Well Ladies and Gentlemen (I'm using that term loosely), it seems that the wait is finally over! It's time to cast our ballots. I'm sure this fact has each and every one of you on the edge of your seats. I know it has me on the edge of my (toilet) seat! I've been trying to make sense of this mess for months, and the only conclusion I can come to is ummmmmmmm. This choice is like poking yourself in the shin with an ice pick, or stabbing yourself in the hand with a fork. Steve Miller had it right...Clowns to left of me and Jokers to the right!
So what's a poor boy to do? If I vote for the old blonde lady, I'm pretty sure I get 4 more years of the same crap, with crap being the key word. I for one am pretty tired of the Clinton family in general. I think she's devious. I think she's mean. I think she thinks of what is best for her before she thinks of what's best for the Country. I think she doesn't have a clue about foreign policy or what it means to lay your life on the line for the Country you love. I think she doesn't have a clue about how the economy of this Country works. I don't think she has a clue how to stimulate the economy and help the masses. I don't think she cares about the masses!
If I vote for the old orange guy, I'm not sure what in the hell I'll get for the next 4 years. I'm not sure I can trust him with the nuclear codes. I think he's devious. I think he acts like a 5th grade bully who's a lot more sure of his abilities than he should be. I think he's mean. I think this entire presidential bid is for his own overblown ego. I don't think he has a clue of what it really takes to run the government. I don't think he has a clue about how to deal with the opposing party. I don't think he has a clue.
So what's a poor boy to do? I have decided, after much soul searching (that really didn't take that long), to declare myself as a candidate for President of the United States of America!
I know what you're thinking. What the crap does this numb-nut know about being president? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I know I have to be 35 years old. Check. (and then some) I know I have to be a natural born citizen. Check. (Dallas, TX) (But please don't call me a Dallas-ite. I don't have any friends named Buffy or Muffy, and I just barely knew a Chip once) Other than that, I'm good to go.
What, you may be asking, is my platform? Other than my shoes, let me lay out my ideas for you.
*We will definitely build a wall. We will build a wall around Washington DC. And we'll make them (politicians) pay for it. The idea of the wall is keep them all out where they can't do any (more) damage.
*Mandatory spaying and neutering of all politicians. Damn! Those things breed like rabbits!
*We're re-working the entire Welfare programs. If your happy ass doesn't have a job within 3 months, boom. Instant job. You will now be employed by the US Government pulling weeds in the median's of all the Interstate Highways across the Country. If you refuse, you will receive a one-way ticket to Iran, complete with all the proper paperwork to make you a citizen of that great (sandy) Country!
*Politicians aren't going to make the decisions for the military anymore. If the Generals feel like they need to bomb hell out of somewhere, bomb away! You're the guys we've put our trust in, why would I want to interfere?
*All of the crap about companies being "too big to fail" is going out the window. BS. If a company is being run by incompetent assholes, and they fail, they fail. What about all the jobs you ask? When a big corporation fails and goes away, it leaves a void that the smaller companies will rush in to fill, thereby needing to hire qualified people. Are you with me? See how it works?
*People aren't going to spend the rest of their lives on death row. After conviction, you get one year to appeal. If you lose your appeal at the one year mark, as you come out of the courthouse,
Vinny is going to step out from behind a column and put a bullet in your head. And if you're convicted of rape or child abuse, whatever inmate or group of inmates ends your nasty little life, will get an automatic pardon. I understand we might be putting not the best of people back on the street, but what the hell, they killed a pedophile, right?
Furthermore, I've been told on more that one occasion that I'm a sarcastic asshole. I think that pretty much is exactly what the Country needs right now.
So with your help, I can be the next Asshole of the United States of America!
Vote John and vote often!
(I'm John Brown, and I approve this message!)
