The four horsemen (aka the four republican candidates)

Wow! I feel incredibly honored today. I have been asked by legions of followers to provide some insight and thoughts into the Republican candidates for President, their campaign styles, and the fact that at least one of them wears ugly suits.

First off, I need to go on record as saying that I am not affiliated with any network or cable news programs. I have refused all the offers for millions of dollars in order to remain completely neutral on all subjects. It's a sacrifice, but one I'm willing to make for you, my readers.

The question has been asked "why are all the candidates ranting that the government should get out of the way so businesses and people can be successful, but then attack Mitt Romney for being successful?". Quite simple really. It's the same principle used in solving those dreaded word problems in 4th grade math. Let me explain...say Newt Gingrich left Georgia headed West in a Cadillac Escalade at 70 mph. At the same moment, Mitt Romney left Chigago in a fully appointed luxury motor home with a personal valet and driver and headed south at 63.4 mph. Rick Santorum was touring out west and decided to leave Oregon at the same moment headed east in his '08 Chevy Tahoe at 74 mph. Ron Paul was back home in the great state of Texas, and lo and behold, he needed to go north, so he jumped in his '97 Chrysler Sebring and took off at 58 mph.

They all arrive at the same intersection at the same time, and since none of them want to concede ground, they all collide and end up dying in a huge ball of fire. Who would ultimately end up the winner?

Can you see it? The answer is...the people of the USA! Now with all these ass-clowns out of the way, we can nominate someone who doesn't give a crap about the system, or the prestige, or the title. Someone who isn't referred to as "Mr Speaker", or "Congressman", or "Governer". Someone who just wants to get America back on track!

And another thing, why do they all talk about "we need someone from outside the system", when, it appears to my uneducated ass that they're all pretty much from within the "system"? If you want somebody from outside the system, why not nominate Larry, the pest control guy from Ozona, TX?

Okay, that was all just to put some thoughts in your heads! The question is actually one that I have wondered myself. If free enterprise is good, and we are all encouraged when we're little people (kids, not dwarfs) to work hard to succeed, and pursue high paying jobs, etc., etc., why, when you make it big, do you suddenly become evil?

Now, for me personally, Mitt Romney scares me a little bit. It's not his money (that just makes me envious) it's the fact that I think he's a little too far left on certain issues. I also think he made himself look slippery as hell with the whole tax return business. (I also don't think releasing tax return information has a damn thing in the world to do with running the country)

Newt Gingrich comes with a lot of baggage. As in, I could tour Russia for 7 months with his bags! I don't care how many wives he's had, or how he made his millions. I don't care that he had a consulting job with a government agency (actually, I find it a little funny that he ONLY made a mil and a half off the gov't.). He strikes me as a little abrasive, and that damn fake smile of his just makes me want to pimp-slap him!

Rick Santorum. Wow, I didn't realize Al Gore had a younger brother. If you listen to any of the debates, you're going to hear him say on more than one occasion, "I was the first to do that", or "I was there when that happened". How is it that a guy that looks like he's about 25 was the first do all this stuff? I'm pretty sure if someone mentioned Mount Rushmore in a debate, he's probably the guy that carved Roosevelts nose!

My Texas homie Ron Paul seems to be about half lost most of the time. When the camera pans to him, he always looks like he just remembered that he forgot to take his supplements that morning. Kind of a shocked, WTH look on his face. But in his defense, he was an OB/GYN, so you know he got to look at a ton of boobies in his life, and he might just be thinking of that!

So that leaves us here, wondering what the hell to do. Go Vote. Figure out which of the "none of the aboves" you want to vote for, and go vote. The fact is, this country's in an absolute mess, and if we don't get somebody in there with big enough cajones to tell the "government as usual" crowd to kiss his (or her) ass, we are going to stay in trouble. All of the candidates have valid points, and all of the candidates are full of crap!

And as a note to the candidates...You are all basically on the same side. Get your heads out of your asses and stop attacking each other and start attacking the problem. Tell me how you're going to fix the country when you're elected. (and none of the crap about "I'm going to create a bipartisan coalition to study the issue") Stop taking the safe routes. This country was founded by people taking risks. People succeed in this country by taking risks. Take some risks. Tell people not what you think they want to hear, tell them the truth!

So, my challenge to all four of you is this...go shake hands, go back to your office, write down as concisely as possible your thoughts and ideas about how to fix the mess we're in, and each of you gets allotted 30 minutes to lay it out on national TV. No questions, no attacks, just you by yourself getting your ideas to the people. And if any of you gets sidetracked and mentions one of the other candidates, Otto the dairy farmer is standing behind you with a cattle prod. Now get off your ass and get to work!

And for all the rest of you, my challenge to you is to go vote, not only in the general election, but also the primaries. If you don't vote, you don't have the right to even open your mouth about politics!

I hope this starts to answer your questions. If not, no harm done. It was still fun to write!

New Years Resolutions

Well, New Year's has come and passed, and it's time to start really getting serious about my resolutions! I made several this year, hoping at least one would stick! Some were extremely well thought out. Some not so much. In an effort to be held accountable, I'm going to post them here.

I resolve this year to eat more bacon. As I've said in the past, really the perfect food when you get right down to it. So far, I'm doing pretty well with this one.

I resolve to not do stupid things this year. Not that I ever intend to do stupid things, it just sorta happens. This year, I'm gonna keep an eye on it & see if we can slow up the whole stupidity thing. (it's usually not really big things, it's just more of a lot of little stupid things that add up!)

I resolve to be more outspoken, less sublime. I know a lot of you are thinking that this can't even be possible, but trust me, if I said half the things that go through my head on a daily basis, I'd probably only have a handful of followers on this blog! (oh wait, I DO only have a handful of followers!) (oh well, piss on 'em if they don't like what I've got to say!)

I resolve to be more truthful with people, even if it hurts their feelings! (again, this might be a little redundant if you really stop to think about it) If I have ever offended anybody on this blog, I offer my sincerest I don't cares! It's not that I really TRY to hurt peoples feelings, it just happens sometimes. Basically, you need to grow a thicker skin if you're going to read stuff like this on the internet.

Speaking of the internet, I resolve to post as many rumors as possible this year and see how many of them come back to me in the form of "can you believe those ass-clowns in Washington are thinking about..." I love jacking with people who believe everything they read. Must be the truth, it's on the internet! (which I invented, by the way)

I'm also going to burn more things this year. Not enough things get burnt. Not like wildfires or anything like that, but small, contained fires in the ole backyard. (hopefully, not too many bridges get burnt though, that would be a little unfortunate)(or dumpsters for those of you who heard about "the incident")

I resolve to drink more water every day. I really try to drink a lot of water everyday. Some crap about it being good for you or something. It's pretty hard to do sometimes. I'd always much rather have a nice glass of sweet tea, or maybe a nice cold adult beverage. Maybe if I empty out a beer can and fill it with water, I can trick my mind into thinking I'm actually drinking beer! It's gonna be pretty hard to explain the Lone Star tallboy on my desk, but whatever works!


And finally, I resolve to be a nicer person this year. I know, I know, who could possibly be nicer than me! I keep telling the people at work the same thing, but so far, all I've gotten are rolled eyes! I really am a nice person! I am! It's just that I have to suppress all of that so I don't come across as a pushover with people. I put on this big front of being a no nonsense kind of guy. Of standing up for what I believe and telling people what they need to hear. But in fact, deep down inside, I'm just a lonely little boy, trying my hardest to survive in this vicious world! A small, terified, little puppy loving boy who wants nothing more out of life than to run and play with my friends and get dreamsicle treats from the ice cream man.

Oh yea, I also resolve to blog more. Lucky bastiches!