAP! If your "wonderful country" is such a wonderful place, why do you have to come to my country to shop? And then treat me rudely?
And I know you have money. You don't need to pull out the big daddy roll of Benjamin's in front of me to prove it. I could tell judging by the rock on your old-lady's finger. And the Mercedes. And the Oakley's your 6 year old is wearing. Bet you don't dress like that when you go to the store in your country, do you? Be missing a finger if you do.
So what have we learned here? Just like they teach you when you're 4. Be nice to each other. Treat each other with respect. Don't let uncle Johnny too close to the Egg-nog at Christmas time. And don't piss me off. Or your name will be in here next!
Monday, February 21, 2011
8 going on 18
My sweet, precious, innocent 8 year old son is often the source of much laughter, giggling, exasperation, frustration and "huh?" moments. A few days ago, here was the converasation;
8 year old - "mom, when am I gonna get to have periods"
Mom - "um, well. Um, well. Ya see..."
8 year old - "cuz I wanna have periods and change classes like my brother"
It's often easy to forget about the innocence in our lives. (Wow, that sounds stupid, and more than a little on the effeminate side) What I mean to say is, sometimes it takes a kid, with a kids view on things to put stuff into perspective. Like when, right before Christmas, we got a Christmas card from the Governor's office. I showed it to the big brother first, lying the whole time about how we went to college together (he's only about 15 years older than me) and how we were big buddies. He finally gets the truth out of me, which was, I have no frickin clue why we got the card. It's not because of the huge campaign contributions!
Then the 8 year old wanders into the room. Older brother shows him the card and says "Dad is friends with the Governor." What does the kid say? If you guessed "wow dad! How cool is that!" you'd be wrong. If you think it was along the lines of "can we go see him sometime?" wrong again! Not even "impressive, let's eat". No. What did my precious offspring say? "So if dad ever get's thrown in jail, we've got someone to call". WTH? Kelly, you been talking to him?
Right along the lines of when he was 4 and got in my truck and promptly said "damn your truck is dirty". I attribute all of his bad habits and dirty word usage to his mom. You know he didn't hear it from me, because it didn't have enough adjectives in the phrase.
8 year old - "mom, when am I gonna get to have periods"
Mom - "um, well. Um, well. Ya see..."
8 year old - "cuz I wanna have periods and change classes like my brother"
It's often easy to forget about the innocence in our lives. (Wow, that sounds stupid, and more than a little on the effeminate side) What I mean to say is, sometimes it takes a kid, with a kids view on things to put stuff into perspective. Like when, right before Christmas, we got a Christmas card from the Governor's office. I showed it to the big brother first, lying the whole time about how we went to college together (he's only about 15 years older than me) and how we were big buddies. He finally gets the truth out of me, which was, I have no frickin clue why we got the card. It's not because of the huge campaign contributions!
Then the 8 year old wanders into the room. Older brother shows him the card and says "Dad is friends with the Governor." What does the kid say? If you guessed "wow dad! How cool is that!" you'd be wrong. If you think it was along the lines of "can we go see him sometime?" wrong again! Not even "impressive, let's eat". No. What did my precious offspring say? "So if dad ever get's thrown in jail, we've got someone to call". WTH? Kelly, you been talking to him?
Right along the lines of when he was 4 and got in my truck and promptly said "damn your truck is dirty". I attribute all of his bad habits and dirty word usage to his mom. You know he didn't hear it from me, because it didn't have enough adjectives in the phrase.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
COOKIES!
So, as I walk into my favorite store that ends in "Mart", I'm accosted by this contingent of giggling little future mayhem causers trying to sell me cookies. I don't want to print the name of the organization that they were affiliated with due to possible difficulties with copyright laws, but the name rhymes with Whirl Stouts. So there I am, being drug over to a big ole table full of cookies. I tell 'em I'll take 2 boxes (cuz I'm a sucker) and this little kid tells me it'll be 7 bucks! SEVEN FRICKIN DOLLARS for 2 boxes of cookies! I told her to keep her damn cookies! Then she tried the whole crying routine. Almost pissed me off! I had to look that kid in the eye and tell her "Biotch, please! Me buying your cookies ain't gonna make your momma and daddy get back together! And besides, for seven bucks I could buy a whole case of Milwaukee's Best!"
Okay, I'm lying about that whole incident.
Truth is I really am a sucker for Girl Scout cookies! When they see me coming, them little girls in the green dresses go nuts! I do think they're pretty highly priced, but dadgum, take a bite out of a Thin Mint, or a Do Si Do and tell me that's not heaven! My question is this; why are they only available once a year? And why are the inside packages now this foily kind of stuff instead of clear celophane? Is there a big "cookie fix"? Is this some kind of a plot by the "family" to elbow out the Girl Scouts, and start selling "Guido Group" cookies? My personal favorites would be the Frankie (basic chocolate chip cookie with white fudge topping), or the Vinnie (key lime cookie with Macadamia nuts). Ummmmmmmmm. I can almost taste them.
Can't you imagine little Tommy comin by to sell you cookies. He's the only 7 year old on the block with a black pinstripe suit and slicked back hair. "Hey, you wanna buy some of these cookies? Naw? Naw? I think you might want to reconsider that my friend. These are really good cookies. My own mother made these cookies, God rest her soul. Now you tellin me that you're too good to eat these cookies? Fuggidaboutit! You're gonna take 5 boxes. And you gotta throw in a dolla extra for the protection." (this works better if you read it in an accent. Think a younger Al Pacino from The Godfather. Younger like in 8)
Truth is, I've only bought one box this year. But the year's not over yet!
Okay, I'm lying about that whole incident.
Truth is I really am a sucker for Girl Scout cookies! When they see me coming, them little girls in the green dresses go nuts! I do think they're pretty highly priced, but dadgum, take a bite out of a Thin Mint, or a Do Si Do and tell me that's not heaven! My question is this; why are they only available once a year? And why are the inside packages now this foily kind of stuff instead of clear celophane? Is there a big "cookie fix"? Is this some kind of a plot by the "family" to elbow out the Girl Scouts, and start selling "Guido Group" cookies? My personal favorites would be the Frankie (basic chocolate chip cookie with white fudge topping), or the Vinnie (key lime cookie with Macadamia nuts). Ummmmmmmmm. I can almost taste them.
Can't you imagine little Tommy comin by to sell you cookies. He's the only 7 year old on the block with a black pinstripe suit and slicked back hair. "Hey, you wanna buy some of these cookies? Naw? Naw? I think you might want to reconsider that my friend. These are really good cookies. My own mother made these cookies, God rest her soul. Now you tellin me that you're too good to eat these cookies? Fuggidaboutit! You're gonna take 5 boxes. And you gotta throw in a dolla extra for the protection." (this works better if you read it in an accent. Think a younger Al Pacino from The Godfather. Younger like in 8)
Truth is, I've only bought one box this year. But the year's not over yet!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Valentine's Day. Why don't they call it National Day for kissing up? You go out, buy your sweetie flowers and chocolate, all in the hopes of getting lucky! Ya know what? You ought to be buying your sweetie flowers all through the year! I know I do! (still doesn't help much in the getting lucky department, but I can try!)
Speaking of sweeties, mine calls me last night and says that the oldest dependant in going to have a "friend" join us for dinner. Can I please go by the store and get her some flowers and then go to a nice restaurant and get some takeout. So there I go in my innocence. Off to buy flowers for this kid. Guess what? That's right, me and about 4000 of my closest friends! Guys were flocking to the flower bins at HEB like Piranha's to a cow in the water. Some of the comments were priceless! Like "I thought we had an agreement that we weren't doing anything, but her friend told me she was getting me something". Rookie. When a woman tells you not to get anything for her and you don't, you might as well pull out the yellow pages and let your fingers do the walking on over to the divorce lawyer pages.
Or, this one, my personal favorite. "She doesn't really like getting flowers, so I didn't order her any. But then, at the last minute, I figured I'd get her some anyway." My interpretation: Dammit! I put this on my calender like, what 17 times, and then everytime it beeped to remind me, I was busy. I tried to order flowers this morning but the lady at the florist laughed at me. I called 1-800 flowers, but all they told me was I was screwed. So as a last resort, I came here in the hopes of finding some flowers that weren't wilted, and maybe, just maybe if I looked pathetic enough some nice person would take pity on me and put them into a vase and make it look presentable. (or something along those lines)
And then, the restaurant. I think PF Changs is a nice, upscale place with great food. Apparently, so does everyone else in San Antonio. By the time I parked, walked, walked, walked, had CPR done by a pleasant enough security guard with a brand new defibrilator, walked, walked, and then waited, it was about a 25 minute ordeal to get my to-go order. On the way back to my parking spot, at least I had the good fortune to cross paths with a nomadic tribe of squirrel herders on their way to Nacogdoches for the annual "Big Nuts and Bushy Tails" festival. Sounded fun, and I might have gone with them if my family weren't depending on me for sustenance. (that, and one mistake as far as which nuts to pack away for winter can really ruin a guys day)
In the end, all was well. The chick diggeth the flowers and bear. The kids diggeth their new games and lots of candy. The sweetie diggeth the basket of goodies. An the food was still warm! (kinda) Good Times. Good Times!
Speaking of sweeties, mine calls me last night and says that the oldest dependant in going to have a "friend" join us for dinner. Can I please go by the store and get her some flowers and then go to a nice restaurant and get some takeout. So there I go in my innocence. Off to buy flowers for this kid. Guess what? That's right, me and about 4000 of my closest friends! Guys were flocking to the flower bins at HEB like Piranha's to a cow in the water. Some of the comments were priceless! Like "I thought we had an agreement that we weren't doing anything, but her friend told me she was getting me something". Rookie. When a woman tells you not to get anything for her and you don't, you might as well pull out the yellow pages and let your fingers do the walking on over to the divorce lawyer pages.
Or, this one, my personal favorite. "She doesn't really like getting flowers, so I didn't order her any. But then, at the last minute, I figured I'd get her some anyway." My interpretation: Dammit! I put this on my calender like, what 17 times, and then everytime it beeped to remind me, I was busy. I tried to order flowers this morning but the lady at the florist laughed at me. I called 1-800 flowers, but all they told me was I was screwed. So as a last resort, I came here in the hopes of finding some flowers that weren't wilted, and maybe, just maybe if I looked pathetic enough some nice person would take pity on me and put them into a vase and make it look presentable. (or something along those lines)
And then, the restaurant. I think PF Changs is a nice, upscale place with great food. Apparently, so does everyone else in San Antonio. By the time I parked, walked, walked, walked, had CPR done by a pleasant enough security guard with a brand new defibrilator, walked, walked, and then waited, it was about a 25 minute ordeal to get my to-go order. On the way back to my parking spot, at least I had the good fortune to cross paths with a nomadic tribe of squirrel herders on their way to Nacogdoches for the annual "Big Nuts and Bushy Tails" festival. Sounded fun, and I might have gone with them if my family weren't depending on me for sustenance. (that, and one mistake as far as which nuts to pack away for winter can really ruin a guys day)
In the end, all was well. The chick diggeth the flowers and bear. The kids diggeth their new games and lots of candy. The sweetie diggeth the basket of goodies. An the food was still warm! (kinda) Good Times. Good Times!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Lone Star
I just had to write this down. Okay, so last night I had to go by our friendly neighborhood HEB to pick up a couple of things. As I go to get into the "express" lane, I get beat out by a group of people for 1st place in line. Oh well, worse things have happened. Turns out that the group actually turns into 2 groups when it comes time to pay. The first girl puts her package of tortillas, a couple of other things, and a couple of Snickers bars on the conveyor belt. Then she proudly whips her Lone Star card out and swipes it to pay. Funny thing is, it's ACCEPTED! She got to pay for her damn Snickers on MY MONEY!!!
The second group starts putting their stuff on the belt...a piece of cake, a piece of pie, sushi, a couple of onions, and a couple of quarts of beer. I'm thinking to myself "this ought to be interesting". The second girl is kinda trying to hide her card when she swipes it, but something happens and the register doesn't accept it. The cashier tells her to swipe it again, then says to her, "I don't know what the deal is, our machines have been having a problem with Lone Star cards lately". Sure enough, when she swipes it again, I can see it's the good old LS card. This time it accepts it for everything but the beer! EVERYTHING BUT THE BEER!!!
Now, I'm all for helping out people whe need a break. Everybody falls on hard times and needs a hand every now and then. But for my tax dollars to go to pay for cake, pie, candy and sushi is frickin ridiculous! If you get money on a Lone Star card, you ought to be able to buy rice, beans, milk, a big ole hunk of cheese, maybe even some fresh veggies and fruit and eggs. But that's about it. There's a lot of good, hard-working people in this world who can't afford to buy candy bars and other crap like that, but they are working and paying taxes so that other people CAN! That whole system is so screwed up it could be the work of the government!
And while we're at it, why in the hell don't you have to do any kind of work to get a welfare check? Or pee in a cup? I think in order to receive a check, first, you have to pick up trash on the side of the road all week. (or keep a city block clean, or clean public bathrooms, or mow lawns on government buildings, or something of the sort) Then, you have to take a drug test. We have a random drug test policy at my work. I could get tested at any time.(chances are I won't, since I made up the policy, but still) If you want your welfare check, you better pass the pee test, or "no mo dough"! If you want to whine and bitch about this process, GET YOUR ASS TO WORK! "But there's no jobs" you say. BS. Every time I go to a fast food place there are signs in the window saying help wanted. If you want a job, you can find one. If we make it a little hard to get "free" money, maybe you'll get off your asses!
And furthermore, you get 2 chances at kids. If you get on welfare with one kid, then have another, BOOM! Your tubes get tied. If you don't like it, tough crap! Stop getting knocked up. My job as an income earner in this country is not to support your lazy no-good asses. It is to support my own lazy no-good ass!
There, I feel better! :)
The second group starts putting their stuff on the belt...a piece of cake, a piece of pie, sushi, a couple of onions, and a couple of quarts of beer. I'm thinking to myself "this ought to be interesting". The second girl is kinda trying to hide her card when she swipes it, but something happens and the register doesn't accept it. The cashier tells her to swipe it again, then says to her, "I don't know what the deal is, our machines have been having a problem with Lone Star cards lately". Sure enough, when she swipes it again, I can see it's the good old LS card. This time it accepts it for everything but the beer! EVERYTHING BUT THE BEER!!!
Now, I'm all for helping out people whe need a break. Everybody falls on hard times and needs a hand every now and then. But for my tax dollars to go to pay for cake, pie, candy and sushi is frickin ridiculous! If you get money on a Lone Star card, you ought to be able to buy rice, beans, milk, a big ole hunk of cheese, maybe even some fresh veggies and fruit and eggs. But that's about it. There's a lot of good, hard-working people in this world who can't afford to buy candy bars and other crap like that, but they are working and paying taxes so that other people CAN! That whole system is so screwed up it could be the work of the government!
And while we're at it, why in the hell don't you have to do any kind of work to get a welfare check? Or pee in a cup? I think in order to receive a check, first, you have to pick up trash on the side of the road all week. (or keep a city block clean, or clean public bathrooms, or mow lawns on government buildings, or something of the sort) Then, you have to take a drug test. We have a random drug test policy at my work. I could get tested at any time.(chances are I won't, since I made up the policy, but still) If you want your welfare check, you better pass the pee test, or "no mo dough"! If you want to whine and bitch about this process, GET YOUR ASS TO WORK! "But there's no jobs" you say. BS. Every time I go to a fast food place there are signs in the window saying help wanted. If you want a job, you can find one. If we make it a little hard to get "free" money, maybe you'll get off your asses!
And furthermore, you get 2 chances at kids. If you get on welfare with one kid, then have another, BOOM! Your tubes get tied. If you don't like it, tough crap! Stop getting knocked up. My job as an income earner in this country is not to support your lazy no-good asses. It is to support my own lazy no-good ass!
There, I feel better! :)
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