I thought She Liked Me, But She Was Just Being Thorough!

I'm getting pretty excited about my vacation next month.  Taking the whole fam damily to the house of mouse.  I think the thing I'm most excited about is the airport!  I'm not going to go through the x-ray scanner thing so I can get me a little action!  I'm assuming I get to pick the TSA agent who "searches" me.  I'm gonna find me a big-eyed blonde to do it.  Take along a bottle of wine.  Maybe a little candlelight.  A strolling violin player to help set the mood.  It'll be like a commercial for E-Harmony.

What?  I don't get to pick?  I don't want 300 pound Jose to do the "search".  That wouldn't be as much fun.  If I've got to have some fat-ass guy doing the grope "search" I might as well go to prison.  At least there I'd get a free tattoo out of the deal. 

I'm sure we've all seen the video by now of the 6 year old girl getting groped "searched" by the TSA agent.  I hope like hell her parents sued the TSA agent, TSA, the Congress, President Obama, Michelle Obama, George Bush, George Kennedy, Kennedy Space Center, and anybody else he could think of.  Right after he whipped some TSA agent's ass.  Touch my 9 year old and you're gonna have a lot more to worry about than a lawsuit.

I'm not sure how many people in this country are aware of just how un-just and un-constitutional this "searching" is.  The 4th amendment of the Constitution, laying right in the middle of what has become known as "The Bill of Rights" specifically states:  "The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized."  Did we all catch that?  Some key words here are "probable cause", and the fact that there needs to be a warrant "particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized". 

First off, probable cause.  I'm pretty sure it's safe to assume some little 6 year old girl isn't smuggling a frickin satchel bomb.  She's probably not even sure what a damn terrorist is, yet she's basically being accused of being one.  If they were searching her for hidden skittles, I might buy the probable cause, but that would be the only way.  What could possibly have possessed the TSA to search a 6 year old?  Oh yeah, now I remember.  They don't want to be "profiling", do they?  "Hey Larry, let's search this little blonde haired kid & let Abdullah in the line behind her go through.  What?  I know he's got hand grenades hanging off his belt.  They're just fakes.  He's a nice guy.  Really.  I can tell.  Oh look, a 78 year woman in a wheelchair.  We better search that one too."

I know I'm picking on the TSA agents here, but I'm not sure it's really their fault.  They have been told not to "profile" when picking people to search.  What an utterly ridiculous and impossible task.  What they've been told, basically, is to NOT search the people who obviously fall into the "likely" category.  You know, middle eastern men, 20 - 40 years old.  And before any of you get your panties in a knot, I remember Timothy McViegh.  But the basic fact of the matter is that there are a whole lot more convicted terrorists of Middle-eastern descent than any other race.  It might make sense to search them.  But if we did, all the lawyers would crawl out from under the rocks and sue for racism. 

So again, because people who probably aren't even citizens sue the government, little old ladies and little kids get felt up and groped by TSA agents.  Non-citizens have more rights in this country than the people paying the taxes. 

The long and the short of this entire deal is that what the TSA is doing is unconstitutional.  It goes directly against the basic tenets of freedom that we have been guaranteed by the Constitution of The United States of America!

It's time to wake up America & take our country back!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go write a sonnet for a certain little TSA agent!

GOVERNMENT PLEASE HELP US!

So I hear this morning that our government, in order to better protect us defenseless citizens against harming ourselves is going to require tobacco companies to put pictures of rotten teeth & mouths on packages of smokes.  I'm sorry, did I miss something?  Are we not allowed to have our own private little bad habits anymore?  If you follow this line of thinking, there's going to be a whole lot more warning pictures on packaging and billboards soon.

This, I'm assuming, will soon be followed by BlueBell having to put pictures of fat guys in speedos on packages of ice cream.  Tornado warning symbols on the "Welcome to Alabama" signs.   Pictures of plane crashes on the side of airplanes.  Pictures of dead people on the side of motorcycles.  How about pictures of ugly girls on tequila bottles? 

Do we need to tattoo a picture of dog bites on every pit-bull?  Or warning signs on snakes?  Every time a baby's born, the parents should sign off on the fact that the kid is going to poop & puke on them.  Every time you start your car, there needs to be a big red warning sign that comes on that says you might crash.  Every time you take a shower, you need a sign reminding you that the floor is slippery.  Every time you have sex, do you need a tattoo down "there" to remind you that this is the way babies are made?

We already have warning signs on ladders warning that you might fall off.(duh)  There are labels on 5 gallon buckets advising that it's not a good idea to let your toddler go swimming in one.  Warning labels on cans of tuna for pregnant women (what about the poor tuna? Bet he didn't get a sign).  There are even signs in MEN'S bathrooms warning about the dangers of drinking for pregnant women!(probably do need a sign warning about stupid people working on premises)

What I want is a sign that says "I'm big enough to make my own decisions".  I don't like the fact that the government thinks that they have to protect me from myself.  I'm constantly amazed at the fact that they are much more pre-occupied with my well-being and safety than the fact that there's about eleventy-billion illegal aliens in this country mooching off of us.  Or the fact that there's about 200,000 soldiers, sailors, marines and airmen in harms way at this very moment. 

If I choose to light up a smoke, chances are that I know it's not the healthiest activity I could pursue.  If you think seeing a picture on the side of a package of cigarettes is going to make me NOT light up, you're sadly mistaken.  We've already had a warning label on them forever.  Apparently only people who can't read smoke, because then, after the labels were there, we let them all sue the tobacco companies because they didn't know it was dangerous.  BS.

I have an idea.  Why don't we all, as Americans, tell the government to mind their own business and stop worrying about us.  Prove to the Jack-wad's that we do indeed have the intelligence to take care of ourselves.  What we all need is a sign for "Big Brother".

LIBERALS, CONSERVATIVES, AND THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE TO HATE THEM!

The 2 headlines I read last night were about a) Weiner resigning, and b) a guy with the name of Boehner.  I really couldn't read any farther, and, relax, there won't be any(many) weiner jokes this time.  Although, it's pretty hard to resist temptation.

Why is everybody railing against Anthony Weiner?  You would think that at the very least, the people that voted for him would be sticking by him!  How can they back away now?  They got what they wanted, obviously.  Y'see, politics has nothing at all to do with Republicans, or Democrats, or Whiggs for that matter.  Politics has everything to do with people's social makeup.(not to be confused with social networking, where you don't have to wear makeup)

Anthony Weiner is a liberal.  He has a liberal mindset.  As did President Clinton.  Liberal minded people take a more liberal approach to all things in their life, just as conservative minded people take a more conservative approach to all things in life.  This has nothing to do with political party affiliation.  There are liberal Republicans, and conservative Democrats.  There are conservative Republicans and liberal Democrats.  There are ugly Republicans and ugly Democrats.  And there's Sarah Palin.

Much too often, decisions are made at the highest levels of government in this country just for the sake of "the party".  That's a load of crap if you ask me.  I don't give a damn what political party you're in or how much money you've got, or how many prostitutes you keep on your payroll.  You owe it to the Country & the people that voted for you to stand up for their rights, and to fight as hard as you can for the things that benefit your constituents.  Even if it pisses off everybody in your party.  Actually, you should do it just so it DOES piss off everybody in your party.

What we need in politics are people who don't give a crap about what anybody thinks about them.  Who don't give a crap about the next term.  Who'll tell all the big-money lobbyists to kiss their ass.  Who'll care about what's best for America.  Who'll fight tooth & nail for what's best for America.  Who won't compromise their principles, whether they be liberal or conservative.  Who won't even read the polling reports. 

We need someone who won't mind sitting on the back deck & drinking a cold beer with a few guys named Junior and Malik and Pedro.  Who won't see color, or money, or status as an advantage.  Somebody who know's what it's like to fix up a '69 Camaro just to get to school.  Somebody with callouses on their hands and blisters on their feet.  Somebody that's worked for a living.

See, I don't give a crap whether you're a liberal or a conservative.  My views and opinions won't always align with yours either way.  And that's okay.  It doesn't mean I'm right (I am) and you're wrong (you are).   What it means is that we are all individual.  I don't need a party affiliation to tell me what I'm supposed to feel, and do, and say.

I know people who will almost go to blows over a difference of political opinion.  I like to know what both sides feel or think, but most of the time you can't have an intelligent discussion with people because once they hear one of your viewpoints differs from theirs, all they want to do is beat the crap out of you & prove they're right.  I hope I'm never that left or right leaning. 

If a guy wants to take a crotch shot and send it to half of Manhattan, who should give a crap other than his family?  To preach now that you're shocked & disappointed that a liberal acted in a liberal way is ridiculous, and more than a little hypocritical.  That'd be like Hitler telling little Hanz that it's okay to play with the jewish kid down the block.  In the words of Rodney King, "why can't we all just get along?"(I think that was right before the cops beat the crap out of him)

Oh, one more thing.  If you don't vote for anybody, you don't have the right to bitch about whoever won.  There's a name for people like this.  I'm not referring to "arm-chair quarterback" either.  I'm referring, of course to "ignorant, dumb-ass, knuckle-dragging, monkey-blowing morons".  Your most important civil right, and you can't even find the energy to turn off Barney Miller re-runs and go cast your vote. 

And no, I won't run for President.

She thought she was marrying her hero, but only got a Weiner!

Okay, I've held off as long as I could.  Anybody else find it funny that the latest politician to get himself in a wee spot o' trouble is named Weiner?  I'm giggling as I type this.  I mean, if that's not pre-destiny, I don't know what is!  This story has so many layers it could be known as the Tira Misu of scandals! 

First off, the guy's married to a woman named Huma.  Huma Weiner.  There's nothing that I could possibly write that makes this any better.  Huma Weiner.  At least there were no little weiners involved. 

Huma Weiner used to work for Hillary Clinton.  You remember Hillary's little run-in with this type of scandal, right?  So you've got the wife of a Weiner, working for a lady who (rumor has it) doesn't like weiner, who's married to a weiner.  Who had an "innapropriate" relationship with a porker.

Next up, the current Weiner calls the other weiner asking for advice, weiner to Weiner.  What kind of advice is there to give?  "I did not, have, sexual relations with that woman".  Or how about, "it depends on what the definition of is, is"! WTH?  I'm pretty sure if you open a dictionary and look up irony, you'll see this story as the definition.

So now apparently, Anthony Weiner has his weiner in hot water.  You might say, he's in weinee water soup!  As a side note, what was his nickname in high school?  Tiny?  Skinny?  This is the time that Huma needs to stand by her man and pull her Weiner through this.  Help him get back up and go balls to the wall.(this is really fun)

And honestly, how did this Weiner get elected?  Have you seen a picture of him?  He looks like a, well, a weiner!  Wouldn't it be great if he owned a company that built big buildings.  You know, an erection company. 

And what about "The Arnold"?  Does this take all the heat off of him?  Or, is he pissed that this Weiner stole the lime-light from his?  I bet that's more like it!  If I were Anthony, I'd be watching out for The Terminator!  Pull a Lorena Bobbit on him.  Kill him with his bare hands!  I can see the headlines now.  "Weiner wacked by hand.  Long search ahead!"

And let's not even get started with Elliot Spitzer!

Enough with this silliness.  How many times is it going to take for the politicians to realize that, in fact, they aren't above the law?  I guess they get tired of screwing the rest of us after a while and have to move on to something else.  Knowing that 90% of everybody on the street is just dying to get into the lime-light, wouldn't you think they would stop and consider the situation? "Hey, this might not be a good idea."  But then again, if they did stop & think, I wouldn't get the pleasure of writing a blog full of weiner jokes.

PLEASE help me!!!!!

I need help!  I'm not talking physically.  I really need help this time!(some of you have known this for a while)  Since the Spurs sucked it up in the first round, I don't know who to root for!  Do I root for the team I hate?  Or merely the team I severely detest?  I'm really confused this year.

Most years, I have a healthy dose of apathy when the Spurs aren't playing in the finals.  This year, I can't even work that up.  On one hand, we have a bunch of overpaid, whiney-ass "professionals" playing a kids game, wearing blue.  On the other hand, we have a bunch of overpaid, cry-baby "professionals" playing a kids game, wearing red.

One team has Mark Cuban.  Enough said.  The other team has LeBron "everybody watch me" James.  One team has as it's spiritual leader an admitted wife beater.  The other team was once coached by Pat Riley.  You see my quandary.

On one hand, I feel like I should root for the team from Texas, kinda, almost a home team.  But then again, Mark Cuban has made some pretty disparaging comments about San Antonio in the past, plus I just think he's a spoiled-ass little punk.

On the other hand, Miami was coached for a very long time by Pat Riley, who I'm pretty sure was able to soak up the entire Gulf oil spill with his hair.  There is also the LeBron factor.  I wasn't a real big fan anyway, but when he pulled his entire "I'm gonna hold all the NBA fans hostage just cuz I can" spectacle that overshadowed every other thing that was possibly happening in the World at that moment, it got under my skin!

I know both teams probably have some redeeming qualities.  I'd like to Dirk win a series.  I also kinda like Dwayne Wade and Mike Miller from Miami.  But I'm really torn.

So I need your help.  Please post comments on my blog with who you think I should root for.  I'll root for whoever gets the most votes.  Whether I like them or not.(probably more of the not, but, hey, a deals a deal)

Prayer in High School

I've been hearing the last few days about the high school valedictorian that wants to say a prayer during her speech, but can't because some agnostic family filed a lawsuit.  The more I hear about it, the more it pisses me off.  The agnostic family says it's invading on their civil rights.  What about the rights of the girl who wants to pray?  What about the fact that it says "in God we trust" on all of our currency?  What about the fact that it's okay for 1 person to file a lawsuit claiming that this girl is violating her rights, but the other 100 kids don't get a say in this?

It's like I've said for years, it's the very vocal minority that always gets their way.  The squeeky wheel syndrome.  The people that always file these lawsuits are the same ones that always preach about separation of church and state.  Saying that our fore-fathers(not four fathers like some of you cedar whackers have) never intended religion or faith to play a part in the governance or conscience of this country.  Apparently they slept through the important word.  You know, of.  As in, "Freedom OF Religion", vs. Freedom FROM Religion. 

See, this has always been my problem with this.  If you don't want to pray, don't.  If you don't even want to listen to it, put in your earphones.  The fact is, this country was founded because a few brave souls wanted to be able to worship and pray the way they wanted.  To the God that they wanted.  They fled religious persecution in Europe, where it was felt that uniformity of religion must exist in any society, in order for that society to flourish.  New Jersey, Pennsylvania and Maryland, as a matter of fact, were founded with the sole intention of being religious sanctuaries.

The point of this little history lesson is that I have an issue every time one of these stupid morons files a suit saying their liberties are being infringed on.  Maybe I should file suit because these butt-heads are breathing air that was only intended for me.  Or maybe because they aren't listening to the right kind of music.  Or maybe they aren't wearing the right clothing.  I think it's a real slippery slope that we are wandering down when these types of lawsuits are filed, and then up-held. 

I mean, seriously, is it really that big a deal to these ass-clowns, or are they just trying to get their 15 minutes of fame?  It's along the same lines of when you hear about some long-haired kid that got kicked out of school because he refused to cut his hair.  The parents always sue the school instead of kicking that kid's ass all the way to the barber.  Saying it's his right to have long hair.  Newsflash...if he gets a copy of the code of conduct and it says boys can't have long hair, then grows it out anyway, he deserves to have his ass thrown out.(apparently the problem is that he can't read, so maybe they should sue the school for that instead!)  But instead of a little discipline, they sue.  And win. And as a side-note, you ever notice it's the little weasely guy with bad acne and a Batman sticker on his clarinet case that's the one kicked out?  Coincidence?

They say that if this kid prays during the graduation, she could go to jail for it.  I personally will take donations to bail her out of jail.  Then I'll take a statue of Baby Jesus and stick it in the law-suit filers front yard.  So it's your right not to have to listen to a prayer.  It's my right to listen to a prayer.  Why does your right carry more weight than mine? 

How about we just leave everybody else the hell alone and worry about our own sorry asses for once.